Last night i went to the really happening, hot, extremely packed Leather bar in town for a boy’s club toy drive for Christmas. Whether or not this venue is a good choice for the drive is not really the question, but how many nearly naked, beefy muscular Leathermen do you know who carry toys…well, kid appropriate toys anyway, to a Leather bar?
So, I am dressed in my new, well fitting 501 Levi’s jeans, my requisite white tee shirt (a necessity for a leatherboy), my brand new “Bar Vest” with my recently received boy’s club’s emblem/patch freshly stitched on the back, and my clean, black leather combat boots and a standard black leather belt…i had just gotten my hair cut – looked great. And not that it could be seen, but i was also wearing a new, tight, hot little jock. Man, did I really feel great…my self esteem was way up there.
There were several club members there including a new boy wanting to join. i talked with him a lot and enjoyed our interaction. You see, he is new to this whole scene, and to the club, and my full membership in the club was just affirmed by vote in November. We pondered the same questions about who was a Dom & who was a sub, and enjoyed watching the men cruising each other around our donation table area.
When it came time to snap a couple photos i was asked to take the pics… not any of the nonmembers helping us out. Red Flag. I saw a submissive boy I knew from that six week class i just took, standing not 3 feet from me talking to a man, and repeatedly looking my way but never acknowledging my presence or existence. Red Flag! Guys would come up to drop money in the donation bucket, look at the other “boys”at the table and never look at or acknowledge me, even when i said, “thank you.” Red Flag! And, as gay boys are conditioned to do, i admired lots of men quite overtly, but Never saw or felt a returned admiring glance! Red Flag!
Am i fucking invisible? Did i unknowingly put on my secret cloak of invisibility when I got dressed? i checked in with myself. Yep, i still think i look good, I’m smiling, talking to my new friend. Was it me? Was i being too judgmental, or having unreasonable expectations?
So, what the hell?
Today i spent a little time trying to learn about why people feel invisible, or why they are ignored. Everything i read online pointed to low self esteem. But that, at least this time, was not what was going on. i am totally clueless about this.
Also, i employed a couple techniques i learned in PTSD treatment. Those things/feelings happened. It’s done. It’s not me! So, to that i say “Whatever!” “Who Cares”and “So What!”
i believe it was NOT about me last night. It was about them…those men and boys who were in their own little world, dealing with their own insecurities, and their own expectations and agendas for the night.
So, what is your take on this topic? i hope some of you men and boys write me and let me know if this has happened to you; have you had similar experiences? Or, have you consciously ignored someone in a social setting?
Make it a good week,