Much of what i hear about in the BDSM community during my coming out and fitting in process is about personal safety…mine and the Doms.
i wrote before about my own stupidity in going too fast and not vetting my play partners. Vetting is the process of getting to know the person you want to play with prior to any scene you may have with them. you should find out about them as a person outside of kink. you need to know their real name, hopefully address, perhaps something about their employment, and any friends in the community to vouch for them in terms of them being Safe, Sane and Consensual in their approach to BDSM/Kink play.
Safe – the Dom works His scene and plays from the standpoint of safety for all parties involved in the scene. He tries to the best of His ability to make sure no harm comes to anyone though His or the other participants actions or inactions. The submissive or bottom in the play is equally responsible for the safety of the other players as well. Nothing is done to harm anyone, although inadvertent accidents can and most likely will occur from time to time. Care and planning should take place in advance to ensure the quick release of a sub from bondage if necessary. The sub could have circulation impairment or breathing restriction, or could have a seizure, a diabetic or cardiac emergency. There could be cuts, abrasions, or burns that need attending too.
Every scene needs to be planned so most foreseeable accidents or medical problems can be averted. Have a first aid kit on hand. Have water or an electrolyte solution available for dehydration, orange juice or sugary drink available in case of a drop in blood sugar. Know CPR! Have a cell phone or landline phone on hand in case 911 must be called.
Sane – Know Y/your kink. Have experience and really know how to a do whatever play activity Y/you plan to engage in. Do NOTHING that intentionally causes unwanted pain, or other injury. Y/you certainly don’t want to play with anyone who is unskilled and uncaring for your emotional and physical safety. you don’t want a Dom ordering you to do anything that could get you arrested, like injuring someone else, or doing something illegal such as public exposure of genitals or public play. Again this is where vetting comes in. you don’t want a Dom who can not call an end to a scene that is becoming uncomfortable for Him to continue to participate in, or who will not stop the activity when the sub calls out the safe word to either slow down or even stop the scene.
Consensual – Y/you must give verbal or written permission for all activities that Y/you want or expect to happen during Y/your play session. Written permission can take the form of reviewing and completing together the BDSM/Kink checklist of those things (activities) Y/you will and won’t do. Y/you do not want to be restrained and have the Dom decide he wants to do fire play or use a Violet Wand on you when you explicitly said you absolutely do not want to do those things. Implied consent should not even be considered an option. Implied consent does not exist in BDSM/Kink play. The sub may be too new, too excited to be playing, too uninformed, or too intimidated by the Dominant to speak up, to verbally and adamantly call an end to a scene, to exclaim RED! when that line has been crossed. Silence does not mean consent is given. It should be a sign to all participants that clarification and explicit consent needs to be obtained or withdrawn before proceeding with the activity.
RACK stands for Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. RACK is different in that it allows players to choose for themselves the level of risk they are willing to take. They may choose to play under the influence of alcohol or drugs, which is diametrically opposed to SSC principles. RACK allows more flexibility in terms of what may be considered safe play. Both concepts support the idea of the participants being consenting adults who are knowledgeable about the activities they are going to be doing and that they take precautions to reduce or prevent harm. Each BDSM/Kink player must decide which concept works best for them based on their experiences and comfort level.
Examples of my naïveté and inexperience include having my belt removed and placed around my neck in an adult bookstore which I consented to. However, i had taken an erection enhancement pill, so when He placed a popper bottle under my nose, and i didn’t stop Him, one short inhalation after the pill that lowers blood pressure and i went down like a lead weight. He ran out of the booth leaving me on the floor, sweating profusely, embarrassed from the loud noise of falling on the condom and cum filled trash can, and then trying to compose myself enough to pull up my pants, put my belt back on and exist the building nonchalantly.
i believe i already mentioned in an earlier post about the Dom who ordered me to pull my shorts down exposing myself in a gazebo outside a coffee shop, then having me go to the men’s room where he used his belt to strike me on the back twice before I stopped him.
Then there were the two episodes where guys tried to fist me without my explicit consent, causing lots of pain, probably as much from their lack of skill as my inexperience with fisting.
i share these few brief examples to show my own lack of awareness and education about Safe, Sane, and Consensual play. i was too eager for the opportunities to play. I was too intimidated to say NO. And my lack of giving or withdrawing consent was interpreted as “implied” consent putting me in dangerous and illegal situations.
i have learned a great deal and am internalizing the principles of SSC play. Hopefully now i will be better prepared to give or withdraw my consent overtly, and not silently go with whatever happens despite the risks/dangers by having the Dom believe i am giving implied consent to the activity.
Do educate yourself about SSC and RACK. Don’t be so horny that your principles go out the window. Don’t let anyone assume you are giving implied consent by remaining silent when certain unpleasant or unwanted activities begin. Don’t let a Dom intimidate you into silence! Advocate for your own safety!
Thanks for reading. Be safe!