Tonight I finally decided to have sex again. I wasn’t really in the mood…low energy, low interest, but a sub bottom boy on one of the hookup sites contacted me and I thought, what the… More
Last month (December 2019) I submitted an application to join a small, gay men’s Leather club in my city. I assumed it was a simple formality to gather demographic information, and to learn about my experience, interest and commitment to the BDSM/KINK lifestyle and community. Also it asked for talents and skills that would potentially be a benefit to the club and its members.
I’d submitted the application twice before to this club. The first time I was added to the email list and received notices of some meetings. However, with some of the email meeting announcements I got a personal note as well saying that I couldn’t attend business meetings and I co
uldn’t attend special meetings. So I never knew from month to month if I should plan on going or not. So I was really confused. I don’t remember now exactly, but it seems at some point I just stopped receiving the meeting notices. I did attend some meetings, the ones that were educational and a couple social ones. But, there was no real structure or regularity for when I could and couldn’t attend.
Also, around that time I was unable to attend because of the demise of my long term relationship. After 38 years I packed up what I could get in my car and left. So the club was not exactly a priority at that time. Plus I was already a member of the boys club so I had a connection to the gay men’s leather scene here.
In addition to my personal relationship problems, I heard a rumor that was later confirmed, that there was conflict within the leather club and among quite a few of its members.
Then in early 2019 I contacted the secretary of the club to resubmit my application. Again I received notices of some meetings or socials. At the same time I was really hot and heavy, and deeply in love, with a man who wanted me to be his Sir. I thought it would be beneficial as a new Dominant/Top/Sir to be a part of the club to better develop as a Dom. My boy and I attended one of that club’s socials, a pool party, together and I thought we had a good time.
Later, on the way home the boy said he didn’t care for some of the members of the club and didn’t want to join or be involved with them. But he didn’t want his opinion to sway my interest in completing my application process. After some consideration, and in a cloud of love, i ended up aligning with him and rescinded my application.
Well, if you’ve read any of my blogs from last year you know how that relationship disastrously imploded on May 1st. Also, I ended up having 3 surgeries in a ten month period of time. So, i wouldn’t have had the time, ability, emtional state or stamina to have maintained my commitment to the application and “trial” period anyway. So it was a good decision at the time not to join.
But, by December 2019 I was ready to get back in the saddle – or sling, as it were – and recommit to my interest in and dedication to the gay men’s Leather community. So, I attended a large Leather community Holiday dinner with over fifty leatherfolk – nearly all men. i sat next to a member of the club and his boyfriend. And we had a nice time together.
Then, a little over a week later I met with that same friend who is one of the club’s officers for coffee. We discussed the club and my history with the Leather community and in the BDSM/Kink lifestyle. I was given an application and told how the process would proceed.
That night I completed the application and confidently submitted it online via text to my friend with whom I’d had coffee.
The holidays came and went. No word from anyone about upcoming meetings or anything pertaining to my membership application. So on the 4th of January I messaged my friend, the one who gave me the application. No response from him until the next day.
Then Sunday morning I received what I felt was a cold response:
Thank you for your interest in xxxxxxx (name of the club club).
Unfortunately your application for membership was voted on and denied.
xxxx (friend’s name)
No explanation from him about why I was rejected.
Dumbfounded doesn’t adequately express my feelings. I had to reread the message a couple times. Why would I be denied membership? I know quite a few of the men in the really small club. Which members would vote against my admission to the club and why?
A year or so ago the club fractured losing about half of its membership. So silly me assumed my application would happily be accepted and my interest and presence would be welcomed. Color me surprised at how delusional I was about the club and its members!!
This is a description of the club from their Facebook page:
So where in their rejection of me do they adhere to the statement that they exist to:
members of the gay men’s Leather community??
Ok. You may think, well it was your 3rd application submission. How committed to membership was I? I hadn’t followed through with the first two. I’ll grant you that. But if there was a question about my sincerity, why didn’t someone just simply call or text to discuss my previous applications and to discern my level of interest and commitment to follow through with this application?
I entered 2020 with new excitement, new hopes and a rekindled desire to be active and involved after the very difficult physically and emotionally draining year of 2019. I wrote down a list of organizations, clubs, meetings and volunteer activities that I wanted to pursue this year in order to make friends, find a purpose in life, grow in my knowledge and skills as a Dom…and perhaps find a real boy to be my boyfriend in 2020.
What a shitty fucking thing to do!!
No wonder they lost half of their membership. You would think they would be out soliciting membership in the name of support, mentorship and inclusivity they espouse in the already small Leather community.
After my initial feelings of shock, anger and sadness, I realized if that is their prevailing attitude and approach to someone who has been in the community for about four years who wants to join, then I don’t want to be member.
When I was a new nurse I was told “nurses eat their young!” That meant older, experienced nurses made it very uncomfortable and unwelcoming to new nurses fresh out of nursing school.
I’m not quite sure why that attitude and approach to new nurses developed. One would think nurses, who are notoriously over worked, under paid, and chronically short staffed would welcome and nurture new nurses – reinforcements, as it were. But, no. My first years working in a hospital were difficult, and made even more so by the older seasoned nurses who made life miserable for me.
I made a personal vow not to continue that legacy. I always welcomed, supported, encouraged, educated, nurtured and appreciated every new nurse who joined our ranks.
It’s really too bad, and so sad, that the gay men’s Leather club in my city has such an exclusionary, cliquey presence.
I’m better off without them. And it’s really, ultimately their loss!!
Thanks for reading,
I posted a few months ago something that I’d written earlier in the year. I was so fucking in love with that man (boy) but it caused me a great deal of emotional pain at times, and then a string along from him that there could be a chance of rekindling a different but open relationship. Then ultimately I was, and still I am being ghosted.
How could a man who was so kind, compassionate, and loving turn into something completely opposite of the person I thought I knew?
Anyway, I’m done with that chapter in my life, I hope! And I survived and hopefully I’m somewhat wiser about men and relationships. I seem to be terrible at choosing roommates, and lovers.
After a period of mourning the death of that relationship I resumed playing with various boys who enjoy submission and pain. Restrained to my bed. Blindfolded. Gagged. And some with sound blocking earphones on. They submitted to me totally. They gave up complete control. They trusted me not to do harm or injure them beyond their limits.
And did I ever have a good time!
It excites me to slap their asses as hard as I can with my bare hands and using a paddle. But I enjoy it most when I use my hand. I spank so hard that my own hands become red and sore. Then, I soothe their bright red ass with lite strokes of my hand or my gently licking area. Sometimes I even let my tongue travel toward the area between their ass cheeks. And occasionally i will give them a deep rimming while I let the soreness from the spanking subside.
I move on with my scene by gently tapping their balls in a slow rhythmic manner. I increase the tapping to a hard slapping either with my fingers or by using a riding crop being careful not to injure those beautiful, sexy, and by now, sweaty, sore balls. I pull their ballsack away from the body hard and steady till I hear moans. I only stop when my hand gets sore or they otherwise indicate that the stretching has begun to be too painful for them.
At least I’m getting some relief from my day to day troubles and pent up sexual needs.
More to come.
A funny thing happened on my way to the dungeon. There is a boy i have been crushing on in my local Leather boy’s club for over three years now. Through a series of events that put us in close proximity and helping each other after surgical procedures, we had a sexual encounter.We seemed to mesh together very well. But we were both masochistic submissives. So what’s a boy to do?After some long, intimate conversations he asked if I could be his Sir, and could I hurt him. Surprisingly, I answered yes to both questions. We each completed a BDSM checklist and most of our preferred activities and fetishes were the same. However, I was a bit confused and answered some as a new Dom and some as a masochistic sub. Our sex is very hot, very passionate and extremely satisfying for me, and hopefully for him as well with me as a Dominant Top man. He now calls me Sir! Our first scene started pretty well. I stripped my boy and told him to bend over onto a massage table. I began by spanking him with my hand. Then, I shifted to paddling and then took a riding crop to his already red ass a couple times. Of course taking my time, soothing his ass periodically and checking in with him as Doms are supposed to do. However, I was somewhat over zealous in my new role and my boy called out the safe word “yellow” while Sir was using the riding crop. I immediately felt horrible thinking I was a bad Dom. I thought, “I don’t know what I am doing.” I felt guilty for hurting my boy beyond his level of tolerance. I stopped playing. We got in bed talking and kissing, and stroking and caressing each others skin intermingled with sexual activities. We stayed together for hours and still do every time we see each other.We’ve even progressed to saying the L word to each other! It feels so good. It feels so right. I understand it’s a new relationship and we are still in the lustful honeymoon phase. But, we are older men. We’ve both been around the block many times. We’ve both had previous unhealthy relationships and are determined to have an emotionally, physically and sexually healthy one this time. We have pledged total honesty with each other. We both admit monogamy is not really likely for us, but we are still working on how “non monogamy” will look and work for us. Although I probably painted a lovely picture of our budding relationship there are several HUGE obstacles to us being able to succeed at this and establishing a strong long term relationship. But, I remain optimistic. I hope our love overcomes the obstacles, and strengthens our resolve to be together. I really, truly love my boy!
I first wrote this in late January or early February of this year. For some reason I never published it. But after a couple grammatical changes I’m hitting the publish button now.
The time came when all oral meds, vac pumps and penile injectables failed to give me a sustained, useable erection. Even though i am a sub bottom and a Dom told me once that a bottom has no use for his cock, my occasional hookup would reach down and grasp or attempt oral on mr. unhappy. They could barely contain their disappointment.
A hard cock is a sign of being excited, being engaged in whatever activity is going on and that you find the person(s) you are with to be attractive , sexy, desirable. It’s a symbol of youth, masculinity and virility. A limp dick signals: lack of power and potency, old, tired, not being “into” the other person, finding them unattractive/undesirable. Just too old to get it up any more!
However, i am not that old or tired. my libido is hyper revved and i am always looking for cock and ass. But other than just giving head, or infrequently taking it up the ass i was embarrassed and made excuses for why i was not going to fuck them or even to get off.
i talked myself into believing that the whole focus should be on the Sir. His pleasure and His orgasm are most important. And in deference to Him and His needs i forego attention to or pleasuring my cock. The thought of achieving an orgasm (and knowing i physically was not able) was also explained away by my submissiveness and desire only to please Sir.
So excuses, embarrassment, sadness, fear and guilt, and severe feelings of manly inadequacy be damned!!!
i had a Coloplast Titan penile prosthesis implanted last Friday, December 7th. It’s quite the medical wonder. The surgeon in Miami is world renown for his procedure. i have one small incision above the pubic bone and a small puncture wound where the drain was located. Minimal pain. The irritation from my completely shaved dick and balls and the occasional pulling of the staples is the only real discomfort.
my dick was left partially inflated after the surgery. So, i’ve had a hard cock for five days now. It is exhilarating walking around with my cock so prominently, and obviously displayed whether i wear shorts or jeans. i am proud. i am feeling noticed. i am feeling a resurgence of self esteem and masculinity. It’s exciting to know i can stay hard for hours even after i reach orgasm. i can keep jackhammering ass only to be stopped by my own sheer exhaustion.
It’s really funny, strange…how a man’s identity, self worth, happiness, and oftentimes success in life are so intricately entwined with having a working piece of man meat.
Kinda sad i lost an inch in length due to ED shrinkage but hey, a hard dick even an inch shorter is still a fucking hard cock. Plus i do have a girthy, thick, fat cock…or so i’m told. i’m chomping at the bit to begin using my new bionic cock.
A blow job for Christmas! That’s what the doctor promised. Staples out Tuesday. Learn to pump up, cycle, deflate, etc. Then watch out Fort Lauderdale!
The Men of this city won’t be safe.
Thanks for reading,
i took a chance and “cruised” a young Switch who was profiling His Dom nature on recon.com. Time went by with no response so i cruised Him again. No response. Well, third time being the cliche “charm”, He responded.
He is young, handsome, hairy, and as it turns out is a very sweet, nice Sir.
my first scene with Him was very simply me approaching him in His backyard and being given orders to orally please Him. i did exactly that with great pleasure to myself in my submission to Him and to His great satisfaction.
This evening i was asked to come again to His backyard. However, this time He came out stunningly dressed in full Leather from His cover to His shiny, vintage WWI Boots. He was quite a masculine sight to see. It was heady for me to imagine how He might have me service Him tonight.
He took out a huge cigar, and ordered me to my knees facing him as He lit it. i was allowed to rest my head on His Leather covered thigh close to His Leather covered genitals. The smell of the Leather was intoxicatingly erotic. And occasionally He would draw in a cloud of smoke, place His mouth fully on mine and transfer the smoke into my mouth. He did forewarn me not to inhale the smoke.
i choose not to divulge the details of the encounter. But, it left me desirous of more of Him, more intensity of play, and hopeful of a couple months of play with this Master. i had mentioned in a previous email that i would like intense play with Him. Tonight He agreed to take me down that road.
Why do i submit? i have always been a helper, a doer, a pleaser. i’ve always been courteous and respectful saying Sir, Ma’am, and thank you. i used to hate getting whipped or spanked as a child. But, then i found you can add a Leather and erotic and sexual component to the pain, it became more intriguing and desirable.
So combine my desire to please, with courtesy and respect and saying, “Yes Sir” a lot, and my predilection toward masochism and Y/you have the reasons i submit.
Sir and i have planned another scene whereby i will be bound naked to a St. Andrew’s Cross. First, He will flog me for a while. After some time He will change to a whip. Now, i’ve never been whipped as an adult and definitely not by a hot strong Leather clad Sir who could really do some damage. i am excited, anxious, a bit apprehensive and scared. my biggest fear is wussing out after the strike of the whip. i fear disappointing Sir. i fear disappointing myself. But all i can do is be my best and give my all to Him.
That’s why i’m called to submission.
Thanks for reading,
When Life tries to fuck you, bend over and hand him the lube. What the hell does that mean?
To me it simply means bad things happen, and they happen to us all. The only thing we can do about it is to know it’s going to happen and to try to be as prepared as possible for it. The more you fight against inevitability, the more difficult and painful it will be.
After months of research, three surgical consultations, and personal 1:1 interactions with other patients I decided on the surgeon to do my penile implant. I was scheduled for the procedure to be done on Wednesday, November 7th. But, I’d been having vague symptoms for seven months like occasional night sweats, sho
rtness of breath with exertion, wheezing and infrequently waking in a panic & feeling like I was suffocating. The cardiologist put me through the hoops doing test after test. All came back negative. So when he ordered a CT Angiogram of the heart i thought it too would be ok.
I waited for my preoperative clearance so the surgery could go ahead as scheduled. In the meantime I made an appointment with a pulmonologist thinking my problems might be in the lungs and not my heart.
My appointment with him was Monday. He read the CTA results and said I had a 70% blockage in the LAD coronary artery…a main artery of the heart. Furthermore, he said my surgery would likely be canceled.
I saw Cardiology Tuesday and he confirmed the report read to me by the pulmonologist. My penile implant would have to wait. I needed a cardiac catheterization and he made it seem like an emergency. So, it was scheduled for Wednesday morning. I would probably need a stent and that would delay my surgery for at least six months.
So, when I woke up from anesthesia after the heart cath the doctor said I didn’t need a stent, but have high pressure in the left ventricle. I was groggy and don’t remember anything else he said. But I wondered what does that do to my ability to have surgery?
This coming Monday I’ll get the full report and recommendations as well as find out when my surgery can be scheduled. I’m hoping the high heart pressure is easily treated. I hope my surgery can be done by mid December.
I had feelings of anger, sadness and fear at first. I was angry my surgery was canceled. I was sad that my return to the ability to have erections was delayed AND that I had yet another diagnosis. And I was afraid of the heart cath procedure itself assuming I would experience multiple complications. But i pressed forward knowing what needed to be done and getting it done as soon as possible.
So you could say I saw that life was about to fuck me over again, but instead of resisting, fighting or denying the inevitability of it, I accepted the reality of the situation – I bent over, handed Life the lube and grabbed my ankles. It helped glide me toward being proactive with my health facing whatever new diagnosis I might get with a new resolve to fight it with all my strength.
What will Monday bring in terms of new diagnoses? New medications? New restrictions or limitations?
Whatever happens I’ll be ready with an extra large bottle of lube. I can take it – both deep & hard if that’s what’s in the cards for me.
Thanks for reading,
As my readers probably noticed i have not posted in over two months. For that I heartily apologize.
i got lost in my single life and my over zealous pursuit of dick. i am continually checking at least five different hookup sites every day. So if i am not having sex i am seeking that illusive connection.
There is a lot of overlap or redundancy in the members of the various sites, which i understand since i am on them all too. But, it does get old seeing all the same old faces and being rejected by them on multiple sites. However, there is some “fresh meat” to be found on them all. But it seems most guys have very narrow types or looks that they go for.
i am extremely fluid in the types of men i find attractive. i do not arbitrarily discard, or left swipe a guy just because he does not fit my ideal man. To me: age doesn’t matter (just be legal age); height doesn’t matter; weight doesn’t matter (except extreme over or under weight); hair color & eye color don’t matter; race, ethnicity and color don’t matter; amount of facial and body hair doesn’t matter; dick size doesn’t matter (but if it’s really large, it’s not going up my ass); being cut or uncut doesn’t matter. The only thing that does matter is that we are attracted to each other and the other person(s) doesn’t object to playing with a total bottom.
If i limited myself to hooking up with only those men who fit my exact type, i would never have sex. Let me paint a picture of my ideal partner: 6’1″ 195 lbs, Latino, dark hair, beard & mustache, defined arms and chest, dad bod, hairy everywhere, uncut and 7″-8″, close to my age, a Dominant Top into BDSM and Kink. Not too much to ask is it?
Since i look for sex a lot and find something sexy or attractive in most…well lots of guys online i click like, smile, growl, woof, cruise, etc. on many profiles. What i get back mostly is dead silence. No response! i realize i am not everyone’s type but statistically i should get more responses than i do. With the lack of returned messages i am left feeling i must be no one’s type. However, i try to turn it around to affirm myself by saying to myself, “it’s their loss because i am good in bed!”.
Oh well. Life goes on…
i have been out of my relationship for going on five months now. Lately i have started having flashbacks and memories of the good times together like our vacations, worldwide travels, our wedding, and holidays. Nostalgia can be a dangerous thing after the breakup of a relationship. It starting sucking me back in to thinking about going back, trying again. But, calmer minds prevailed. i left for good and valid reasons. In five months neither of us has changed and we probably never will. So, i’m still in my lovely little apartment on the edge of the gay mecca and enjoying life.
Last week i went to see Christopher Robin with the group FTLMovieBears. i ran into a handsome man around my age that i had met at a pool party on July 4th. We talked briefly and then he leaned in and whispered “you’re cute”. The conversation then took on a different tone. When we were leaving he kissed me…on the lips and sent me an email with the group’s contact person’s email so i could sign up for movie notices. When i got home i emailed this handsome man a thank you message and included an invitation to have lunch with me. He said yes, and ever since that night we’ve texted every day throughout the day sharing pictures and sexually explicit messages. We have a lunch date in a couple days. And then, back to his place. Just one hitch…we are both bottoms. So that’ll be interesting.
And life goes on….
Thanks for reading, boy stray
The end of April was quite a fun, interesting and educational time. i attended the 11th annual Beyond Leather conference held here in Fort Lauderdale. There were over 500 attendees this year; reportedly the most in attendance in the 11 years.
There were kinksters of every flavor, shape, size, color & race. Although it is Pansexual most of the attendees are heterosexual. Doms and subs. Masters and slaves. And, Polyamorous relationships were not uncommon.
The four day conference was filled with educational workshops presented by experts from across the country, and even from England. I attended workshops on the Male G Spot, Electro Play, Living in Leather, Face Slapping, the fine Art of Giving a Blow Job (i could have taught this class), Activities you can do with Just Your Hands, and the Many Uses of a Bandana. There were many more i wish i could have attended.
There was a raffle, a silent auction, the TPE contest, Keynote speeches, and of course there was dungeon play each night. So basically, something for everyone.
Also, a marketplace was set up so we could purchase new toys, clothing, candles for hot wax play, puppy masks, all manner of Leather, impact play implements, and one table with every kind and size of knife you’d ever want to play with….if you’re into that.
All that activity. All that education. All the people Y/you could meet. All that merchandise to buy. And all that play at night. But the best part was that the registration cost was very reasonable. The most expensive part is the hotel stay for out-of-towners. But, even as a local i may stay there next year rather than run back and forth from home to the venue. i feel like i missed a lot by not staying there with the hundreds of other kinksters attending the conference.
So why don’t Y/you Google “Beyond Leather” and check the site periodically for updates about Beyond Leather 2019.
Hope to see Y/you there next year! Y/you won’t regret it!
Thanks for reading,
The day after i published my last blog post i left my husband of many years. He went out socializing with friends that evening so i seized the opportunity and hurriedly ran around the house gathering things i thought i would need, or that i wanted in my new apartment.
The sweat was dripping from me by the time i finished loading what i could get into my tiny, two seat car. i said goodbye to my doggies, and misty eyed i surveyed the house one last time drinking in the memories. Then, i drove away.
i drove not away from unhappiness, but toward a life of joy, freedom, friendships, and immense happiness.
my new life had begun.
i get to decide where furniture is placed. i choose the decor i want. i decide where i want pictures hung, and even the color of my sheets and towels.
Something i hadn’t really explored was the actual cost of starting a new home from scratch. I had to buy sheets and pillows and towels, and dishes and silverware. I had to buy food to stock the refrigerator and pantry. And if i wanted light i had to buy lamps…and light bulbs.
i left most of my clothes at the house simply because it was not on my list of things to grab, so i found myself with only 4 tee shirts, two pair of jeans, and two pair of shorts. BUT, i fucking remembered ALL my leather and toys.
Since i’ve been in my new place i have made up markedly for years of no sex. As of this writing i’ve had sex with or played with more men than you can count on both hands. Some people may think or say i am a slut or a sex addict. But, i won’t put a value judgment on Y/your sex life if Y/you don’t judge mine.
My libido is through the roof. And i hope it stays that way.
Thanks for reading,