When Life Tries to Fuck You

When Life tries to fuck you, bend over and hand him the lube. What the hell does that mean?

To me it simply means bad things happen, and they happen to us all. The only thing we can do about it is to know it’s going to happen and to try to be as prepared as possible for it. The more you fight against inevitability, the more difficult and painful it will be.

After months of research, three surgical consultations, and personal 1:1 interactions with other patients I decided on the surgeon to do my penile implant. I was scheduled for the procedure to be done on Wednesday, November 7th. But, I’d been having vague symptoms for seven months like occasional night sweats, sho

rtness of breath with exertion, wheezing and infrequently waking in a panic & feeling like I was suffocating. The cardiologist put me through the hoops doing test after test. All came back negative. So when he ordered a CT Angiogram of the heart i thought it too would be ok.

I waited for my preoperative clearance so the surgery could go ahead as scheduled. In the meantime I made an appointment with a pulmonologist thinking my problems might be in the lungs and not my heart.

My appointment with him was Monday. He read the CTA results and said I had a 70% blockage in the LAD coronary artery…a main artery of the heart. Furthermore, he said my surgery would likely be canceled.

I saw Cardiology Tuesday and he confirmed the report read to me by the pulmonologist. My penile implant would have to wait. I needed a cardiac catheterization and he made it seem like an emergency. So, it was scheduled for Wednesday morning. I would probably need a stent and that would delay my surgery for at least six months.

So, when I woke up from anesthesia after the heart cath the doctor said I didn’t need a stent, but have high pressure in the left ventricle. I was groggy and don’t remember anything else he said. But I wondered what does that do to my ability to have surgery?

This coming Monday I’ll get the full report and recommendations as well as find out when my surgery can be scheduled. I’m hoping the high heart pressure is easily treated. I hope my surgery can be done by mid December.

I had feelings of anger, sadness and fear at first. I was angry my surgery was canceled. I was sad that my return to the ability to have erections was delayed AND that I had yet another diagnosis. And I was afraid of the heart cath procedure itself assuming I would experience multiple complications. But i pressed forward knowing what needed to be done and getting it done as soon as possible.

So you could say I saw that life was about to fuck me over again, but instead of resisting, fighting or denying the inevitability of it, I accepted the reality of the situation – I bent over, handed Life the lube and grabbed my ankles. It helped glide me toward being proactive with my health facing whatever new diagnosis I might get with a new resolve to fight it with all my strength.

What will Monday bring in terms of new diagnoses? New medications? New restrictions or limitations?

Whatever happens I’ll be ready with an extra large bottle of lube. I can take it – both deep & hard if that’s what’s in the cards for me.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

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