30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive – Day 28

Has your submission ever let you down? 
Yes it has.  submissives are a dime a dozen.  Most of the posts on FetLife and Recon.com are from submissives.  In that way my submission lets me down.  It would be so much easier to hookup, find a long term partner or have play sessions if only i was a Dom.  But, it is not my nature.  So, i continue to wait, update my profile and pictures, and try to integrate more into the Leather BDSM community.



Have you ever been criticized for your submission? 
The only real criticism i have received is the one i told Y/you about before.  It was the story of the guy on the hookup site bullying me because i choose to call myself a “boy”.  i retaliated and then blocked him.  Probably should have just let it go, but i didn’t.


Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? 
i have no regrets for being a bottom or submissive.  i have had great sex and some interesting events related to my being submissive.  Just a quick anecdote: we hosted a couple of gay Puerto Rican soccer players in town for a tournament. They spoke little to no English and i spoke no Spanish, but after my partner went to work the next morning one of the men came to my bedroom, got in the bed nude and proceeded to fuck the daylights out of me.  He was good looking and hung, uncut.  He sensed or somehow knew that i was a submissive bottom boy and would gladly allow him to do as he pleased.


Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?
Oh, certainly.  i have made plenty of mistakes over the course of my life.  And continue to.  Each mistake or lapse in judgment was an opportunity to learn and grow…and hopefully to not make the same or even similar mistakes.  Several of those mistakes i have posted about over these past few months.  If Y/you are interested in learning from my poor choices, Y/you can read back through my earlier posts.

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive 

Day 25: Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

i wrote before that one of the things i do – not sure i would call it a ritual –  is to always stand in a military “at ease” position with hands behind my back and head slightly bowed with eyes averted from any Dom who may be present.  Also, most of the time i wear a leather band on my right wrist as a sign to others and as a reminder to me that i am a leather submissive.

 i have no other rituals or objects used to express my submission.  It would be wonderful to be gifted an item from a Dom that is meant as a visible sign of my submissiveness. 



Day 26: What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

Qualities i seek in a Dominant are knowledge and experience in BDSM, a playful nature yet strict in His enforcement of protocol, duties, and the behavior of His sub, yet not aggressive or just plain ole mean under pressure or stress.

Deal breakers would be refusal to negotiate limits and preferences, and in writing a contract; a lack of interest or concern regarding training or for the nurturing of the sub; and having a tendency to being mean under pressure and taking out stress and frustration on the submissive. 



Day 27: Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

At this time, a “real” session, scene or play session have only been a fantasy.  i have had isolated activities and experiences, and even paid a Pro Dom to work out some fantasies, but i have never been approached by a Dom who follows through and has a real time play session from start to finish with me. 

The only thing that really confuses me or frightens me is the lack of opportunities for real time play.  i have not been able to make myself the kind of sub that is attractive to a Dom to even have Him approach me for play.  i fear i may never experience a full, real BDSM session.


Thanks for reading,

boy stray

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive 

Day 23: Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

Sometimes, especially when in the company of non Leather folks, i get twinges of sub shame and embarrassment.  At times, not too often, but occasionally i feel judged or pigeonholed as a leather sub who is passive, used, abused, and having no choice or say in what “happens” to me in a BDSM dynamic.  i don’t feel like going into educator mode explaining about roles, choices, contracts, negotiations, limits, safe words, and just admitting that the things that are “done” to me are done with my permission because all BDSM activities are between consenting adults.

As far as being resistant to an aspect of being a submissive i feel a bit of ambivalence regarding subs into piss and scat.  i described my foray into play parties last week, but the one thing i don’t think i mentioned was the piss boy who was stationed in the restroom.  he stayed in there the whole night and was given a donation of $5 by each person who wanted to piss on him or have him “drink from the tap.”  i really had to piss bad by the time i left the party, but I would not #1 pay $5 to pee, and #2 pee on someone who spent the whole night serving as a toilet.  i like the idea of 1:1 piss play but not in a situation like that.  Part of me felt sad for him, but i have to remember and remind myself from time to time that his kink is not my kink, but his kink is ok! 

Day 24: What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

i think I am a happy, joyful submissive.  i am a long term service oriented caregiving professional having worked in healthcare for many years.  In ways that profession is one of submissiveness. Wanting to do for and care for others!   A service oriented submissive.  To put myself second – behind the person who is most important – whether that person is a Dom, or a patient.  To take care of someone well is a source of pride, satisfaction, and joy for me.  It instills a deeper sense of self worth and self esteem.

Come Out, come out, Wherever Y/you Are!

Happy Gay Pride, Fort Lauderdale.

Today was Gay Pride here in the city by the sea.  And a beautiful day it was.  Sunny, warm, a nice breeze and just an estimated 40,000 people celebrating on the beach together.  Perfect day.  Tons of hot men…and women, if you swing that way.

But ya know what?  i was perhaps the only one wearing a leather oriented tee shirt.  Plus i wore a leather wrist band, right side, of course.

Where, oh where, have all the Leathermen gone?  You weren’t out in numbers.  You weren’t out as small cohesive clusters as United Leathermen.  Oh, i saw a few guys in harnesses.  Were they “into” leather, or was it simply a fashion accessory to go with their Speedo swimsuits and big bulges?

There were big, burley, hairy dudes, average hairless dudes, and many twinks twerking.  Lots of ink on hot bodies.  But, several bars actually ran out of liquor mid afternoon.  Now, that’s got to be a first.  How’s a gay person supposed to party with NO booze?  Well, there was that continual wafting of smoke from joints to keep the buzz going.

We danced and danced amid a huge crowd on the dance floor erected on the sand.  All manner of humanity, together, moving to the music.

One performer was Ty Herndon, a country star from years ago.  He had a public fall from grace, but picked himself up, pulled his jeans up, put on his “cowboy” boots and came out as a “proud, gay man!”  Handsome and masculine.  Great voice.  He was so close i could have licked the sand off his boots.  But, i maintained my composure (and avoided a stalking charge) by just lusting from afar, and taking a hell of a lot of photos.

But, back to my Leather comrades…where the hell were you?  Didn’t want to get sand in Y/your boots?

Ok, so maybe Y/you were there, but not in leather.  It was a hot day.  But why no tee shirts saying, “Top” “bottom” “Daddy” “boy” “Sir” “Bear” “cub” “Ramrod” (oh, that’s right, i wore that shirt), “Leatherwerks “?

i felt so Leather lonely today.  

But, there’s always Stonewall Pride held in June in the east coast gay Mecca of Wilton Manors.  There will be a parade with a marching contingent from the Gay Leather community.  An abundance of harnesses, arm bands, Leather vests and belts and boots. Waves of Leather Pride flags bellowing in the wind.  Lots of hot sweaty skin showing.  501 jeans, shorts and some kilts.  Makes me swoon just visualizing that scene…

The thousands of people lining Wilton Drive will scream and cheer in solidarity with the Leathermen and leatherboys as they march by.  Then, many spectators will whisper, “I don’t get that whole thing…”  But why is it imperative that they get it, or understand us?  They should just accept us for who W/we are and what W/we do, and love U/us for O/our uniqueness.  i don’t understand Transgender men and women, but i see their beauty, their uniqueness, and i identify with their struggle for acceptance for who they are.  i struggle for acceptance of my leather identity even within the walls of my own home.

Be Proud!  Be Out!  Be Seen in Y/your Leather.  Raise Awareness, and Celebrate!

See Y/you in June 2017 – Wilton Manors, Florida?  I’ll be there. Will Y/you?
Thank Y/you for reading,

boy stray

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive – Day 22

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

Yes i believe a submissive can feel submissive even without a Dominant partner.  i always feel and try to portray my submissive nature.  It may be in some small ways, but it is ever present in my mind and actions.  Now that does not mean i am run over by people, taken advantage of, disrespected, or that i am not assertive in some situations.  

i mentioned before that i wear a leather bracelet on my right wrist as a sign that i am a leather oriented bottom boy.  i might have a key clip or have a hunter green bandana in my right back jeans pocket and wearing a Leather themed T shirt to denote my interest and position.   Being a sub means showing respect so i always say “please” “thank you” and i say “Sir” a lot even to younger men.  i now say “may i…” rather than “can i…” because i feel it expresses verbally my submission.    Also, i said in a post just the other day that i stand in a submissive way nearly all the time.  It is a constant reminder of submission.

Other ways of expressing my submission is by writing this blog.  There are so many ideas, thoughts, experiences, questions, doubts, and desires in me that need an outlet and this is a way of expressing my submission through words.  Another example is that a small group of us from the boy’s Leather club meet for coffee every week or two.  we talk openly in the coffee shop about the club, upcoming events, play parties, relationship issues, and about how BDSM and Leather influence our lives, thoughts and actions.

So, yes, i live my life of submission without having a Dominant partner.

Let me hear your thoughts on this as well.  Write me in the comments section to share your opinions.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

40 Red Flags

Master M Matt posted on Facebook in BDSM Info.

Reposted with permission.
 

The following are warnings that a potential Dom may not be all that you think they are. 

Please be careful if the potential Dom: 

1) Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community. 

2) Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions. 
3) Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to. 

4) Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them. 

5) Is inconsistent with details about themselves. 
6) Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time. 

7) Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times. 

8) Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it. 

9) Consistently breaks promises. 

10) Always finds excuses for not meeting real time. 
11) Always puts blame on others for things going wrong. 

12) Does not take personal responsibility. 

13) Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members. 

14) Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do. 

15) Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts. 
16) Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast. 

17) Swears undying love before even meeting you. 

18) Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned. 

19) Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a “True” sub. 

20) Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame. 
21) Puts you down in front of other people. 

22) Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat. 

23) Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next. 

24) Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone. 

25) Lies or withholds information. Cheats on you or is overly jealous. 
26) Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like. 

27) Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship. 

28) Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. 

29) Belittles your ideas. 

30) Blames you for your hurt feelings. 
31) Abuses alcohol or other drugs. 

32) Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others. 

33) Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm. 

34) Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt. 

35) Wants control of your money or finances and you are not living together. 
36) ONLY interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing. 

37) Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations. 

38) Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role. 

39) Has multiple online identities for interacting within the same communities. 

40) Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
Hope this helps to keep you safe.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

   

 

Erotic Energy

This weekend i had a fantastical, spiritual, and energizing erotic experience.  

There is an organization that conducts workshops of all kinds that bring together men to connect, bond, nurture and support each other through getting in touch their erotic energy by experiencing the sacred touch of other men…not in an effort to be sexual and reach ejaculation, but rather to reach new heights with erotic touch without ejaculating.

After bonding on the first day, clothes were shed in groups of four in a slow nurturing ritual.  Each man was blindfolded when it was his turn to have the others remove his clothes.  It was done slowly with supportive intention where each man was accepted into a brotherhood where all are equal and not judged by age, race, body type, or by the size of their cock.  

Rhythmic breathing, dance, playfulness, and sharing our souls prepares us for the next step of our journey together.

We learned different ways of approaching and stimulating a cock. Our own and another man’s.  Each of us was the recipient of the sacred touch through massaging the entire body with intense concentration on the cock.  Then, i was honored to be invited into the sacred journey of other men by giving erotic touch to them.  It seemed spiritual, and a form of worshipping the male body, especially the phallus.  

There were cut dicks, uncut dicks, smaller & larger sized cocks.  Some got hard…really, really hard!  And others did not.  There were moans and groans of ecstasy; there was laughter; joyful noises, and yes, some tears and sobs due to the extremely emotional reconnection each man had with his erotic being.  

We learned new ways of self pleasuring, getting away from the rapid fist pump up and down to reach orgasm and cum as quickly as possible.  This was a Zen approach to masturbation.  Enjoying the ride without rushing to the destination.  

It was a powerful, transformative, sacred experience.

At the closing ceremony we were told of other workshop offerings.  i was extremely intrigued by one workshop in particular.  It is similar to this one, but incorporates BDSM dynamics including spanking, flogging and other impact play with massage worked into the weekend experience.  It is scheduled in another city at the end of April.  But, i already requested more information and raised the topic with my husband of me going to a “retreat” that is a continuation of this “mind, body, health and spiritual” weekend i just had.

i never offered that we were all naked nearly the entire weekend, or that we received AND gave sacred erotic touch.  It was my experience to have and to keep in my heart sharing it only with those i choose…and that is Y/you my wonderful readers!
Thank Y/you for going on this sacred journey with me.  And,
Thank Y/you for reading,

boy stray

24/7 or Just for Play

Initially i wanted a full time, 24/7 Dom/sub relationship.  i wanted to “live” the Lifestyle.  Still do!  But kinda giving up on that…seems like it’s just a pipe dream at this point.  my former Mentor asked me a couple times if i was interested in living it or just in it for the play.  i enthusiastically said live it.  But, now i guess i would have to say play.

In the couples years i have been working at it, i haven’t even played, let alone developed a Lifestyle or relationship.  But as an homage to my affinity for Leather i wear a leather strap around my wrist and always wear my wide leather belt no matter what else i may be wearing or where i am going.

How do Y/you all make it look so easy and natural?  What is the best part of living the Lifestyle?  How am I gonna get me some of that Lifestyle??

i ask that tongue in cheek.

i know how, and i am working on it.  It’s just harder and taking longer than i expected.

Tonight i reached out to an established, well known and well liked member of the gay Leather BDSM community.  i asked if He would consider having coffee with me.  Not to hookup or play.  i am definitely not his type of boy.  And He already has His boy.  my goal would be just to get to know him better and have him get to know me.  That way perhaps He could become a friend and support for me.  Also i thought maybe He would feel comfortable sponsoring me or recommending someone who could sponsor me for the local club for Sirs and boys.  

The club had a play and demo weekend at a gay campground last weekend. i had hoped to go but couldn’t.  There is another in April, and i have decided i am going!  It has become goal and “bucket list” item for me.  Recently i was asked what was on my bucket list.  i said nothing because i believed i had been everywhere i wanted to go and seen everything i had wanted to see.  But, now i decided to rethink that.  Some things on my list involve BDSM, LEATHER, PLAY, and others are trips, cruises, events, as well as beginning yoga classes and getting & giving tantric massages.  

Another goal for 2017 is the start of a part time play relationship.  Any other ideas for what i can add to my bucket list?

Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive 

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission?
Yes, very much.


How do you define service?
Service is doing those mundane menial chores that Sir needs to have done to free His mind and time from thinking about His to do list and actually taking His time to run those errands.  Service means anticipation of Sir’s needs to performing those tasks before He even has to think about them.

Service duties are, or should be, a part of the negotiations prior to entering into a D/s relationship.  This is the time to verbalized your limits in terms of being a service oriented submissive.  As i mentioned in an earlier post, i abhor housekeeping.  i don’t like mopping, vacuuming, or dusting hundreds of little tchotchkes.  i would negotiate for a cleaning service twice monthly to do the hard work and deep cleaning.

What does it mean to you?
Service means overtly showing your respect for your Dom by knowing what He routinely does or needs and taking care of it for Him.  To me it is the essence of being a submissive. 

If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

N/A

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive  – Day 10

Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships?

This is a really difficult question to respond to.  First, i am not in a submissive “relationship” at this but if this question uses that term to include friends, Doms in the community, and acquaintances then i can say yes.  my interaction with any Dom is one of submissiveness.  However, there have been only a few actual BDSM play sessions. In those instances where i have been with a Dom, yes BDSM was always a major part of the interaction.  

i always treat Doms and Masters with the utmost respect.
How do you feel about BDSM?

As that jingle goes, “i like it, i love it, i want some more of it.”
Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

i would say now it is peripheral.  It is on the sidelines waiting for those golden opportunities to actually play with a Dom.  In the meantime, i read, study, write my Blog posts, and associate with other subs in the hope that i will get more opportunities to play as i become more of a familiar face in the gay, Leather, BDSM, Kink community.