In the last month while talking to my therapist I’ve broached the topic of my finding someone with whom I could develop a relationship. Both times he enumerated the probability that I won’t find another partner because:
1. I’m old (according to him)
2. I have a couple of disabling conditions and currently have trouble walking very far
3. I have AIDS
4. I’m gay
5. I’m into Leather & BDSM
6. I’m Jewish and would like to have a Jewish boy. (Highly flexible on this one)
There is a saying people like to toss around after someone has a relationship breakup. Well meaning people say, “oh there are plenty of fish in the sea.” But as my therapist explained it to me the sea would be overflowing with potential partners if I was young, was the picture of health, wasn’t HIV positive, didn’t prefer non vanilla sex and kinky play, and didn’t prefer a Jewish partner.
So what is a disabled Dom to do?
That question could be answered more easily if we weren’t in the throes of a pandemic that has quite effectively destroyed casual social interaction and sex with anyone outside our immediate “shelter in place” partners or other cohabitating individuals. I do share an apartment with a roommate but we are in no way sexual with each other.
Bars are closed. No more getting dressed in leather. No more cruising in a bar packed with hot men all in search of their next conquest or perhaps finally meeting that special Sir or boy with whom they hope to build a D/s relationship.
Everything is at a fucking standstill!
Online? Sure. I keep perusing the sites – recon, Adam4Adam, GROWLr, scruff, barebackrt, grindr…well the list goes on and on. I’m even member of a couple mainstream dating apps. Now I logon to the hookup sites just to cruise the hot men online and look at their nude pics.
But, I guess I’m shocked, amazed and frankly afraid because so many gay men are still hooking up and putting their lives and the lives their “tricks” at risk of being infected. And that in turn puts their other contacts at risk of infection. The virus continues to spread. Contagion continues unabated.
When I am hit on and asked to hookup I either gently educate them about the risks of COVID-19 infection. Or with other guys I launch into a diatribe about how easily the virus is spread and how quickly many of those infected die a painful, terrifying death by suffocation. This is not like HIV. HIV infection is a slow, insidious infection that does it’s damage over the course of many years. This COVID-19 virus does it’s damage rapidly, killing people within days or weeks of being infected.
WAKE THE FUCK UP you cockhounds. Is a ten minute blow job or 30 minute fuck worth dying for? If you say yes, or otherwise try to rationalize your actions all I can say is God help you.
In the last five months of sheltering in place, wearing masks and social distancing I’ve had two massages and yes they had happy endings. I’m really tired of jerking off. I crave skin to skin contact with another man. But I haven’t had anyone here and I haven’t gone to anyone’s house for sex. I honestly and desperately need massages periodically to help decrease pain and stiffness caused by my severe arthritis. So I will need to again weigh the pros and cons of getting a massage this week as the numbers of infected continues to rapidly increase.
I don’t know what is going to happen or how long we will have to exist in this altered reality. I do know it’s taking a toll on me.
Thanks for reading,