The time came when all oral meds, vac pumps and penile injectables failed to give me a sustained, useable erection. Even though i am a sub bottom and a Dom told me once that a… More
When Life tries to fuck you, bend over and hand him the lube. What the hell does that mean?
To me it simply means bad things happen, and they happen to us all. The only thing we can do about it is to know it’s going to happen and to try to be as prepared as possible for it. The more you fight against inevitability, the more difficult and painful it will be.
After months of research, three surgical consultations, and personal 1:1 interactions with other patients I decided on the surgeon to do my penile implant. I was scheduled for the procedure to be done on Wednesday, November 7th. But, I’d been having vague symptoms for seven months like occasional night sweats, sho
rtness of breath with exertion, wheezing and infrequently waking in a panic & feeling like I was suffocating. The cardiologist put me through the hoops doing test after test. All came back negative. So when he ordered a CT Angiogram of the heart i thought it too would be ok.
I waited for my preoperative clearance so the surgery could go ahead as scheduled. In the meantime I made an appointment with a pulmonologist thinking my problems might be in the lungs and not my heart.
My appointment with him was Monday. He read the CTA results and said I had a 70% blockage in the LAD coronary artery…a main artery of the heart. Furthermore, he said my surgery would likely be canceled.
I saw Cardiology Tuesday and he confirmed the report read to me by the pulmonologist. My penile implant would have to wait. I needed a cardiac catheterization and he made it seem like an emergency. So, it was scheduled for Wednesday morning. I would probably need a stent and that would delay my surgery for at least six months.
So, when I woke up from anesthesia after the heart cath the doctor said I didn’t need a stent, but have high pressure in the left ventricle. I was groggy and don’t remember anything else he said. But I wondered what does that do to my ability to have surgery?
This coming Monday I’ll get the full report and recommendations as well as find out when my surgery can be scheduled. I’m hoping the high heart pressure is easily treated. I hope my surgery can be done by mid December.
I had feelings of anger, sadness and fear at first. I was angry my surgery was canceled. I was sad that my return to the ability to have erections was delayed AND that I had yet another diagnosis. And I was afraid of the heart cath procedure itself assuming I would experience multiple complications. But i pressed forward knowing what needed to be done and getting it done as soon as possible.
So you could say I saw that life was about to fuck me over again, but instead of resisting, fighting or denying the inevitability of it, I accepted the reality of the situation – I bent over, handed Life the lube and grabbed my ankles. It helped glide me toward being proactive with my health facing whatever new diagnosis I might get with a new resolve to fight it with all my strength.
What will Monday bring in terms of new diagnoses? New medications? New restrictions or limitations?
Whatever happens I’ll be ready with an extra large bottle of lube. I can take it – both deep & hard if that’s what’s in the cards for me.
Thanks for reading,
As my readers probably noticed i have not posted in over two months. For that I heartily apologize.
i got lost in my single life and my over zealous pursuit of dick. i am continually checking at least five different hookup sites every day. So if i am not having sex i am seeking that illusive connection.
There is a lot of overlap or redundancy in the members of the various sites, which i understand since i am on them all too. But, it does get old seeing all the same old faces and being rejected by them on multiple sites. However, there is some “fresh meat” to be found on them all. But it seems most guys have very narrow types or looks that they go for.
i am extremely fluid in the types of men i find attractive. i do not arbitrarily discard, or left swipe a guy just because he does not fit my ideal man. To me: age doesn’t matter (just be legal age); height doesn’t matter; weight doesn’t matter (except extreme over or under weight); hair color & eye color don’t matter; race, ethnicity and color don’t matter; amount of facial and body hair doesn’t matter; dick size doesn’t matter (but if it’s really large, it’s not going up my ass); being cut or uncut doesn’t matter. The only thing that does matter is that we are attracted to each other and the other person(s) doesn’t object to playing with a total bottom.
If i limited myself to hooking up with only those men who fit my exact type, i would never have sex. Let me paint a picture of my ideal partner: 6’1″ 195 lbs, Latino, dark hair, beard & mustache, defined arms and chest, dad bod, hairy everywhere, uncut and 7″-8″, close to my age, a Dominant Top into BDSM and Kink. Not too much to ask is it?
Since i look for sex a lot and find something sexy or attractive in most…well lots of guys online i click like, smile, growl, woof, cruise, etc. on many profiles. What i get back mostly is dead silence. No response! i realize i am not everyone’s type but statistically i should get more responses than i do. With the lack of returned messages i am left feeling i must be no one’s type. However, i try to turn it around to affirm myself by saying to myself, “it’s their loss because i am good in bed!”.
Oh well. Life goes on…
i have been out of my relationship for going on five months now. Lately i have started having flashbacks and memories of the good times together like our vacations, worldwide travels, our wedding, and holidays. Nostalgia can be a dangerous thing after the breakup of a relationship. It starting sucking me back in to thinking about going back, trying again. But, calmer minds prevailed. i left for good and valid reasons. In five months neither of us has changed and we probably never will. So, i’m still in my lovely little apartment on the edge of the gay mecca and enjoying life.
Last week i went to see Christopher Robin with the group FTLMovieBears. i ran into a handsome man around my age that i had met at a pool party on July 4th. We talked briefly and then he leaned in and whispered “you’re cute”. The conversation then took on a different tone. When we were leaving he kissed me…on the lips and sent me an email with the group’s contact person’s email so i could sign up for movie notices. When i got home i emailed this handsome man a thank you message and included an invitation to have lunch with me. He said yes, and ever since that night we’ve texted every day throughout the day sharing pictures and sexually explicit messages. We have a lunch date in a couple days. And then, back to his place. Just one hitch…we are both bottoms. So that’ll be interesting.
And life goes on….
Thanks for reading, boy stray
The end of April was quite a fun, interesting and educational time. i attended the 11th annual Beyond Leather conference held here in Fort Lauderdale. There were over 500 attendees this year; reportedly the most in attendance in the 11 years.
There were kinksters of every flavor, shape, size, color & race. Although it is Pansexual most of the attendees are heterosexual. Doms and subs. Masters and slaves. And, Polyamorous relationships were not uncommon.
The four day conference was filled with educational workshops presented by experts from across the country, and even from England. I attended workshops on the Male G Spot, Electro Play, Living in Leather, Face Slapping, the fine Art of Giving a Blow Job (i could have taught this class), Activities you can do with Just Your Hands, and the Many Uses of a Bandana. There were many more i wish i could have attended.
There was a raffle, a silent auction, the TPE contest, Keynote speeches, and of course there was dungeon play each night. So basically, something for everyone.
Also, a marketplace was set up so we could purchase new toys, clothing, candles for hot wax play, puppy masks, all manner of Leather, impact play implements, and one table with every kind and size of knife you’d ever want to play with….if you’re into that.
All that activity. All that education. All the people Y/you could meet. All that merchandise to buy. And all that play at night. But the best part was that the registration cost was very reasonable. The most expensive part is the hotel stay for out-of-towners. But, even as a local i may stay there next year rather than run back and forth from home to the venue. i feel like i missed a lot by not staying there with the hundreds of other kinksters attending the conference.
So why don’t Y/you Google “Beyond Leather” and check the site periodically for updates about Beyond Leather 2019.
Hope to see Y/you there next year! Y/you won’t regret it!
Thanks for reading,
The day after i published my last blog post i left my husband of many years. He went out socializing with friends that evening so i seized the opportunity and hurriedly ran around the house gathering things i thought i would need, or that i wanted in my new apartment.
The sweat was dripping from me by the time i finished loading what i could get into my tiny, two seat car. i said goodbye to my doggies, and misty eyed i surveyed the house one last time drinking in the memories. Then, i drove away.
i drove not away from unhappiness, but toward a life of joy, freedom, friendships, and immense happiness.
my new life had begun.
i get to decide where furniture is placed. i choose the decor i want. i decide where i want pictures hung, and even the color of my sheets and towels.
Something i hadn’t really explored was the actual cost of starting a new home from scratch. I had to buy sheets and pillows and towels, and dishes and silverware. I had to buy food to stock the refrigerator and pantry. And if i wanted light i had to buy lamps…and light bulbs.
i left most of my clothes at the house simply because it was not on my list of things to grab, so i found myself with only 4 tee shirts, two pair of jeans, and two pair of shorts. BUT, i fucking remembered ALL my leather and toys.
Since i’ve been in my new place i have made up markedly for years of no sex. As of this writing i’ve had sex with or played with more men than you can count on both hands. Some people may think or say i am a slut or a sex addict. But, i won’t put a value judgment on Y/your sex life if Y/you don’t judge mine.
My libido is through the roof. And i hope it stays that way.
Thanks for reading,
This is a delightful little, easy to read book by Ken Blanchard & Spencer Johnson about CHANGE.
The premise is change happens. Expect it. Prepare for it. Don’t be shocked, dismayed or try to fight inevitable CHANGE.
This boy’s life in the last two years has experienced immense change. Cancer…stepping slowing into the Leather BDSM community…severe colitis that very nearly killed me…ups and downs of potential hookups and letdowns…coming out as a proud Leather bottom boy and taking the moniker boy stray…having my throat cut open for a spinal fusion…having my first real BDSM full on experience…… and ultimately, my relationship problems at home.
my husband and i have been together many years, probably more out of habit, companionship, and codependency than anything else. But, what glaringly became obvious after my bout of cancer was that i was not happy. i want more out of life. i don’t mean trips, vacations, cruises, money, houses, etc.
What i am talking about is freedom. i feel like a caged animal. I can’t go places, associate with my Leather friends, go out for a drink, hookup or have sex or get a massage or go to the gym, or god forbid, go to Publix without getting the third degree interrogation.
My friends, the whole Leather BDSM community, and i are denigrated because of how W/we look, O/our affinity for Leather, and O/our kinky sexual interests & activities. He would laughingly ask when i would come home if i had gotten fisted or had been beaten and had bruises…like he thought that was the most disgusting things a person could do.
Since December i’ve been plotting my escape, my leave from this life and relationship. Two weeks ago i paid a deposit to hold an apartment. Last week i bought a new bedroom suite and sofa for the living room. Yesterday i signed a 36 page lease on the apartment. i pick up the keys today, do a walk through approval, and it is mine.
my Cheese has been Moved!
i am anxious, but excited.
i am sad i am leaving my 3 dogs.
i am angry it has taken me this long to do something.
i am happy to begin a new life of freedom.
i am scared that i could fail and run back to a familiar, but unhappy, emotionally abusive situation.
Send me Y/your positive energy and support, please.
And with that, my new life begins….
Thanks for reading,
my Valentine’s gift to myself this year was to be an encounter, a play session, with a Dom from the Northeast USA. He was coming to my area for a marathon race of some sort. W/we met on recon.com.
W/we wrote and texted for about 5 to 6 weeks planning and anticipating O/our brief time together. W/we exchanged additional photos. And i began to feel trustful…well, as trustful as one can be of an unknown Internet persona.
Anyway, He had assured me He was staying close to the city i live in. However, the Monday before Valentine’s Day He said He was staying in an Air B&B house in a city that was a 45 minute drive away from my home. To say i was disappointed is an understatement. Actually i was pissed.
Because of my current relationship status, and the state of my relationship i do not have hours on end to dedicate to BDSM play. It would be one and a half hours just in travel time. And, He wanted a long, possibly overnight encounter, which i could not possibly do.
i suppose my anger and frustration turned inward because i began to feel ill….like i was coming down with a cold. Coughing. Chills. Body aches. Headache. But, i was still planning to go. We’d arranged for the day after Valentine’s Day for my submission to impact play.
On Valentine’s Day i decided not to go. Mostly, it was the drive. And a bit of trepidation about not really being able to adequately vet an out-of-towner. And a tad of generalized body aches and stiffness making me feel and walk like i was 100 years old.
So, unfortunately i missed Sir using His belt and His computer cord (improvisation since He is travelling) to inflict a mutually satisfying, yet heavy play session.
Am i a scaredy cat? Am i too cautious? Have i watched too many episodes of Criminal Minds? Or should i continue to be careful and try to fully vet a new Dom play partner? Should distance NOT be a factor in considering a play session?
What do Y/you think?
It seems i mostly write about an unsuccessful, unfulfilling BDSM Leather life, but really i think it is an accurate reflection of what most people in the lifestyle go through. i don’t mean to be maudlin or discouraging, but rather to impress upon newbie subs that daily encounters with a vast array of Daddies & Doms is not likely to be the norm.
There is no reason to give up. Do as i do. Get out there. Go to events, dinners, play parties, classes, munches, join organizations, go to Leather bars and other venues. The more you get out there and meet people, and they get to know you, the more likely you are to find play partners, and develop a fulfilling Leather BDSM life.
Thanks for reading,
(This Blog Post is being reposted from The Gay Boy Bible on Tumblr)
“i reblogged a wonderful piece a few days ago, “ten things a sub expects a dom to know without being told.” A really good piece, strong and thought provoking.But as is so often the case here on Tumblr, the emphasis is the same as it is in a porn flick: “It’s all about the girl.” So I decided that this called for a counterpoint to balance the dialectical scales and possibly even spur some discussion. Those who have read the piece I reblogged will recognize some of these 10 items as being more or less identical to the items in that piece. This is by design, and is intended to emphasize that so much of the glue that holds a D/s relationship together is reciprocal.
And so without further ado …
“ten things a dom expects a sub to know without being told”
1. He needs to be the priority. Your Dominant cannot be put in the corner and trotted out when you need him. Make him your priority even during those
times when you think you DON’T need him. Because the truth of it is, even during those times, you secretly do need him, you just aren’t consciously
aware of it.
2. He has emotions and needs them acknowledged. The internet (and Tumblr is especially egregious in this regard) has created the toxic stereotype of
the Dominant as this calm, cold, unemotional Olympian figure who is always as in charge of himself as he is of his submissive. Many a submissive has
run screaming into the night at the sight of her Dominant having a moment of weakness, or self-doubt, or — The Horror! — shedding a tear. Accept that
your Dominant is human, and respect the effort he exerts to be strong and confident for you 99% of the time.
3. Know him better than others. If your Dominant is having emotional difficulties, or even something as “insignificant” as a bad day at the office, you damn well better know it before his friends do.
4. Let him control things (including you). That is his responsibility. Yours is to obey.
5. Abide by the rules. Your Dominant constructs various rules, tasks, rituals, etc, for a purpose. That purpose may not always be obvious to you. It doesn’t have to be. Trust that he knows what he’s doing, and accept the fact that submitting to his rules on a daily basis is just plain hard work. If you’re not willing to put in the work, then you should do some soul-searching and evaluate how deep (or even genuine) your submission really is.
6. Remember that he is yours. This is always reciprocal. Just as he expects your total devotion and commitment and fidelity, you have the right to expect those things from him. To be clear, this is not the same as taking your Dominant for granted. Just as he has to earn those things from you every day, so you also have to earn them from him every day.
7. Appreciate the work he puts into you, and let him KNOW that you appreciate it. Being a dominant (especially in a day-to-day rather than sporadic relationship) is damned hard work. Let him know how much it means to you that he considers you worthy of all that work and direction and energy.
8. Be mindful of your respective positions in the D/s relationship. He is your Dominant. Can you be affectionately playful and impish? Yes; any Dominant who doesn’t relish such from his submissive on occasion has some significant self-confidence issues. Sarcastic or willfully bratty? Not a good idea. Not a good idea AT ALL.
9. Give the same respect you get. If he shows you that, despite the way your relationship might look to the vanillas, he holds you in the highest respect, then return that respect. If you come to the conclusion that he does NOT hold you in the highest respect, you might want to evaluate your relationship and possibly move on.
10. Above all else: he expects your submission to be whole and complete and without reservation, save for those things that the two of you negotiate as equals BEFORE you offer him your submission. Once you submit, he has full right and claim to ALL of you. You don’t get to cherry pick your submission. You don’t get to submit in just those areas where it’s convenient. You don’t get to submit just when you’re in the mood. There are no half-measures with your submission. If you can’t honestly say to yourself that you are all-in, then accept the fact that this means you’re not in AT ALL, and decide what to do about it.”
Lately, i’ve become quite a horn dog. I seem to be looking for and getting lots of hookups. But, i am not going to gloat, because i’ve had more than my fair share of long, dry spells.
The recent encounter i thought i would tell you about may be off-putting, uncomfortable, or anger inducing to some people because of the subject matter, i.e. kink involved. But, let me be the first to say i abhor child sexual abuse. And i say that as a survivor of repeated sexual abuse by an older male cousin when i was between the ages of 9 and 12.
Recently, i met a man online who fancied himself a bit of a mental health therapist who specialized in child sexual abuse/incest. i admitted to him that i had been abused as a child. So, he wanted me to “process” what had happened to me in a session with him. i have to admit i was intrigued, and a bit titillated by the scenario since we connected on a gay hookup site.
So we agreed that within the hour i would come to his place, make myself as comfortable as i wanted to be (naked), and to lie on the bed in the direction indicated by the pillows.
I drove over, walked in and went straight to the bedroom as directed. i completely undressed, because…well, i hoped i was going to get fucked.
i laid down with my head at the foot of the bed. A few minutes later i heard steps approach the bed, then pass by to a nearby chair. The “therapist” told me to begin my story of sexual abuse from the beginning.
i told him each of the occurrences i could recall. i also admitted that although it was non-consensual, and i clearly was being abused by an older boy, it did feel good and that i had gotten an erection each time from the abusive encounter. Also, i told the therapist that the last abusive encounter occurred at an age when i was capable of cumming, so i stopped the cousin from masturbating my penis before i ejaculated by pretending to be asleep, and turning over in the bed away from my abuser.
Then, i talked about childhood mutual sexual play with friends and boys in my neighborhood. Then he stood up and told me not to be concerned as he placed a sheet over by face. He took his clothes off and got in the bed beside me.
i reach over and grasped surprisingly, a large, uncut cock. He went down on me for a bit, and then tried really hard to get that big, fat, uncut dick up my tight asshole. It hurt, but he went slow. He was gentle. He was determined and so was i — to a point. About 3/4 of his at least 8 inches were in, but the pain and fear of tearing caused me to stop him.
Without a word he got up, dressed and left the room. i got up, dressed, left the house and drove home.
Remember: my kink may not be your kink, and that’s ok.
While this encounter was bizarre, it was also cathartic. i have to say that i had never openly admitted to another person that i was aroused while i was being abused. That it felt good. And in my confusion over the conflicting feelings of the abuse (shame, fear, anger) and the sexual arousal, i had erotic dreams about this cousin for years afterward. i even considered contacting him to entice him into a consensual sexual encounter numerous times over the years.
Child sexual abuse fucks up a kid’s brain. It messes up their ability to feel things normally. It destroys self esteem. It induces lifelong shame. It can cause promiscuity and sex addiction.
i should know. Been there. Done that!
This post is in no way meant to glorify, justify, encourage, or normalize child sexual abuse.
It happened! Finally. My FIRST real BDSM hookup/play session with a Dom. But, this wasn’t one, but rather two Doms. The Sir who Dominated my sub ass was the submissive to the other Sir, the primary Dominant. However, my Dom took charge and worked me over really well.
i arranged my safety call with a friend that i would contact as soon as the session ended. He knew if he hadn’t heard from me by a certain time to consider the worst, and to notify the police. He had their phone numbers, addresses, etc. just in case.
When i was clean – inside and out, i left home and drove nervously to Their home. i was instructed via text to park out front, and to text when i’d arrived, and to wait in the car until Sir came out to get me. Suddenly, it began to pour down raining.
Sir motioned for me to come in and as i walked into the extremely large home, SIR said, “don’t be nervous”. That was immensely helpful in relaxing me and alleviating my anxiety…and and fears i might have been harboring.
After 90 minutes of intense impact play – flogging, paddling, spanking and having a riding crop used on my ass, and chest and back impact play with paddles, it progressed to CBT & TT and lots of oral sex and face fucking. Apparently then, Sir placed ten clothes pins on my cock & proceeded to tap, flick, and hit them inducing increasing levels of pain/pleasure. At the same time i experienced intense TT which caused a constant refocusing of attention to alternating areas of intense pain.
The Sirs were very attentive and cognizant of my level of pain asking for a numerical value to gage the intensity. They offered rest breaks and water regularly during the play.
Only once did i kind of loudly say “ouch” as i turned my ass away from the hard strikes of the wooden paddle. SIR said, “is that a yellow?” to which i said sheepishly, “yes.” The intensity of that paddling immediately decreased.
At the end of the session, i was asked how long i’ve been into BDSM. They both were surprised to hear this was my first real BDSM encounter in a non classroom setting. They seemed impressed at the level and intensity of pain i was able to accept.
Hopefully i’ll always remember my initiation into real BDSM play happened on 1-8-18 (one eight one eight)
Thanks for reading,
For some reason lately i seem a bit more popular in the hookup apps. i talk to more men even if it leads nowhere, because they’ve smiled, cruised, winked, or growled at me from the respective sites. And, hot men! Not men i wouldn’t want to be s
een in public with!
On one site for kink and BDSM i was contacted by a Sir a few weeks ago. He and His partner, also a Sir, were/are coming to town for vacation soon. After talking through the site and exchanging pics and lots of information we decided to meet and set a date….and that play date is this coming Monday.
By phone text we’ve discussed safety, safe words, limits, pushing passed limits, and respecting each other’s time as they are here for a brief stay.
We talked about meeting prior to playing but they didn’t feel they had time…or it wasn’t necessary…or something. So, tonight as our play date approaches i contacted Sir again to inquire about meeting beforehand.
He again reiterated that they respect limits, would not do anything beyond my desires, but said they did not have time to meet first before a play session. While i know everyone says you should meet first in a neutral place, i have decided to have a safe call person instead. This person i designate will expect a call – not a text, from me at a time that i choose based on when i think the session will end. He will have my Sir’s address and phone number. Should i NOT call him at that time he will try to call me. If i can not be reached after a couple attempts, he is to notify the police.
I’ve thought a lot about the meet first “rule” in the kink community. And while i think it may be optimal, what really can you discern from a cursory meeting with a potential play patner? People put their best foot forward when meeting someone new in an effort to impress them, make them feel comfortable or to seduce them. But people lie and do misrepresent the truth. Would i really be any safer if i had coffee at Starbucks with them the day before our play session?? i don’t really think so.
The only true way to be safe is to vet a potential play partner through someone in our Leather Kink BDSM community, through a Leather establishment, bar, or leaders of various organizations or clubs. In this particular scenario that was not feasible.
This, if it really happens this time, will be my 1st official, non-Pro Dom paid or classroom associated BDSM full-on encounter. Man, am i fucking psyched about it.
And to add even more excitement to the pile, another Sir from the same site is coming to town in February and wants to play. His picture shows a hot, lean bearded man who says he is a sadist with a foot fetish. So, we shall see what happens with Him.
As an aside, i did have sex last night. Well, i guess i’ll officially say it was sex. He was a Top. Didn’t look much like his profile pic, but not so different as to require me to hit the reject button. Anyway, He was a “lay there, and do me” kinda lazy sex partner. All he did was lay on His back, get blown, and tried in vain to work a dry finger up my butt. We did kiss…he ultimately jerked off and i went home.
Another crappy ass lazy gay man who doesn’t know how to have mutually pleasing and satisfying sex!!
What’s this gay world coming to?
Thanks for reading,