***This blog post was written December 3, 2019….but I forgot to publish it. So it will be out of sync with the post I just published. Sorry for the confusion.
My most recent post left out something extremely significant that happened in October.
I was diagnosed with a recurrence of the anal cancer I was originally diagnosed with in 2016. There was a brief, very brief discussion of the possibility of an AP resection to remove the cancer. An AP resection is the complete surgical removal of the anus and rectum with the creation of a colostomy. I immediately dismissed that as an option.
When I was in college to become a registered nurse I saw my first colostomy and resolved then, and there, I would never consent to having that done to me. I guess I’m way to vain to live with that the rest of my life. And, even though I’d never had sex at that time, I now realize how important my asshole was/is to my sex life.
So the only real option for me was to have a simple resection of the anal tumor, which was done on October 21, 2019.
Initially there was some pain postoperatively, but then it was only painful to shit…and to be gross for a second – quite messy. I had to shower each time to actually get and feel clean so I took 5-6 showers every day. That continued for weeks, but thank god it finally decreased to just one or two a day. But I’m still having a bit of wound drainage/moisture because the fucking stitches broke leaving me with an open wound that is healing extremely slowly.
My libido tanked. Plus even if I wanted to have sex, I was afraid of risking an infection or injury from the physical act of being with someone sexually. So it’s been six weeks since my last sexual encounter. I only recently jerked off – successfully – and that took a lot of effort, porn videos, a really slender butt plug and repeated tries before I got to the full explosion of orgasmic relief.
Anyway. I’m on my way to a full recovery. I’ve even started searching the hookup sites again and chatting with a few boys. But when it comes to actually hooking up, I back out with some lame excuse.
I suppose I’m somewhat depressed even though I won’t admit that to anyone. I have been living in my bedroom, mostly in bed binge watching Netflix and Amazon Prime movies and series shows. I have realized how abysmal most gay movies are with the amateurish acting, boring plotlines, and the poor sound and video quality. And I probably enjoy murder and serial killer movies a bit too much.
I put away all my sex toys and implements of pain and pleasure. I finally took the large portrait of the boy I was/am in love with off the wall.
I’m waiting for full asshole recovery, return of my libido and quite frankly my getting over the feeling that no one I’ve been with since my breakup has been as enjoyable or compatible as my boy.
There are many activities and places for a kinky Leatherman to go now. There are dungeon meetings, support and educational opportunities, play parties, munhes, gay Leather bars to go to and even Leather and BDSM/kink organizations to join in my area. One day soon I will once again plunge into the smorgasbord of options to get involved with as a gay Leatherman.
To end this blog post I will tell you that the scene name I selected when i initially transitioned to being a Dom was plain, boring and anything but unique. So last week I chose a new name. I wanted a name that is powerful and unique.
I am now Sir Titan.
Thanks for reading my ramblings.