my Bionic Cock

The time came when all oral meds, vac pumps and penile injectables failed to give me a sustained, useable erection. Even though i am a sub bottom and a Dom told me once that a bottom has no use for his cock, my occasional hookup would reach down and grasp or attempt oral on mr. unhappy. They could barely contain their disappointment.

A hard cock is a sign of being excited, being engaged in whatever activity is going on and that you find the person(s) you are with to be attractive , sexy, desirable. It’s a symbol of youth, masculinity and virility. A limp dick signals: lack of power and potency, old, tired, not being “into” the other person, finding them unattractive/undesirable. Just too old to get it up any more!

However, i am not that old or tired. my libido is hyper revved and i am always looking for cock and ass. But other than just giving head, or infrequently taking it up the ass i was embarrassed and made excuses for why i was not going to fuck them or even to get off.

i talked myself into believing that the whole focus should be on the Sir. His pleasure and His orgasm are most important. And in deference to Him and His needs i forego attention to or pleasuring my cock. The thought of achieving an orgasm (and knowing i physically was not able) was also explained away by my submissiveness and desire only to please Sir.

So excuses, embarrassment, sadness, fear and guilt, and severe feelings of manly inadequacy be damned!!!

i had a Coloplast Titan penile prosthesis implanted last Friday, December 7th. It’s quite the medical wonder. The surgeon in Miami is world renown for his procedure. i have one small incision above the pubic bone and a small puncture wound where the drain was located. Minimal pain. The irritation from my completely shaved dick and balls and the occasional pulling of the staples is the only real discomfort.

my dick was left partially inflated after the surgery.  So, i’ve had a hard cock for five days now.   It is exhilarating walking around with my cock so prominently, and obviously displayed whether i wear shorts or jeans. i am proud. i am feeling noticed. i am feeling a resurgence of self esteem and masculinity.  It’s exciting to know i can stay hard for hours even after i reach orgasm.  i can keep jackhammering ass only to be stopped by my own sheer exhaustion.

It’s really funny, strange…how a man’s identity, self worth, happiness, and oftentimes success in life are so intricately entwined with having a working piece of man meat.

Kinda sad i lost an inch in length due to ED shrinkage but hey, a hard dick even an inch shorter is still a fucking hard cock.  Plus i do have a girthy, thick, fat cock…or so i’m told.  i’m chomping at the bit to begin using my new bionic cock.

A blow job for Christmas! That’s what the doctor promised. Staples out Tuesday. Learn to pump up, cycle, deflate, etc. Then watch out Fort Lauderdale!

The Men of this city won’t be safe.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Why Do i Submit?

i took a chance and “cruised” a young Switch who was profiling His Dom nature on recon.com. Time went by with no response so i cruised Him again. No response. Well, third time being the cliche “charm”, He responded.

He is young, handsome, hairy, and as it turns out is a very sweet, nice Sir.

my first scene with Him was very simply me approaching him in His backyard and being given orders to orally please Him. i did exactly that with great pleasure to myself in my submission to Him and to His great satisfaction.

This evening i was asked to come again to His backyard. However, this time He came out stunningly dressed in full Leather from His cover to His shiny, vintage WWI Boots. He was quite a masculine sight to see. It was heady for me to imagine how He might have me service Him tonight.

He took out a huge cigar, and ordered me to my knees facing him as He lit it. i was allowed to rest my head on His Leather covered thigh close to His Leather covered genitals. The smell of the Leather was intoxicatingly erotic. And occasionally He would draw in a cloud of smoke, place His mouth fully on mine and transfer the smoke into my mouth. He did forewarn me not to inhale the smoke.

i choose not to divulge the details of the encounter. But, it left me desirous of more of Him, more intensity of play, and hopeful of a couple months of play with this Master. i had mentioned in a previous email that i would like intense play with Him. Tonight He agreed to take me down that road.

Why do i submit? i have always been a helper, a doer, a pleaser. i’ve always been courteous and respectful saying Sir, Ma’am, and thank you. i used to hate getting whipped or spanked as a child. But, then i found you can add a Leather and erotic and sexual component to the pain, it became more intriguing and desirable.

So combine my desire to please, with courtesy and respect and saying, “Yes Sir” a lot, and my predilection toward masochism and Y/you have the reasons i submit.

Sir and i have planned another scene whereby i will be bound naked to a St. Andrew’s Cross. First, He will flog me for a while. After some time He will change to a whip. Now, i’ve never been whipped as an adult and definitely not by a hot strong Leather clad Sir who could really do some damage. i am excited, anxious, a bit apprehensive and scared. my biggest fear is wussing out after the strike of the whip. i fear disappointing Sir. i fear disappointing myself. But all i can do is be my best and give my all to Him.

That’s why i’m called to submission.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

When Life Tries to Fuck You

When Life tries to fuck you, bend over and hand him the lube. What the hell does that mean?

To me it simply means bad things happen, and they happen to us all. The only thing we can do about it is to know it’s going to happen and to try to be as prepared as possible for it. The more you fight against inevitability, the more difficult and painful it will be.

After months of research, three surgical consultations, and personal 1:1 interactions with other patients I decided on the surgeon to do my penile implant. I was scheduled for the procedure to be done on Wednesday, November 7th. But, I’d been having vague symptoms for seven months like occasional night sweats, sho

rtness of breath with exertion, wheezing and infrequently waking in a panic & feeling like I was suffocating. The cardiologist put me through the hoops doing test after test. All came back negative. So when he ordered a CT Angiogram of the heart i thought it too would be ok.

I waited for my preoperative clearance so the surgery could go ahead as scheduled. In the meantime I made an appointment with a pulmonologist thinking my problems might be in the lungs and not my heart.

My appointment with him was Monday. He read the CTA results and said I had a 70% blockage in the LAD coronary artery…a main artery of the heart. Furthermore, he said my surgery would likely be canceled.

I saw Cardiology Tuesday and he confirmed the report read to me by the pulmonologist. My penile implant would have to wait. I needed a cardiac catheterization and he made it seem like an emergency. So, it was scheduled for Wednesday morning. I would probably need a stent and that would delay my surgery for at least six months.

So, when I woke up from anesthesia after the heart cath the doctor said I didn’t need a stent, but have high pressure in the left ventricle. I was groggy and don’t remember anything else he said. But I wondered what does that do to my ability to have surgery?

This coming Monday I’ll get the full report and recommendations as well as find out when my surgery can be scheduled. I’m hoping the high heart pressure is easily treated. I hope my surgery can be done by mid December.

I had feelings of anger, sadness and fear at first. I was angry my surgery was canceled. I was sad that my return to the ability to have erections was delayed AND that I had yet another diagnosis. And I was afraid of the heart cath procedure itself assuming I would experience multiple complications. But i pressed forward knowing what needed to be done and getting it done as soon as possible.

So you could say I saw that life was about to fuck me over again, but instead of resisting, fighting or denying the inevitability of it, I accepted the reality of the situation – I bent over, handed Life the lube and grabbed my ankles. It helped glide me toward being proactive with my health facing whatever new diagnosis I might get with a new resolve to fight it with all my strength.

What will Monday bring in terms of new diagnoses? New medications? New restrictions or limitations?

Whatever happens I’ll be ready with an extra large bottle of lube. I can take it – both deep & hard if that’s what’s in the cards for me.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Life Goes On…

As my readers probably noticed i have not posted in over two months. For that I heartily apologize.

i got lost in my single life and my over zealous pursuit of dick. i am continually checking at least five different hookup sites every day. So if i am not having sex i am seeking that illusive connection.

There is a lot of overlap or redundancy in the members of the various sites, which i understand since i am on them all too. But, it does get old seeing all the same old faces and being rejected by them on multiple sites.   However, there is some “fresh meat” to be found on them all.  But it seems most guys have very narrow types or looks that they go for.

i am extremely fluid in the types of men i find attractive. i do not arbitrarily discard, or left swipe a guy just because he does not fit my ideal man. To me: age doesn’t matter (just be legal age); height doesn’t matter; weight doesn’t matter (except extreme over or under weight); hair color & eye color don’t matter; race, ethnicity and color don’t matter; amount of facial and body hair doesn’t matter; dick size doesn’t matter (but if it’s really large, it’s not going up my ass); being cut or uncut doesn’t matter. The only thing that does matter is that we are attracted to each other and the other person(s) doesn’t object to playing with a total bottom.

If i limited myself to hooking up with only those men who fit my exact type, i would never have sex. Let me paint a picture of my ideal partner: 6’1″ 195 lbs, Latino, dark hair, beard & mustache, defined arms and chest, dad bod, hairy everywhere, uncut and 7″-8″, close to my age, a Dominant Top into BDSM and Kink. Not too much to ask is it?

Since i look for sex a lot and find something sexy or attractive in most…well lots of guys online i click like, smile, growl, woof, cruise, etc. on many profiles. What i get back mostly is dead silence. No response! i realize i am not everyone’s type but statistically i should get more responses than i do. With the lack of returned messages i am left feeling i must be no one’s type.  However, i try to turn it around to affirm myself by saying to myself, “it’s their loss because i am good in bed!”.

Oh well. Life goes on…

i have been out of my relationship for going on five months now. Lately i have started having flashbacks and memories of the good times together like our vacations, worldwide travels, our wedding, and holidays. Nostalgia can be a dangerous thing after the breakup of a relationship. It starting sucking me back in to thinking about going back, trying again. But, calmer minds prevailed.  i left for good and valid reasons.  In five months neither of us has changed and we probably never will.   So, i’m still in my lovely little apartment on the edge of the gay mecca and enjoying life.

Last week i went to see Christopher Robin with the group FTLMovieBears. i ran into a handsome man around my age that i had met at a pool party on July 4th. We talked briefly and then he leaned in and whispered “you’re cute”. The conversation then took on a different tone. When we were leaving he kissed me…on the lips and sent me an email with the group’s contact person’s email so i could sign up for movie notices. When i got home i emailed this handsome man a thank you message and included an invitation to have lunch with me. He said yes, and ever since that night we’ve texted every day throughout the day sharing pictures and sexually explicit messages. We have a lunch date in a couple days.  And then, back to his place. Just one hitch…we are both bottoms. So that’ll be interesting.

And life goes on….

Thanks for reading,                                      boy stray

Beyond Leather: a BDSM & Kinky Conference

The end of April was quite a fun, interesting and educational time. i attended the 11th annual Beyond Leather conference held here in Fort Lauderdale. There were over 500 attendees this year; reportedly the most in attendance in the 11 years.

There were kinksters of every flavor, shape, size, color & race. Although it is Pansexual most of the attendees are heterosexual. Doms and subs. Masters and slaves. And, Polyamorous relationships were not uncommon.

The four day conference was filled with educational workshops presented by experts from across the country, and even from England. I attended workshops on the Male G Spot, Electro Play, Living in Leather, Face Slapping, the fine Art of Giving a Blow Job (i could have taught this class), Activities you can do with Just Your Hands, and the Many Uses of a Bandana. There were many more i wish i could have attended.

There was a raffle, a silent auction, the TPE contest, Keynote speeches, and of course there was dungeon play each night. So basically, something for everyone.

Also, a marketplace was set up so we could purchase new toys, clothing, candles for hot wax play, puppy masks, all manner of Leather, impact play implements, and one table with every kind and size of knife you’d ever want to play with….if you’re into that.

All that activity. All that education. All the people Y/you could meet. All that merchandise to buy. And all that play at night. But the best part was that the registration cost was very reasonable. The most expensive part is the hotel stay for out-of-towners. But, even as a local i may stay there next year rather than run back and forth from home to the venue. i feel like i missed a lot by not staying there with the hundreds of other kinksters attending the conference.

So why don’t Y/you Google “Beyond Leather” and check the site periodically for updates about Beyond Leather 2019.

Hope to see Y/you there next year! Y/you won’t regret it!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

my Sweet Life in Leather

The day after i published my last blog post i left my husband of many years. He went out socializing with friends that evening so i seized the opportunity and hurriedly ran around the house gathering things i thought i would need, or that i wanted in my new apartment.

The sweat was dripping from me by the time i finished loading what i could get into my tiny, two seat car. i said goodbye to my doggies, and misty eyed i surveyed the house one last time drinking in the memories. Then, i drove away.

i drove not away from unhappiness, but toward a life of joy, freedom, friendships, and immense happiness.

my new life had begun.

i get to decide where furniture is placed. i choose the decor i want. i decide where i want pictures hung, and even the color of my sheets and towels.

Something i hadn’t really explored was the actual cost of starting a new home from scratch. I had to buy sheets and pillows and towels, and dishes and silverware. I had to buy food to stock the refrigerator and pantry. And if i wanted light i had to buy lamps…and light bulbs.

i left most of my clothes at the house simply because it was not on my list of things to grab, so i found myself with only 4 tee shirts, two pair of jeans, and two pair of shorts. BUT, i fucking remembered ALL my leather and toys.

Since i’ve been in my new place i have made up markedly for years of no sex. As of this writing i’ve had sex with or played with more men than you can count on both hands. Some people may think or say i am a slut or a sex addict. But, i won’t put a value judgment on Y/your sex life if Y/you don’t judge mine.

My libido is through the roof. And i hope it stays that way.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Who Moved my Cheese?

This is a delightful little, easy to read book by Ken Blanchard & Spencer Johnson about CHANGE.

The premise is change happens. Expect it. Prepare for it. Don’t be shocked, dismayed or try to fight inevitable CHANGE.

This boy’s life in the last two years has experienced immense change. Cancer…stepping slowing into the Leather BDSM community…severe colitis that very nearly killed me…ups and downs of potential hookups and letdowns…coming out as a proud Leather bottom boy and taking the moniker boy stray…having my throat cut open for a spinal fusion…having my first real BDSM full on experience…… and ultimately, my relationship problems at home.

my husband and i have been together many years, probably more out of habit, companionship, and codependency than anything else. But, what glaringly became obvious after my bout of cancer was that i was not happy. i want more out of life. i don’t mean trips, vacations, cruises, money, houses, etc.

What i am talking about is freedom. i feel like a caged animal. I can’t go places, associate with my Leather friends, go out for a drink, hookup or have sex or get a massage or go to the gym, or god forbid, go to Publix without getting the third degree interrogation.

My friends, the whole Leather BDSM community, and i are denigrated because of how W/we look, O/our affinity for Leather, and O/our kinky sexual interests & activities. He would laughingly ask when i would come home if i had gotten fisted or had been beaten and had bruises…like he thought that was the most disgusting things a person could do.

Since December i’ve been plotting my escape, my leave from this life and relationship. Two weeks ago i paid a deposit to hold an apartment. Last week i bought a new bedroom suite and sofa for the living room. Yesterday i signed a 36 page lease on the apartment. i pick up the keys today, do a walk through approval, and it is mine.

my Cheese has been Moved!

i am anxious, but excited.

i am sad i am leaving my 3 dogs.

i am angry it has taken me this long to do something.

i am happy to begin a new life of freedom.

i am scared that i could fail and run back to a familiar, but unhappy, emotionally abusive situation.

Send me Y/your positive energy and support, please.

And with that, my new life begins….

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Plans Gone Awry

my Valentine’s gift to myself this year was to be an encounter, a play session, with a Dom from the Northeast USA. He was coming to my area for a marathon race of some sort. W/we met on recon.com.

W/we wrote and texted for about 5 to 6 weeks planning and anticipating O/our brief time together. W/we exchanged additional photos. And i began to feel trustful…well, as trustful as one can be of an unknown Internet persona.

Anyway, He had assured me He was staying close to the city i live in. However, the Monday before Valentine’s Day He said He was staying in an Air B&B house in a city that was a 45 minute drive away from my home. To say i was disappointed is an understatement. Actually i was pissed.

Because of my current relationship status, and the state of my relationship i do not have hours on end to dedicate to BDSM play. It would be one and a half hours just in travel time. And, He wanted a long, possibly overnight encounter, which i could not possibly do.

i suppose my anger and frustration turned inward because i began to feel ill….like i was coming down with a cold. Coughing. Chills. Body aches. Headache. But, i was still planning to go. We’d arranged for the day after Valentine’s Day for my submission to impact play.

On Valentine’s Day i decided not to go. Mostly, it was the drive. And a bit of trepidation about not really being able to adequately vet an out-of-towner. And a tad of generalized body aches and stiffness making me feel and walk like i was 100 years old.

So, unfortunately i missed Sir using His belt and His computer cord (improvisation since He is travelling) to inflict a mutually satisfying, yet heavy play session.

Am i a scaredy cat? Am i too cautious? Have i watched too many episodes of Criminal Minds? Or should i continue to be careful and try to fully vet a new Dom play partner? Should distance NOT be a factor in considering a play session?

What do Y/you think?

It seems i mostly write about an unsuccessful, unfulfilling BDSM Leather life, but really i think it is an accurate reflection of what most people in the lifestyle go through. i don’t mean to be maudlin or discouraging, but rather to impress upon newbie subs that daily encounters with a vast array of Daddies & Doms is not likely to be the norm.

There is no reason to give up. Do as i do. Get out there. Go to events, dinners, play parties, classes, munches, join organizations, go to Leather bars and other venues. The more you get out there and meet people, and they get to know you, the more likely you are to find play partners, and develop a fulfilling Leather BDSM life.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Ten Things a Dom Expects a sub to know without being told

(This Blog Post is being reposted from The Gay Boy Bible on Tumblr)

“i reblogged a wonderful piece a few days ago, “ten things a sub expects a dom to know without being told.” A really good piece, strong and thought provoking.But as is so often the case here on Tumblr, the emphasis is the same as it is in a porn flick: “It’s all about the girl.” So I decided that this called for a counterpoint to balance the dialectical scales and possibly even spur some discussion. Those who have read the piece I reblogged will recognize some of these 10 items as being more or less identical to the items in that piece. This is by design, and is intended to emphasize that so much of the glue that holds a D/s relationship together is reciprocal.

And so without further ado …

“ten things a dom expects a sub to know without being told”

1. He needs to be the priority. Your Dominant cannot be put in the corner and trotted out when you need him. Make him your priority even during those

times when you think you DON’T need him. Because the truth of it is, even during those times, you secretly do need him, you just aren’t consciously

aware of it.

2. He has emotions and needs them acknowledged. The internet (and Tumblr is especially egregious in this regard) has created the toxic stereotype of

the Dominant as this calm, cold, unemotional Olympian figure who is always as in charge of himself as he is of his submissive. Many a submissive has

run screaming into the night at the sight of her Dominant having a moment of weakness, or self-doubt, or — The Horror! — shedding a tear. Accept that

your Dominant is human, and respect the effort he exerts to be strong and confident for you 99% of the time.

3. Know him better than others. If your Dominant is having emotional difficulties, or even something as “insignificant” as a bad day at the office, you damn well better know it before his friends do.

4. Let him control things (including you). That is his responsibility. Yours is to obey.

5. Abide by the rules. Your Dominant constructs various rules, tasks, rituals, etc, for a purpose. That purpose may not always be obvious to you. It doesn’t have to be. Trust that he knows what he’s doing, and accept the fact that submitting to his rules on a daily basis is just plain hard work. If you’re not willing to put in the work, then you should do some soul-searching and evaluate how deep (or even genuine) your submission really is.

6. Remember that he is yours. This is always reciprocal. Just as he expects your total devotion and commitment and fidelity, you have the right to expect those things from him. To be clear, this is not the same as taking your Dominant for granted. Just as he has to earn those things from you every day, so you also have to earn them from him every day.

7. Appreciate the work he puts into you, and let him KNOW that you appreciate it. Being a dominant (especially in a day-to-day rather than sporadic relationship) is damned hard work. Let him know how much it means to you that he considers you worthy of all that work and direction and energy.

8. Be mindful of your respective positions in the D/s relationship. He is your Dominant. Can you be affectionately playful and impish? Yes; any Dominant who doesn’t relish such from his submissive on occasion has some significant self-confidence issues. Sarcastic or willfully bratty? Not a good idea. Not a good idea AT ALL.

9. Give the same respect you get. If he shows you that, despite the way your relationship might look to the vanillas, he holds you in the highest respect, then return that respect. If you come to the conclusion that he does NOT hold you in the highest respect, you might want to evaluate your relationship and possibly move on.

10. Above all else: he expects your submission to be whole and complete and without reservation, save for those things that the two of you negotiate as equals BEFORE you offer him your submission. Once you submit, he has full right and claim to ALL of you. You don’t get to cherry pick your submission. You don’t get to submit in just those areas where it’s convenient. You don’t get to submit just when you’re in the mood. There are no half-measures with your submission. If you can’t honestly say to yourself that you are all-in, then accept the fact that this means you’re not in AT ALL, and decide what to do about it.”