Finding your Dominant

One of the most frequently asked questions that I see online is “how do i find a Dom?”

In fact, it has been the question ever-present in my mind as well for over two years.  To date, i have not had a real D/s experience other than in classes, through the hiring of a Pro Dom twice, and in a rather unfortunate encounter with a Master who struck me three times on the back with a belt in a semi-public restroom.  No one else was there, but how Very Stupid of me to allow that to happen!!

As a brief aside, we submissives sometimes get so desperate for play, a relationship, or just some affirming attention from a Dominant that we may begin to compromise our safety, our limits, and even consider doing things that are HARD limits, or playing with a Dom that we would never play with under normal circumstances.

When i refreshed my quest to come out in the Leather community i thought it would be somewhat easy to find a hot Dom to submit to.  That thought was quickly squashed when i realized there must be something like 7 submissives for every 1 Dominant (my fuzzy guesstimate).

I was on a couple gay “dating” apps, but those hookups were extremely vanilla when an encounter would actually happen.  Then one day i did a google search and found:

It is a really good gay men’s BDSM/fetish hookup site.  I highly recommend it to potentially meet other men, both Masters/Doms and slaves/subs.  Most men on the site seem to be submissive making it harder to actually meet a Dominant, but i suppose it is possible.  Also by reading the profiles and viewing the pictures you can see what looks and sounds enticing.  Then you can use similar wording and upload the same kind of pictures that show your best assets & that may capture the attention of more men.

The membership fee is very reasonable and i suggest you at least try it for 6 months before deciding to revert to the free version.

Online options for Leather BDSM Gay hookups are hard to find.  You would think with all the general BDSM sites that come up with a Google search more hookup sites would be listed.  The few i do see are primarily heterosexual and pricey.  Some let you sign up but if you are sent a message you have to buy a membership to read the message.

i just found  Looked good but seemed a bit pricey for me.

Although is not really a hookup site, it is a good resource for meeting and discussing your particular fetishes with like-minded people.

If you do actively pursue the online option, here are a few suggestions to hopefully make it a better experience:

  1. Tell the advertiser what attracted you to their ad, and a little bit about yourself
  2. Be open and honest about your personal circumstances, what you are looking for and what you look like
  3. Be polite and avoid crudity
  4. Take your time to get the reply right
  5. Include an anonymous email address (one you have set up on or specifically for the purpose)
  6. Do not include your phone number or anything that might identify you
  7. Do not respond to more that 4 or 5 ads at a time
  8. Do not be crude or rude
  9. Do not overstate your interests or experience
  10. Do not reply to ads that clearly don’t fit your requirements, or where you don’t fit theirs
  11. Do not reply to ads where the advertiser lives way outside your local geographic area unless you are willing to relocate.

Once you start getting replies, it’s important that you reply to every single one of them, even if it’s just to say thanks but no thanks. Remember, by placing an advertisement you’re asking people to respond. Not bothering to reply to them when they have taken the trouble to do as you’ve asked is downright rude.

Back to finding your Dom!  The other options are Munches – a monthly dinner social in a restaurant with other men and women into the lifestyle.  The dress is vanilla casual so as not to out anyone publicly inadvertently.  i have attended a couple but found it to be largely a straight attendance.

The other options, and likely the best ones, are Leather organizations, clubs, and bars.  These will probably be located in larger cities, making it more difficult for those kinksters in smaller cities and in rural areas.

Meeting and networking in gay Leather bars and gay BDSM clubs is probably the best and safer way of finding potential play partners or Doms wanting relationships.  The other members may introduce you to someone or could recommend a Dom they know to be safe to play with.

This is the place i find myself in now.  I belong to a club for submissives and i am seeking membership in an organization for Doms and subs.  Also, i go bar hoping, attend classes and events…all in the hope of meeting a Dom who could become a regular play partner.

Any suggestions or ideas you’d like to share?  Send a comment that may benefit many men in a similar predicament.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray


3 thoughts on “Finding your Dominant

  1. Guys talk about Recon all the time as if it’s some kind of mecca…but mostly for Doms. At least Recon lets you lay it all out what you’re in to.
    Some guys attend the Folsom or Up Your Alley events in SF, Folsom Berlin, London Fetish Fairs. And there’s the NYBC in New York that has monthly bondage parties for guys for a small fee at the door (sometimes free if you get on their mailing list at ) . Bondage-a-go-go here and in Chicago are predominantly for hetero people. And then there is steamworks ( in several cities. I reblogged in hope that others who follow me will contribute. Hope this helps.

    Liked by 1 person

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