30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive – Day 22

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

Yes i believe a submissive can feel submissive even without a Dominant partner.  i always feel and try to portray my submissive nature.  It may be in some small ways, but it is ever present in my mind and actions.  Now that does not mean i am run over by people, taken advantage of, disrespected, or that i am not assertive in some situations.  

i mentioned before that i wear a leather bracelet on my right wrist as a sign that i am a leather oriented bottom boy.  i might have a key clip or have a hunter green bandana in my right back jeans pocket and wearing a Leather themed T shirt to denote my interest and position.   Being a sub means showing respect so i always say “please” “thank you” and i say “Sir” a lot even to younger men.  i now say “may i…” rather than “can i…” because i feel it expresses verbally my submission.    Also, i said in a post just the other day that i stand in a submissive way nearly all the time.  It is a constant reminder of submission.

Other ways of expressing my submission is by writing this blog.  There are so many ideas, thoughts, experiences, questions, doubts, and desires in me that need an outlet and this is a way of expressing my submission through words.  Another example is that a small group of us from the boy’s Leather club meet for coffee every week or two.  we talk openly in the coffee shop about the club, upcoming events, play parties, relationship issues, and about how BDSM and Leather influence our lives, thoughts and actions.

So, yes, i live my life of submission without having a Dominant partner.

Let me hear your thoughts on this as well.  Write me in the comments section to share your opinions.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

30 Days to Define Your Kink as a submissive  – Day 19

How socially connected is your submission?

my submission has become socially connected in several ways and is continually increasing.

Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? 

Yes, i actively seek out other subs to interact with and learn from.  i get and give support.  Last Saturday i even asked a Dom online if He would meet me for coffee so we can get to know each other and He may feel comfortable enough to sponsor me for the other BDSM Leather club. 

Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

Yes, i happen to be on a handful of Facebook groups for BDSM & Kink oriented people.  They are very active groups as i get many emails daily. 

Also, i will be attending my first Dungeon Party soon and hope to learn, connect with others and perhaps play.

i believe i am rapidly growing into my role as a submissive. 

Question 20 is up next.  The 30 days will soon be done.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

24/7 or Just for Play

Initially i wanted a full time, 24/7 Dom/sub relationship.  i wanted to “live” the Lifestyle.  Still do!  But kinda giving up on that…seems like it’s just a pipe dream at this point.  my former Mentor asked me a couple times if i was interested in living it or just in it for the play.  i enthusiastically said live it.  But, now i guess i would have to say play.

In the couples years i have been working at it, i haven’t even played, let alone developed a Lifestyle or relationship.  But as an homage to my affinity for Leather i wear a leather strap around my wrist and always wear my wide leather belt no matter what else i may be wearing or where i am going.

How do Y/you all make it look so easy and natural?  What is the best part of living the Lifestyle?  How am I gonna get me some of that Lifestyle??

i ask that tongue in cheek.

i know how, and i am working on it.  It’s just harder and taking longer than i expected.

Tonight i reached out to an established, well known and well liked member of the gay Leather BDSM community.  i asked if He would consider having coffee with me.  Not to hookup or play.  i am definitely not his type of boy.  And He already has His boy.  my goal would be just to get to know him better and have him get to know me.  That way perhaps He could become a friend and support for me.  Also i thought maybe He would feel comfortable sponsoring me or recommending someone who could sponsor me for the local club for Sirs and boys.  

The club had a play and demo weekend at a gay campground last weekend. i had hoped to go but couldn’t.  There is another in April, and i have decided i am going!  It has become goal and “bucket list” item for me.  Recently i was asked what was on my bucket list.  i said nothing because i believed i had been everywhere i wanted to go and seen everything i had wanted to see.  But, now i decided to rethink that.  Some things on my list involve BDSM, LEATHER, PLAY, and others are trips, cruises, events, as well as beginning yoga classes and getting & giving tantric massages.  

Another goal for 2017 is the start of a part time play relationship.  Any other ideas for what i can add to my bucket list?

Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive 

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission?
Yes, very much.


How do you define service?
Service is doing those mundane menial chores that Sir needs to have done to free His mind and time from thinking about His to do list and actually taking His time to run those errands.  Service means anticipation of Sir’s needs to performing those tasks before He even has to think about them.

Service duties are, or should be, a part of the negotiations prior to entering into a D/s relationship.  This is the time to verbalized your limits in terms of being a service oriented submissive.  As i mentioned in an earlier post, i abhor housekeeping.  i don’t like mopping, vacuuming, or dusting hundreds of little tchotchkes.  i would negotiate for a cleaning service twice monthly to do the hard work and deep cleaning.

What does it mean to you?
Service means overtly showing your respect for your Dom by knowing what He routinely does or needs and taking care of it for Him.  To me it is the essence of being a submissive. 

If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

N/A

Gray Hair? boy?? WTF?

Tuesday night i was perusing the gay BDSM Kink hookup site when i noticed there was a new email in my box.  i opened the email and was shocked at what i read.

“Boy????  At 61 yrs of age and gray hair???  Boy?  WTF?”

Initially i felt hurt, attacked, put down, humiliated!

i have to admit to an initial discomfort being considered a boy by many Doms and subs in the gay Leather BDSM Community.  i couldn’t quite reconcile my age and mature appearance with being a boy.  

Now i thoroughly enjoy and relate to the role of a boy even with gray hair, and being beyond a certain age.

You see, in my mind being a leather boy is a mindset, an identity, a role assumed in the BDSM Leather community by a submissive male.  It has nothing to do with age or appearance.   It has everything to do with how one sees and expresses himself in the context of a BDSM relationship.  A BDSM boy is similar to a young child in some ways.  A boy wants guidance and direction, and occasionally needs discipline, and a leatherboy seeks a relationship with a male who will fulfill that role for him.  A boy wants to be good and to do as he is told.  he wants to be nurtured, cared for, and loved.

Those are all the things i seek as a leatherboy/submissive. 

This guy’s online attack was just a judgmental,  hateful attempt to undermine my self esteem, and likely an effort to make me reconsider whether i belong on that site.  

he lost on both counts!

The funny thing was that all through his profile he kept referring to himself as a pig. Now i wonder if everyone sees the irony of that because it apparently was outside his realm of awareness.  To him it was unfathomable that i consider myself a boy, but he whole heartedly identified with being a pig.  

So does he sleep in a pig pin, eat slop and lie for hours in the mud and filth all around him.  Doubt it.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

New Year, new me?

As i wrote before last year was the beginning of my transition, or transformation into a more authentic me.  my coming out as a Leather BDSM submissive began in earnest around July 2016.  When i began to exit that final closet i reached out and made connections, met some people, started attending Leather BDSM functions and made friends…good friends.  But, as i bought my leather gear and toys, and updated my recon.com ad, i was faced with a final incongruity.  i realized that my age, physical ability and body do not match the Leather boy vision i hold in my mind’s eye.  i see me in my mind as younger, healthier, more agile, and having a nice body.  Every once in a while i catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or window reflection and i am snapped back to my reality.  But, i know that as time keeps rolling along and if i stay on the current trajectory i would probably end up an old obese man unable to walk much at all, and likely reliant on others for my care.  What kind of Leather sub would that be?

i am in physical therapy again for the fourth time.  This time i have a weak painful left ankle and balance problems.  i have been going just a couple weeks so far.  But, one thing i am told over and over by doctors and therapists is “you need to join a gym.”  i finally heard and internalized that suggestion.  i waited until New Years resolution gym ads started appearing in the mail, I toured two facilities and actually joined one yesterday.  Today my physical assessment was done, my measurements, weight, and body fat analysis was done, and most humiliating was having the front and side view pictures taken.  

For years i have lived with HIV and a metabolic condition called Lipodystrophy.  It leeches out the subcutaneous fat from the arms, legs, butt and face redistributing it to the abdomen, chest and back.  If you can envision a baking potato with tooth picks for arms and legs you can get a general idea, albeit more, much more pronounced than in reality.  Viewing my image frontally in a mirror i look normal.  Turned to the side i look nine months pregnant.  How i think i look is not true to reality.  i absolutely hate seeing myself in mirrors.  And you know, gyms have freaking mirrors everywhere.

So, i am an official member of a nice gym.  i have lots of work to do.  i must remain realistic.  i am not going to build up so much that i will resemble Arnold Schwarzenegger. That is NOT my goal.  my goal is to lose abdominal fat, add strength and definition to my chest, arms, back, butt, thighs and calves.  i need increased strength and flexibility in my joints, especially my left ankle to decrease pain and increase stability and balance.

Why am i telling you this?  i need a support network.  i need someone to journey with me down this path…to hold me accountable.  Will you be my sounding board?

Another thing I did today was to get Botox injections in my forehead, between my eyes, and the outer perimeter of my eyes.     Also, i had a few little bumps burned off my face that had become focal points each time i gazed in the mirror.

A new me is going to emerge slowly over the course of this year so that how i think i look in my mind will align finally with reality.  Wish me luck.

All this is contingent on that man in the White House not getting us nuked in the next six months!!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

 Objectification of the Male Body

i suppose i could be called a man-izer, since i tend to objectify every, and i mean EVERY man i see whether it is in person, on television,  on the Internet,  or even over the phone.

Men are sexualized just for existing. i have been called a man whore, a slut, and other descriptive but derogatory terms.  i can find something attractive in nearly every man.  It could be their looks, their smile, their hair or beards.  It could be their height whether tall or short.  It could be their size or body shape.  They can be large or skinny, hairy or smooth. Or the size and shape of nipples seen on a bare chest or through a tight Tee shirt.  Are they pierced anywhere?  And no Race issues here. Then, there is the package that may show abundantly or that does not show at all.  The size of their feet, the size of their nose or hands.  They can be cut or uncut.  And there is the butt.  Beefy…firm…small & round.  Hairy or smooth.  Doesn’t matter to me.

Y/you may be thinking i have no standards.  Well, i actually do. Smile and personality go a long way with me.  Are they showing any interest in me at all?  Are they married, single, or looking for a LTR… which is a deal breaker.

With every man…i think about how big their cock is and about how hairy or smooth they are and how hairy their asses may be.  Even friends and family get this type of scrutiny.  So, am i strange, unusual,  a bit screwy, a sex addict or, do other gay men do this as well?

My ideal Dom would be 6 feet tall, 210 lbs, short brown/black hair, maybe olive colored skin, full beard and mustache, nice clean handsome smile, really hairy body, strong arms and chest, a bit of a belly, nice sized uncut dick..7 to 9 inches, hairy ass, and size 14 to 18 boots.  He must be a Leather man should be well educated in the fine arts of providing pain and pleasure.   He must want a service oriented older submissive boy to serve him.

Any glimpse of a man’s butt crack, treasure trail, pubs or nut sack make my head spin.  Can’t get it out of my conscious mind.

What do you think?  Sex addict, pervert, too much time on my hands, or just a normal, horny gay man?

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Get Off Y/your Asses Men!

Last night was the first meeting of this new group i came up with that has the goal of drawing in interested individuals new to the Leather Kink BDSM lifestyle.  T/they are turned on by M/men in full leather.  T/they are kinky and want to meet other gay M/men like T/them.  T/they are drawn to various BDSM activities and the implements used to induce pain and pleasure.  T/they are just curious.

W/we want T/them all! 

This group meeting had three RSVP’s, then one dropped out of the “interested” list completely before i had even left the house.  my former Mentor & Guardian came with one of His boys after much conversation via text trying to coax Him to at least meet and discuss O/our concepts and direction.  W/we arrived before the established meeting time and talked, exchanging ideas.  Approximately twenty five minutes later a participant came in to the coffee shop.  After introductions W/we learned his whole kink revolved around ONE and only one activity he wanted done to him, and he was wanting to find a partner or two to accommodate his kink.  That clearly was not O/our focus.  The second Man, a Top, did not make it.  i hope He comes to the next meeting.  i was a little bummed out about the turnout till i realized W/we had a 50% show rate…one out of two came.  Success!

i got home and saw the participant who came had removed himself from the group listing already.
My question to Y/you:  

Does an official, organized and sanctioned mentoring program exist in Y/your Leather Kink BDSM community?

If so, i would like to hear all about it.  If not, was there a program at one time and it petered out, or Y/you just couldn’t get that “kite to fly” where Y/you live?  

i want to pick Y/your brains, mine Y/your thoughts and experiences.  

As a nurse i was once asked by another nurse, “why do nurses ‘eat’ their young?”  i hadn’t realized it was a pattern of behavior for older, seasoned nurses to make life hell for new nursing graduates.  i vowed not to do that as i grew into my professional role.  And i never did.  i loved teaching, modeling behaviors, and showing them the ropes in their new career.

i tell Y/you all that not to brag but to put my current actions, goals and drive into seeing that this Leather, Gay, Male, BDSM & Kink Mentoring program gets off the ground.  i don’t see the older, seasoned Leather Men/boys eating their young.  i see some ignoring newbies and others seeing the newbie, but letting H/him flounder trying to meet others, learn protocol, experience BDSM and Kink, and just trying to fit in somewhere…anywhere!  Very few will offer a hand of recognition, support and encouragement to that lonely new guy.

Why is that Men/boys? 

i have been there.  i have floundered, fucked up, nearly got myself into possibly dangerous situations, and why?  Because i had no knowledge, no experience, no friends and/or no connections in the community i wanted so desperately to join.

my goal as a not so new newbie is to help establish a program for other newbies that develops mentor/mentee connections so the newbie doesn’t have to walk alone on H/his journey.  H/he will have a friend, a guide, a mentor beside him.

So, get off Y/your asses Men!  Can Y/you help a Leather brother?

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

 

A Kinky boy in a Vanilla World

i just got home from an evening out on the town to celebrate my husband’s birthday.  i dressed in nice vanilla drag…i mean dress casual with my new black jeans on.  Of course i wanted to fit in with our friends who dress gay casual…jeans, tee shirt, and sneakers.  But i had to honor my kinky side by wearing my wide black leather belt and a jock strap.  Instead of my combat boots i wore black leather dress shoes.  

First we went to dinner at a very expensive restaurant where the food was fantastic.  Then, we went bar hopping to 3 different gay establishments.  One was what we in the gay community have always called an S & M bar….meaning stand and model.  Everyone looked basically the same.  Jeans, sneakers and tee shirt, muscles and little to no body hair.  But there were a few guys dressed up in their best gay GQ getups looking all out of place with their brightly colored eyeglass frames, blazer jackets, dress shorts or slacks, and of course a fedora cocked on their heads.  These GQ guys looked as out of place as I felt in this club.  

Next, we walked down the street a bit and went into a piano bar.  It was subdued and gaudy with everything being stark white, even the piano, except lots of faux silver candelabras on every flat surface in the bar, and some even hung on the walls.   Each candle had that fluttering flame shaped piece of material with the orange light that kinda makes it look like a real lit candle.  This place was t-a-c-k-y!  It was filled with “older” gentlemen in their fine preppy clothes.  The pianist was a campy gay guy who was extremely enthusiastic as he sang, but had a little glint of crazy about him.  We just stood there for a couple tribute songs to singer George Michael. We didn’t even get a drink.  Then we scurried down the street (it was a frigid 58 degrees in South Florida) to another bar.

This was a dance bar.  Two levels and two separate rooms – one a bar where you could actually hear the people talking and the other a bar with a dance floor filled with big hairy men, little hairy men, and some men in leather.  All ages were represented .  I think there was an octogenarian with his shirt off, leather harness on, tight blue jeans and wildly dancing, like he was 30 years old again.  He was having a fantastic time.

 It must have been Bear night, or even Leather or fetish night.  The Bears, Leathermen and leatherboys in their harnesses, boots, vests and tight jeans were so hot.  We stayed quite a while; i couldn’t get my eyes filled enough with the images i am so comfortable with and attracted to.  Hot sweaty masculine men packed the dance floor.  Gyrating, men cruising other men, and smiling, and singing along with the music videos…having the best time ever.   

It’s great to be alive!

i could smell that familiar musky, sweaty, cigar smoke covered manhood before me.  i just wanted some big burly hairy Dom to carry me out to his F-150 and drive me to his dungeon.  

i did not want to leave this bar!  Really i wanted the three people i was with to leave and let me stay to drink in the images and smells of hyper-masculinity. Ah, fantasies keep me hopeful that one day  it all will become a reality.

How do i cope with living in a vanilla world?

Great question!  i seem to have two separate identities conjoined at the heart with no one on either side knowing the real totality of me…the true person i am in my heart.  i live two lives.  There is my Leatherboy, BDSM/Kink personality that likes Leather bars, dungeons, playrooms, XXX movies, Pro Doms, erotic massages, sex in risky places and the pain/pleasure that comes with it all.  i do all that as covertly as possible.  However, i have stopped hiding my bags of kinky toys at home.  

Then, there is the vanilla personality. he stays home doing the dishes, straightening up the house, caring for the animals, paying bills and attending religious services every week albeit in a gay church.  he wears clothes to fit in to the mainstream gay community.  he sits home most nights watching television.  But, he secretly checks hookup apps that cater to his kind of men and his preferred activities, writing my Blog on his IPad, or even texting Pro Doms and potential sex partners.  Sex, BDSM and kink ever present in his mind.

That’s my story for today.  These are my/his struggles daily.  Still searching for the answer to be revealed about how i can blend my personality with His to become one authentic person living proudly as a leatherboy.

I’d love to hear how you cope with the dichotomy.
Thanks for reading,

boy stray

me, me, me….or how can i serve You?

I read a lot of profiles online of Men/boys seeking BDSM connections. Most of the profiles are submitted by submissives and in my opinion are usually asking a Master/Dom to use them, abuse them, & tie them up, or they are seeking a “rape ” scene which is often a gang rape fantasy.

Sometimes i even fall into that mindset of just wanting a big burly Dom to use and abuse me as well.  But it hasn’t happened yet.  my online profile was previously all about what the Dom could do to meet my sexual needs and to play out my BDSM fantasies and desires.  Luckily i’ve known a Dom for about two years who i asked to read my profile.  He provided truthful and constructive criticism, and gave me suggestions on making improvements to the profile to show that i am a service oriented submissive, who seeks to provide services outside of the dungeon, as well as working to meet HIS needs…not mine!  Also i was told to share information about who i am outside of the Leather community

i thought long and hard about my skills, experiences, work history and all other aspects of my life that might benefit a Dom.  i rewrote my profile to include a little about me as a person and then i detailed what this submissive could offer a Dom.  Since i loathe housekeeping that was not an offered service.  But i was able to include organizing His home or office, caring for His leather, cleaning and putting His toys back where they belong.  And, i offered to run errands for Him.  The opportunity to provide other services was left open for discussion.

When a submissive tells a Dominant what he wants or needs or expects to happen is in the relationship or a one time BDSM play scene is in effect Topping from the bottom.  This has become so prevalent that it has become a real problem.  It is discussed in meetings, online, in books, and in magazine articles.  There are many submissive wannabes out there  thinking, they, as a bottom want all these kinky things done to them.  So, when they find themselves in a play situation they begin telling the Dominant what to do and how to do it….”flog me, beat me, bite me, fuck me, spank me…fuck me!”

Some subs coming out now may think that is the way it is…that a bottom or true submissive is supposed to tell the Dom in a scene what he wants.  Doms often comply.  They may not know how or want to exert Their power and Dominance in the relationship or in just a one time scene with some random sub They met online.

THIS IS THE REASON i Am a staunch advocate for developing MENTORSHIPS in the BDSM Community.

W/we need to welcome and nurture new Men/boys into the BDSM Leather community.  T/they need, and most likely want to be guided, supported, educated and brought into the Leather community to become fully integrated as an experienced, educated, and competent Dom or sub.

In a mentoring program, the M/mentor should:

  1. Share T/their personal journey & history
  2. Provide information about the history of BDSM and Leather community
  3. Teach about Old Guard Leather and how it is changing
  4. Teach about an appropriate “mindset” for the role in which T/they see T/themselves
  5. Discuss and assist in learning about & purchasing those items such as Leather boots, belts, pants, vest and anything else T/they will need to overtly exhibit T/their Dominance or submissiveness
  6. Discuss the concept of earning your Leather and what every item signifies as they prepare for T/their life in Leather
  7. Require the mentee to read appropriate books and articles & to give a report to the mentor on each one
  8. Require the mentee to keep a daily journal of thoughts, experiences and questions that will be reviewed by the mentor
  9. Network the community with the mentee introducing H/him to a variety of other people
  10. Assist T/them in examining T/their desires
  11. Help T/them to learn how to find, approach, and negotiate a hot scene with someone
  12. Provide checklists of activities that are to be discussed with a play partner prior to a session beginning
  13. Determine the frequency of face to face meetings based on the knowledge and experience of the M/mentee
  14. Discuss the boy’s Bill of Rights & provide a copy
  15. Discuss Leather Protocols
  16. Assist with developing or editing an online profile

This sounds like a lot of time and energy is invested in the mentoring of another person.  And it probably is, but wouldn’t Y/you have wanted the kind of guidance and education that you as an experienced Dom or sub can now share with a fledgling Dom or sub trying to find T/their way?

Come on Men/boys you can do this!  Y/you should do this!

Develop a Leather BDSM, Kink & Fetish mentoring program in Y/your communities!
Doms…subs…L/leaders of Leather communities, THIS IS A CHALLENGE TO YOU ALL.

One last thing.  i started a Meetup on Meetup .com for Men/boys who want another opportunity to meet and socialize.  Also through the Meetup i hope to develop a mentoring program here in Fort Lauderdale. Contact me if you want more information. 

Let me hear from you.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray