Honesty & Lies

Living honestly, openly, and true to myself is not easy. Whilst i have had interest and dalliances into the Leather BDSM/Kink/Fetish world over my many years of adulthood, it has been a short stay each time, only to return reluctantly to my vanilla, mainstream lifestyle after each occurrence.

As you may remember from earlier posts i began coming out as a Leather boy 1 1/2 years ago by joining a club for Leather boys. I’ve attended events, demonstrations, meetings, camping events and recently a formal Leather Masked Ball.

Most of these activities have caused varying degrees of discord within the home & relationship. It started with resistance and snide comments about Leather, Leatherfolk, and kinky activities. It has evolved into a quiet tolerance with only the occasional rumpf response to my going out with Leather minded friends.

This brings me full circle to honesty. i have to admit i am not honest and i am in ways a coward. i want to wear my boots and jeans more. I want to go out more to the Leather bar, events and meetings. i want to live a Leather lifestyle however that manifests in my life. i want to be able to hookup/play or just cruise online without hiding and lying.

And i want to…need to admit to my husband that i am not happy and want to separate. But, through therapy and a sizeable amount of investigation i’ve learned he is a narcissist and i am codependent. As a “narc” he lacks empathy and has little to no clue how bad it is for me in the relationship or how much i want a new start. i deeply dread THE conversation, the anger and tears. So i procrastinate. Surpressing my feelings, wants and desires in deference to his – classic codependence.

i have looked at apartments and rooms for rent. i’ve looked into escape plans, a PO Box, a new separate checking account, i’ve developed a budget, and i’ve made a list of the few things i really want from the house when i leave.

Is this all a dream or fantasy i am building in my mind? Will i have the balls to leave?

Will i finally be honest with myself and my spouse, so we both can begin a new chapter in our lives?

i’ll let you know what happens!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive 

This morning i can’t sleep yet again.  It’s 3:45 a.m.  My dogs woke me up as they do quite often at this time, and that means i am awake at least a couple hours.  i like Blogging when i wake up, but i have to be careful to double check my writing for nonsensical phrases and for typos – those that i make, and those auto correct changes inaccurately.

Today i will answer two questions again.  
Day 17:  Trust.  What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

Trust is a vital element in any relationship, but i think even more so in BDSM.   Both the Dom and the sub need to establish trust through openness, honesty, and detailed communication.  Since BDSM is a full on contact activity that can induce pain, bruises, abrasions, and bleeding as well as intense emotional reactions the people involved must be able to develop a trusting relationship even if it only lasts through the scene.  The sub must be able to trust that the Dom will not deliberately hurt them.  They must trust the Dom will lessen intensity or stop all action if a safe word is used by the sub.  Both the Dom and sub need to trust that the other will not expose them deliberately to HIV, Hepatitis, or any other STD.  Each person must trust that all toys and equipment have been cleaned thoroughly before play.  Prior to the scene the sub should express a need for aftercare during and after the play session and trust the Dom will provide it as agreed on.  

And, each needs to trust that the other person is willingly participating and that they will bring excitement, enthusiasm and sensuality into the session.  

Trust is the key to an enjoyable play scene.

Day 18: Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

When i began to delve into the BDSM Leather community i fervently believed a real sub would never disagree with or contradict what the Dom says or does.  It’s amazing to look back at old journal entries to see how much i have grown and changed over the years.  i still believe the sub must be respectful always of their Doms opinions but that a sub can disagree and voice their own opinion.  Always maintaining respect especially in front of other Doms and subs!  Disrespecting or dishonoring your Dom reflects poorly on Y/you both.  you for being insolent and the Dom for allowing such behavior.  

The desires and needs of the sub must be discussed before any action occurs during the open dialogue about those activities Y/you will and won’t do, Y/your hard limits, contractual specifics, and in working to develop trust between all parties involved.  During a play session the sub can express their needs and desires by vocalizing moans, groans and other noises that demonstrate the sub is enjoying the activity.  Also, i observed once a sub being struck on the back by a bullwhip.  He verbalized “Thank You Sir” each time a sting of pain/pleasure hit him.  It could be agreed prior to play that the sub could say that phrase to indicate the activity is going well and enjoying the play.  And, if/when the sub begins to say it hesitantly or stops saying it altogether the Dom slows down or stops, and checks in verbally with the sub to see if that activity has become too painful.  Some subs may be reluctant to use a safe word thinking they will disappoint the Dom, show their inexperience or low pain threshold, or that they don’t want to acknowledge or otherwise show they are having an intense emotional reaction to the activity.  This is where the need for open communication is paramount for the people in the scene.

Establishing trust and having honest, open and direct communication about needs and desires prior to play is more likely to lead to a successful scene that both the Dom and the sub have thoroughly enjoyed.