A Kinky boy in a Vanilla World

i just got home from an evening out on the town to celebrate my husband’s birthday.  i dressed in nice vanilla drag…i mean dress casual with my new black jeans on.  Of course i wanted to fit in with our friends who dress gay casual…jeans, tee shirt, and sneakers.  But i had to honor my kinky side by wearing my wide black leather belt and a jock strap.  Instead of my combat boots i wore black leather dress shoes.  

First we went to dinner at a very expensive restaurant where the food was fantastic.  Then, we went bar hopping to 3 different gay establishments.  One was what we in the gay community have always called an S & M bar….meaning stand and model.  Everyone looked basically the same.  Jeans, sneakers and tee shirt, muscles and little to no body hair.  But there were a few guys dressed up in their best gay GQ getups looking all out of place with their brightly colored eyeglass frames, blazer jackets, dress shorts or slacks, and of course a fedora cocked on their heads.  These GQ guys looked as out of place as I felt in this club.  

Next, we walked down the street a bit and went into a piano bar.  It was subdued and gaudy with everything being stark white, even the piano, except lots of faux silver candelabras on every flat surface in the bar, and some even hung on the walls.   Each candle had that fluttering flame shaped piece of material with the orange light that kinda makes it look like a real lit candle.  This place was t-a-c-k-y!  It was filled with “older” gentlemen in their fine preppy clothes.  The pianist was a campy gay guy who was extremely enthusiastic as he sang, but had a little glint of crazy about him.  We just stood there for a couple tribute songs to singer George Michael. We didn’t even get a drink.  Then we scurried down the street (it was a frigid 58 degrees in South Florida) to another bar.

This was a dance bar.  Two levels and two separate rooms – one a bar where you could actually hear the people talking and the other a bar with a dance floor filled with big hairy men, little hairy men, and some men in leather.  All ages were represented .  I think there was an octogenarian with his shirt off, leather harness on, tight blue jeans and wildly dancing, like he was 30 years old again.  He was having a fantastic time.

 It must have been Bear night, or even Leather or fetish night.  The Bears, Leathermen and leatherboys in their harnesses, boots, vests and tight jeans were so hot.  We stayed quite a while; i couldn’t get my eyes filled enough with the images i am so comfortable with and attracted to.  Hot sweaty masculine men packed the dance floor.  Gyrating, men cruising other men, and smiling, and singing along with the music videos…having the best time ever.   

It’s great to be alive!

i could smell that familiar musky, sweaty, cigar smoke covered manhood before me.  i just wanted some big burly hairy Dom to carry me out to his F-150 and drive me to his dungeon.  

i did not want to leave this bar!  Really i wanted the three people i was with to leave and let me stay to drink in the images and smells of hyper-masculinity. Ah, fantasies keep me hopeful that one day  it all will become a reality.

How do i cope with living in a vanilla world?

Great question!  i seem to have two separate identities conjoined at the heart with no one on either side knowing the real totality of me…the true person i am in my heart.  i live two lives.  There is my Leatherboy, BDSM/Kink personality that likes Leather bars, dungeons, playrooms, XXX movies, Pro Doms, erotic massages, sex in risky places and the pain/pleasure that comes with it all.  i do all that as covertly as possible.  However, i have stopped hiding my bags of kinky toys at home.  

Then, there is the vanilla personality. he stays home doing the dishes, straightening up the house, caring for the animals, paying bills and attending religious services every week albeit in a gay church.  he wears clothes to fit in to the mainstream gay community.  he sits home most nights watching television.  But, he secretly checks hookup apps that cater to his kind of men and his preferred activities, writing my Blog on his IPad, or even texting Pro Doms and potential sex partners.  Sex, BDSM and kink ever present in his mind.

That’s my story for today.  These are my/his struggles daily.  Still searching for the answer to be revealed about how i can blend my personality with His to become one authentic person living proudly as a leatherboy.

I’d love to hear how you cope with the dichotomy.
Thanks for reading,

boy stray

me, me, me….or how can i serve You?

I read a lot of profiles online of Men/boys seeking BDSM connections. Most of the profiles are submitted by submissives and in my opinion are usually asking a Master/Dom to use them, abuse them, & tie them up, or they are seeking a “rape ” scene which is often a gang rape fantasy.

Sometimes i even fall into that mindset of just wanting a big burly Dom to use and abuse me as well.  But it hasn’t happened yet.  my online profile was previously all about what the Dom could do to meet my sexual needs and to play out my BDSM fantasies and desires.  Luckily i’ve known a Dom for about two years who i asked to read my profile.  He provided truthful and constructive criticism, and gave me suggestions on making improvements to the profile to show that i am a service oriented submissive, who seeks to provide services outside of the dungeon, as well as working to meet HIS needs…not mine!  Also i was told to share information about who i am outside of the Leather community

i thought long and hard about my skills, experiences, work history and all other aspects of my life that might benefit a Dom.  i rewrote my profile to include a little about me as a person and then i detailed what this submissive could offer a Dom.  Since i loathe housekeeping that was not an offered service.  But i was able to include organizing His home or office, caring for His leather, cleaning and putting His toys back where they belong.  And, i offered to run errands for Him.  The opportunity to provide other services was left open for discussion.

When a submissive tells a Dominant what he wants or needs or expects to happen is in the relationship or a one time BDSM play scene is in effect Topping from the bottom.  This has become so prevalent that it has become a real problem.  It is discussed in meetings, online, in books, and in magazine articles.  There are many submissive wannabes out there  thinking, they, as a bottom want all these kinky things done to them.  So, when they find themselves in a play situation they begin telling the Dominant what to do and how to do it….”flog me, beat me, bite me, fuck me, spank me…fuck me!”

Some subs coming out now may think that is the way it is…that a bottom or true submissive is supposed to tell the Dom in a scene what he wants.  Doms often comply.  They may not know how or want to exert Their power and Dominance in the relationship or in just a one time scene with some random sub They met online.

THIS IS THE REASON i Am a staunch advocate for developing MENTORSHIPS in the BDSM Community.

W/we need to welcome and nurture new Men/boys into the BDSM Leather community.  T/they need, and most likely want to be guided, supported, educated and brought into the Leather community to become fully integrated as an experienced, educated, and competent Dom or sub.

In a mentoring program, the M/mentor should:

  1. Share T/their personal journey & history
  2. Provide information about the history of BDSM and Leather community
  3. Teach about Old Guard Leather and how it is changing
  4. Teach about an appropriate “mindset” for the role in which T/they see T/themselves
  5. Discuss and assist in learning about & purchasing those items such as Leather boots, belts, pants, vest and anything else T/they will need to overtly exhibit T/their Dominance or submissiveness
  6. Discuss the concept of earning your Leather and what every item signifies as they prepare for T/their life in Leather
  7. Require the mentee to read appropriate books and articles & to give a report to the mentor on each one
  8. Require the mentee to keep a daily journal of thoughts, experiences and questions that will be reviewed by the mentor
  9. Network the community with the mentee introducing H/him to a variety of other people
  10. Assist T/them in examining T/their desires
  11. Help T/them to learn how to find, approach, and negotiate a hot scene with someone
  12. Provide checklists of activities that are to be discussed with a play partner prior to a session beginning
  13. Determine the frequency of face to face meetings based on the knowledge and experience of the M/mentee
  14. Discuss the boy’s Bill of Rights & provide a copy
  15. Discuss Leather Protocols
  16. Assist with developing or editing an online profile

This sounds like a lot of time and energy is invested in the mentoring of another person.  And it probably is, but wouldn’t Y/you have wanted the kind of guidance and education that you as an experienced Dom or sub can now share with a fledgling Dom or sub trying to find T/their way?

Come on Men/boys you can do this!  Y/you should do this!

Develop a Leather BDSM, Kink & Fetish mentoring program in Y/your communities!
Doms…subs…L/leaders of Leather communities, THIS IS A CHALLENGE TO YOU ALL.

One last thing.  i started a Meetup on Meetup .com for Men/boys who want another opportunity to meet and socialize.  Also through the Meetup i hope to develop a mentoring program here in Fort Lauderdale. Contact me if you want more information. 

Let me hear from you.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Back in the Day (First Steps)

Way back when….San Francisco, 1980…I took my first steps in trying to come out as a leather, BDSM, submissive boy.  I had my tight fitting Levi 501 button fly jeans, tee shirts, black leather combat boots, and my wide black leather belt.  The buckle, which I still have, has the emblem for the old Southern Pacific Railroad.  I “dressed up” and headed out to a bar that I think was called The Balcony in the famous Castro area.  The bar had lots of Leathermen with the musky smell of sweat, cigarette smoke, and booze.  Quite a heady mixture.  The music was thumping in the background and the hot men were gyrating to the beat of the hit music of 1980.

At the time I think it was more of a draw toward the Leather, the attitude, and the hyper masculinity of the men, and not the desire for, experience with, or knowledge of BDSM/Kinky sex.  I was exceedingly shy, and therefore didn’t assert myself enough to hookup and experience the excitement of sex with a real Dominant.

Fast forward a few decades after settling into a vanilla, but quite happy and satisfying long term relationship in a fairly large Midwest city.  My BDSM/kink interest was still burning inside me.  I was drawn to the appearance of very masculine men at our local bar, and to pictures of Leathermen and Bears in magazines.  This WAS pre-Internet!  I hooked up with a hot guy once, well maybe twice…who was a Spanker.  It was an exciting and illuminating night giving me hints of the kinky bottom boy I actually was.

Now I live in South Florida and as an older gay man who survived the AIDS pandemic, I have reached that point in my life where I am NOT having a midlife crisis, but rather what I call “a late midlife reawakening.”  I want it all.  I want to keep my husband and my friends and acquaintances here.  But I also want, maybe need, to embrace my true nature, desires, and the community of Leathermen and boys here in my city in Paradise.

I’ve been sneaking, and covertly insinuating myself into the community.  I’ve been attending classes at the big local Leather and fetish emporium learning about flogging, sounds, catheters, watersports, hot wax, percussion play, and most recently how to be a better, prouder, and more knowledgeable submissive.

Next time: Clubs, Friends, Bars, and getting some actual hands-cuffed experience…