In the last month while talking to my therapist I’ve broached the topic of my finding someone with whom I could develop a relationship. Both times he enumerated the probability that I won’t find another partner because:
1. I’m old (according to him)
2. I have a couple of disabling conditions and currently have trouble walking very far
3. I have AIDS
4. I’m gay
5. I’m into Leather & BDSM
6. I’m Jewish and would like to have a Jewish boy. (Highly flexible on this one)
There is a saying people like to toss around after someone has a relationship breakup. Well meaning people say, “oh there are plenty of fish in the sea.” But as my therapist explained it to me the sea would be overflowing with potential partners if I was young, was the picture of health, wasn’t HIV positive, didn’t prefer non vanilla sex and kinky play, and didn’t prefer a Jewish partner.
So what is a disabled Dom to do?
That question could be answered more easily if we weren’t in the throes of a pandemic that has quite effectively destroyed casual social interaction and sex with anyone outside our immediate “shelter in place” partners or other cohabitating individuals. I do share an apartment with a roommate but we are in no way sexual with each other.
Bars are closed. No more getting dressed in leather. No more cruising in a bar packed with hot men all in search of their next conquest or perhaps finally meeting that special Sir or boy with whom they hope to build a D/s relationship.
Everything is at a fucking standstill!
Online? Sure. I keep perusing the sites – recon, Adam4Adam, GROWLr, scruff, barebackrt, grindr…well the list goes on and on. I’m even member of a couple mainstream dating apps. Now I logon to the hookup sites just to cruise the hot men online and look at their nude pics.
But, I guess I’m shocked, amazed and frankly afraid because so many gay men are still hooking up and putting their lives and the lives their “tricks” at risk of being infected. And that in turn puts their other contacts at risk of infection. The virus continues to spread. Contagion continues unabated.
When I am hit on and asked to hookup I either gently educate them about the risks of COVID-19 infection. Or with other guys I launch into a diatribe about how easily the virus is spread and how quickly many of those infected die a painful, terrifying death by suffocation. This is not like HIV. HIV infection is a slow, insidious infection that does it’s damage over the course of many years. This COVID-19 virus does it’s damage rapidly, killing people within days or weeks of being infected.
WAKE THE FUCK UP you cockhounds. Is a ten minute blow job or 30 minute fuck worth dying for? If you say yes, or otherwise try to rationalize your actions all I can say is God help you.
In the last five months of sheltering in place, wearing masks and social distancing I’ve had two massages and yes they had happy endings. I’m really tired of jerking off. I crave skin to skin contact with another man. But I haven’t had anyone here and I haven’t gone to anyone’s house for sex. I honestly and desperately need massages periodically to help decrease pain and stiffness caused by my severe arthritis. So I will need to again weigh the pros and cons of getting a massage this week as the numbers of infected continues to rapidly increase.
I don’t know what is going to happen or how long we will have to exist in this altered reality. I do know it’s taking a toll on me.
Ok. So I’ve been a loner all my life. It probably is a result of my deep, life crushing shyness caused by child sexual abuse. As a kid I stayed in my bedroom nearly all the time. I ventured out only to watch television, pee and to eat. I always found things to occupy my mind and to pass the time. I didn’t like talking to people. I never initiated conversations. And if someone tried to talk to me I didn’t know what to say in response to them to keep the conversation going. I was socially inept….backward, like I was raised in a place devoid of any people.
I even remember having the conscious thought that I wished I was physically unable to talk…..that I was an actual mute person.
My mother at one point said I needed to go to a psychiatrist. She was concerned about me being withdrawn, being a loner and because I was obviously depressed. It was around the time I was again sexually abused but this time by my second cousin. However she never took me, because we didn’t go for psychiatric treatments or therapy back then. “What if the neighbors or worse family found out?” My parents didn’t trust the psychiatrist’s vow of confidentiality.
It was the AIDS pandemic that brought me out of my petrifying fear of talking to people, and especially in front of numerous people. I volunteered to work with an AIDS organization in the late 1980s and early 1990s. Eventually I was voted onto the board of directors, and I think even President at one point. I rose through the volunteer ranks because everyone else kept fucking dying. Then my friend Ron, who was executive director died and I assumed that position. The sad thing about Ron who was known nationally and statewide for his work and advocacy for people living with AIDS was that when he died his family was so fucking ashamed of his being gay and having died of AIDS that he was not honored for his activism at the funeral. Also his partner was treated like just one of his friends and they lied about the cause of his death. AIDS wasn’t a socially acceptable cause of death back then like COVID-19 is today.
Wow, down the rabbit hole I went with all that. When I became executive director of the organization I received several requests a week for a person with HIV to speak to a college class, a class at a seminary or a social group, etc. My dear friend Teresa, whose husband and daughter both died of AIDS, agreed to speak if I went with her. So we became a traveling side show talking about living with HIV. Of course the pressing issue everyone wanted to know was “how’d you get it?” Every one of the attendees seemed to have a prurient interest in knowing if we got infected in a socially acceptable way. I was asked that question so many times by so many different people that at one point when I was having an intake interview at an HIV/AIDS agency that I indignantly proclaimed, “getting fucked in the ass so much.” Well, it was the real reason, perhaps it was a bit too specific for the case manager who was just doing his job.
Teresa was endearing to them because she was infected sexually by her husband (socially acceptable). Also, she had a sweet baby girl that had died at the age of 22 months. I, on the other hand….was a fag infected by getting fucked in the ass too many times and by too many men. My story wasn’t as sad or compelling. But, AIDS gave me a voice, an ability to speak to groups with just a few people and even to hundreds of people gathered after the gay pride march at the steps of the Louisville Courthouse in 1992 I think it was. Even my parents were there marching with my partner and me as well as dykes, drag queens, leather men, bears and muscle boys. If my parents were embarrassed or ashamed they never showed it.
My voice has come and gone over the years. With each new passionate issue or interest I could again speak up and have my voice heard. But now I am at an age when I can say just about anything to anyone whenever I want to. These days I am able once again to talk to large and small groups of people.
Although I came out of my shell at times to speaker openly, I remained a loner through all those years barely able to contribute to a relaxed conversation with friends at dinner. I much preferred my house, my TV, a book or a video game. I hated talking on the phone so when texting was developed I took to it immediately. I still text people and only call when absolutely necessary.
That was a long winded recap of my activism and involvement that brings us full circle up to our current situation with COVID-19. Governmental mandates to isolate at home and maintain social distancing only fortified my desire to continue being a loner.
The first 6 weeks or so of isolation I was fine. I didn’t have to go anywhere or do anything. I didn’t have to get dressed (and as a nudist that’s really cut down on laundry costs). I didn’t have to talk to anyone or make idle chit chat with strangers.
But, after all these weeks I have begun to tire of 18 hours a day of Netflix and Amazon Prime movies. I’m tired of not being able to go to dinner with fiends in a restaurant or go out to the local Leather bars or to nudist socials or to Haulover Beach (to the gay nudist section).
In an effort to not go bonkers I found a diversion that would challenge my mind and hopefully fulfill a long time bucket list item at the same time. I started studying Spanish. I got a tutor through an app called Italki, who lives in Buenas Aires, Argentina. We have lessons three times a week for an hour each time through the Zoom app. And believe it when I say the cost is minuscule compared to hiring a tutor here in this country. I study about two hours every day on my own and recently, I started working weekly with a gay man from Valenzuela who lives here to help expand my vocabulary, help improve my pronunciation and to increase my ability to have a real conversation in Spanish.
But even that’s not enough. I’m getting restless after 9 weeks. I want to get dressed in my Leather and go out to the leather bars. I want to have sex. Lots of sex. I want to have BDSM play sessions. I want to start going to my dungeon classes and my Al-Anon meetings in person again. I want to have coffee with my friends and go to movies and out to dinner. I want to go to naked pool parties. I want to finally go to Haulover Beach to the gay, nudist section. But I’m fucking stuck at home in isolation from the world. If I have to go out for food or prescriptions I have to wear a mask and maintain six feet of social distancing.
Unfortunately I have risked death from COVID-19 four times recently. I absolutely had to get a therapeutic massage, but who would have guessed that I would get a much needed explosive happy ending as well. The second time was again another massage but with this one I knew it would be sexually charged with a little massage here and there. Again a huge explosive orgasm and ejaculation. Geez it was fantastic! It was definitely a happy ending. Number three was oral sex – but he did have his mask on. The last time was a simple hand job but he didn’t have a mask on. And neither did I. I gave in to being led by my “cockhead” and not my brain. But I have to admit it’s highly likely that I will do it again.
I haven’t had a submissive bottom boy up to my apartment yet. I’ve refrained from giving in to that despite the overwhelming need to restrain a boy and paddle his ass till it’s bright red and he’s dripping precum from the sexual excitement of it all.
Finally I have overcome my inability to orgasm and ejaculate. Ive been working to restore my foreskin for about three years, and I now have enough loose shaft skin that I can use that loose skin to glide easily over the head of my dick. I don’t need lube anymore and there is no damaging, painful friction burn from not using lube.
But there are two other factors that ensure that I will likely orgasm. It helps significantly if I insert a butt plug and watch autofellatio videos on the internet. I jerked off seven times in ten days. Prior to this resurgence of my heightened sex drive. At my age I was down to masturbating just a few times a month. I couldn’t get off so I would usually quit out of frustration or my arm muscles would give out from exhaustion. However, I was having sex a lot and engaging in BDSM sessions regularly. But I was unable to cum during any of those activities.
So the only positive thing to come from the COVID-19 isolation is being spurred to study Spanish intensely every day. Also I’ve gotten back in touch with my sexual energy and needs. But most importantly I have regained the ability to cum.
If this isolation business continues much longer I don’t know what I will do. Going stir crazy seems quite likely. But I just heard that the Florida government is allowing, or implementing a soft opening of a lot of restaurants and other businesses. I’m thinking I’ll continue to observe home isolation for while longer. I want to see if the number of new infections and deaths have a resurgence with loosening of infection control measures.
What are you guys doing to stay safe and sane? How are you dealing with meeting your sexual needs and desires? Send an email or post a message here.