Horn Dog

Lately, i’ve become quite a horn dog. I seem to be looking for and getting lots of hookups. But, i am not going to gloat, because i’ve had more than my fair share of long, dry spells.

The recent encounter i thought i would tell you about may be off-putting, uncomfortable, or anger inducing to some people because of the subject matter, i.e. kink involved. But, let me be the first to say i abhor child sexual abuse. And i say that as a survivor of repeated sexual abuse by an older male cousin when i was between the ages of 9 and 12.

Recently, i met a man online who fancied himself a bit of a mental health therapist who specialized in child sexual abuse/incest. i admitted to him that i had been abused as a child. So, he wanted me to “process” what had happened to me in a session with him. i have to admit i was intrigued, and a bit titillated by the scenario since we connected on a gay hookup site.

So we agreed that within the hour i would come to his place, make myself as comfortable as i wanted to be (naked), and to lie on the bed in the direction indicated by the pillows.

I drove over, walked in and went straight to the bedroom as directed. i completely undressed, because…well, i hoped i was going to get fucked.

i laid down with my head at the foot of the bed. A few minutes later i heard steps approach the bed, then pass by to a nearby chair. The “therapist” told me to begin my story of sexual abuse from the beginning.

i told him each of the occurrences i could recall. i also admitted that although it was non-consensual, and i clearly was being abused by an older boy, it did feel good and that i had gotten an erection each time from the abusive encounter. Also, i told the therapist that the last abusive encounter occurred at an age when i was capable of cumming, so i stopped the cousin from masturbating my penis before i ejaculated by pretending to be asleep, and turning over in the bed away from my abuser.

Then, i talked about childhood mutual sexual play with friends and boys in my neighborhood. Then he stood up and told me not to be concerned as he placed a sheet over by face. He took his clothes off and got in the bed beside me.

i reach over and grasped surprisingly, a large, uncut cock. He went down on me for a bit, and then tried really hard to get that big, fat, uncut dick up my tight asshole. It hurt, but he went slow. He was gentle. He was determined and so was i — to a point. About 3/4 of his at least 8 inches were in, but the pain and fear of tearing caused me to stop him.

Without a word he got up, dressed and left the room. i got up, dressed, left the house and drove home.

Remember: my kink may not be your kink, and that’s ok.

While this encounter was bizarre, it was also cathartic. i have to say that i had never openly admitted to another person that i was aroused while i was being abused. That it felt good. And in my confusion over the conflicting feelings of the abuse (shame, fear, anger) and the sexual arousal, i had erotic dreams about this cousin for years afterward. i even considered contacting him to entice him into a consensual sexual encounter numerous times over the years.

Child sexual abuse fucks up a kid’s brain. It messes up their ability to feel things normally. It destroys self esteem. It induces lifelong shame. It can cause promiscuity and sex addiction.

i should know. Been there. Done that!

This post is in no way meant to glorify, justify, encourage, or normalize child sexual abuse.

Will, Won’t or Maybe Mondays

Today i will just talk about humiliation as a part of a D/s interaction or relationships.  Twice, well, maybe more than that, i have put my safety in jeopardy by getting into the vehicle of an unknown Dom.  But, the topic is about humiliation…both of those encounters began with my public humiliation.  The first one i experienced was with a Brazilian Dom i met on a hookup site.  He was a young, good looking, uncut, married (to a woman) Dom so i felt i could trust Him to be discreet.

On the day of our first meeting He ordered me to wear a tank top tee shirt, extremely short shorts, and no underwear.  Also i was to tie a white ribbon around my balls and to let the end of the ribbon to hang out the bottom of my shorts.  Well, the shorts i had were very short workout shorts and i always wore a jock with them.  The jock greatly enhanced and displayed my bulge through the leg openings.  This was the strategic marketing of my availability at the gay gym.  

If that weren’t enough humiliation, the true test of my submissiveness for Him was that i was to drive to a certain coffee shop about six miles from my house, and i was to stand out front with my head bowed waiting for him to arrive.  i must have stood there ten to fifteen minutes before He arrived.  He then ordered me to keep my head down and not to look at Him.  W/we walked into the coffee shop and sat at a table.  He ordered me to move closer, He reached over and took hold of the white ribbon tugging on it a couple times.  He bought U/us coffee and we left.  i assumed i would follow Him to His house, but He insisted i get into his car.  Briefly i thought about my safety but my dick was making decisions for me at this point.

i got into the passenger seat still averting my eyes and W/we drove off.  W/we drove a short distance, then He ordered me to put a blindfold on, which i did..  Later i learned He didn’t want me to know where W/we were going or His address.  He ordered me down in the seat so neighbors wouldn’t see as He drove into the garage.  i followed Him into His house.  Again, i thought He could kill me and no one would have a clue about my whereabouts.  But i still went in.  

i allowed myself to be cuffed behind my back after undressing.  

Previously online He told me about a smegma fixation He has.  He asked if i preferred clean or with “cheese”.  i said clean.  However, when He wanted a blow job all i could think about was smegma – even though He was clean.  So, i began gagging and choking with the thought of unclean dick in my mouth.  He said, “you are a lousy cocksucker, I’ll have to train you to be better at it.”  The rest of the scenario i will not discuss simply because it was uneventful and safe.  He took me back to my car and i never saw Him again.  i chose not to do that again with Him!

The second encounter with public humiliation was eerily similar – can Doms not come up with an original idea for public humiliation?

In NO WAY am i encouraging you to submit to public humiliation or putting yourself in the kind of dangerous situations i describe in my post.  

How many mistakes did i make during that scenario?

Always put Y/your safety first.

Humiliation can be public or private.  But it must be consensual!

Although i was embarrassed each time i submitted to public humiliation, i felt i was displaying my commitment to submission for everyone to see.

Now that i am more knowledgeable about BDSM, safety, and the practice of safe, sane and consensual kink, i am less likely to consent to public humiliation, and definitely will not get in a car that can be driven anywhere potentially putting me in danger.

Be safe!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Have you ever consented to public humiliation?  If so, i would love to hear your story.  Share with me in comments ot PM me.  Thanks

Your Kink Is Not My Kink and Your Kink is Ok

As you may already have read in this blog, i am kind of a newbie to the Leather BDSM/Kink community trying to find my place, to fit in somewhere and to figure out just what it is i am into kink-wise.  Then, i heard someone say, “Your kink is not my kink and that is Ok.”  i suppose prior to hearing this i figured “one size fits most.”  i thought almost everyone in the BDSM & Kink community did essentially all the same things.  No real individualization, no venturing off into the really heavy stuff.  No experimentation!

What does that statement mean and why is it important to hear, internalize, and have it become a mantra of sorts….well, at least for most kinksters.

Actually I would prefer it to say, “Your kink may not be my kink and that is ok.”  To me this allows for the possibility that your kink, or at least some of your kinks, just might be my kinks as well.  Also, it says that it is ok if your kink is different from mine.  We all have certain kinks that excite us, intrigue us, turn us on, and get us off that might get a totally opposite reaction from other people.  Everyone is an individual in the world of kink, so to each his own!

i won’t judge you for what you like, and i hope you won’t judge me either.  It goes even further though.  I think in support of our fellow BDSM/Kink practitioners we shouldn’t even be negative or say that one activity or another is crazy or sick, or put a negative connotation on the kink or the person who likes it. Just as we might judge the kink of someone else, there might be another person branding us or our kink as sick or pathological.  i simply would say, “i don’t understand that kink, and it’s not for me.”  That short statement puts no judgment on the person who does it; it only says that that kink is not something i want to do.

i am not suggesting that you have no opinion on various activities, but voice your opinion in a non-judgmental way.

Maybe i don’t get into scat, or flogging, or sounding, or whatever, but it is Okay if a Sir and his boy like and participate in those kinky activities.  It is also Okay to experiment with various kinks.  You may have HARD limits, but you likely have a gray area of interests that you just aren’t sure about because you’ve never done them…As long as it is Safe, Sane, Consensual why not try it!

i like the thought of trying fire play, knife play, blood play, and hard impact play.  But, i’ve never done it.  i’ve seen a lot of play but i never saw anyone doing edge play.  It sounds really intense.  Another SIR and His boy may completely enjoy it.  It might be exciting and erotic.  But will i ever cross that threshold to actually engage in those kinks remains to be seen.  If i ultimately decide not to participate in those activities, all I need to remember is, “Your kink is not my kink and that is ok.”

A contrasting view of this statement is that some kink is wrong, disgusting, and/or dangerous.  This is an extremely judgemental view.  It seems to say “your kink is disgusting but my kink is normal, healthy, and acceptable, so you just need to do those things that i approve of and you’ll be okay.”

i would love to hear your reaction and thoughts on this.  Have you judged another person based on their personal kinks?  Has someone judged you for your kink?  What kink have you tried that just wasn’t something you’ll do again, and why?

My next post will be on “sub headspace.”  What is it, how do you get it, and what does it feel like?

Also, Monday will be my weekly post “Will, Won’t or Maybe Monday!”

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

 

SSC & RACK, huh?

Much of what i hear about in the BDSM community during my coming out and fitting in process is about personal safety…mine and the Doms.

i wrote before about my own stupidity in going too fast and not vetting my play partners.  Vetting is the process of getting to know the person you want to play with prior to any scene you may have with them.  you should find out about them as a person outside of kink.  you need to know their real name, hopefully address, perhaps something about their employment, and any friends in the community to vouch for them in terms of them being Safe, Sane and Consensual in their approach to BDSM/Kink play.

Safe – the Dom works His scene and plays from the standpoint of safety for all parties involved in the scene.  He tries to the best of His ability to make sure no harm comes to anyone though His or the other participants actions or inactions.  The submissive or bottom in the play is equally responsible for the safety of the other players as well.  Nothing is done to harm anyone, although inadvertent accidents can and most likely will occur from time to time.  Care and planning should take place in advance to ensure the quick release of a sub from bondage if necessary.  The sub could have circulation impairment or breathing restriction, or could have a seizure, a diabetic or cardiac emergency.  There could be cuts, abrasions, or burns that need attending too.

Every scene needs to be planned so most foreseeable accidents or medical problems can be averted.  Have a first aid kit on hand.  Have water or an electrolyte solution available for dehydration, orange juice or sugary drink available in case of a drop in blood sugar.  Know CPR!  Have a cell phone or landline phone on hand in case 911 must be called.

Sane – Know Y/your kink.  Have experience and really know how to a do whatever play activity Y/you plan to engage in.  Do NOTHING that intentionally causes unwanted pain, or other injury.  Y/you certainly don’t want to play with anyone who is unskilled and uncaring for your emotional and physical safety.  you don’t want a Dom ordering you to do anything that could get you arrested, like injuring someone else, or doing something illegal such as public exposure of genitals or public play.  Again this is where vetting comes in.  you don’t want a Dom who can not call an end to a scene that is becoming uncomfortable for Him to continue to participate in, or who will not stop the activity when the sub calls out the safe word to either slow down or even stop the scene.

Consensual – Y/you must give verbal or written permission for all activities that Y/you want or expect to happen during Y/your play session.  Written permission can take the form of reviewing and completing together the BDSM/Kink checklist of those things (activities) Y/you will and won’t do.  Y/you do not want to be restrained and have the Dom decide he wants to do fire play or use a Violet Wand on you when you explicitly said you absolutely do not want to do those things.  Implied consent should not even be considered an option.  Implied consent does not exist in BDSM/Kink play.  The sub may be too new, too excited to be playing, too uninformed, or too intimidated by the Dominant to speak up, to verbally and adamantly call an end to a scene, to exclaim RED! when that line has been crossed.  Silence does not mean consent is given.  It should be a sign to all participants that clarification and explicit consent needs to be obtained or withdrawn before proceeding with the activity.

RACK

RACK stands for Risk-Aware Consensual Kink.  RACK is different in that it allows players to choose for themselves the level of risk they are willing to take.  They may choose to play under the influence of alcohol or drugs, which is diametrically opposed to SSC principles.  RACK allows more flexibility in terms of what may be considered safe play.  Both concepts support the idea of the participants being consenting adults who are knowledgeable about the activities they are going to be doing and that they take precautions to reduce or prevent harm.  Each BDSM/Kink player must decide which concept works best for them based on their experiences and comfort level.

Examples of my naïveté and inexperience include having my belt removed and placed around my neck in an adult bookstore which I consented to.  However, i had taken an erection enhancement pill, so when He placed a popper bottle under my nose, and i didn’t stop Him, one short inhalation after the pill that lowers blood pressure and i went down like a lead weight.  He ran out of the booth leaving me on the floor, sweating profusely, embarrassed from the loud noise of falling on the condom and cum filled trash can, and then trying to compose myself enough to pull up my pants, put my belt back on and exist the building nonchalantly.

i believe i already mentioned in an earlier post about the Dom who ordered me to pull my shorts down exposing myself in a gazebo outside a coffee shop, then having me go to the men’s room where he used his belt to strike me on the back twice before I stopped him.

Then there were the two episodes where guys tried to fist me without my explicit consent, causing lots of pain, probably as much from their lack of skill as my inexperience with fisting.

i share these few brief examples to show my own lack of awareness and education about Safe, Sane, and Consensual play.  i was too eager for the opportunities to play.  I was too intimidated to say NO.  And my lack of giving or withdrawing consent was interpreted as “implied” consent putting me in dangerous and illegal situations.

i have learned a great deal and am internalizing the principles of SSC play.  Hopefully now i will be better prepared to give or withdraw my consent overtly, and not silently go with whatever happens despite the risks/dangers by having the Dom believe i am giving implied consent to the activity.

Do educate yourself about SSC and RACK.  Don’t be so horny that your principles go out the window.  Don’t let anyone assume you are giving implied consent by remaining silent when certain unpleasant or unwanted activities begin.  Don’t let a Dom intimidate you into silence!  Advocate for your own safety!

Thanks for reading.  Be safe!

boy stray