House Rules for New subs

Reposted and edited with permission from the Blog bdsmforvanillas written by thesexresearcher.  Thank you!

When you get a new submissive, one of the things you can do to ensure that things run smoothly is to create a set of rules. Rules must be adapted to each individual D/s relationship, but here are a bunch of rules you can choose from or use as inspiration.

General Rules:

  1. The submissive shall not lie.
  2. The submissive shall NOT consider “Nothing” as an appropriate response to “What’s wrong?”
  3. The submissive shall be respectful at all times
  4. The submissive shall not manipulate Dominant, or any situation, in order to achieve their own personal objectives.
  5. The submissive must wear their “collar” at all times.
  6. The submissive’s clothing is subject to the inspection and approval of Dominant.
  7. The submissive shall execute and complete all requests made by Dominant in the manner and time frame they set forth, and agreed upon by the submissive.
  8. The submissive shall discuss with Dominant all decisions of any significance.
  9. The submissive shall submit a journal entry to Dominant each day.
  10. The submissive shall not fear discipline from any matters contained in their journal.
  11. The submissive is always to act in a manner that reflects positively upon their Dominant.
  12. The submissive shall not misuse their safe word. It is appropriately used only at times in which they feel their personal safety, either physical or mental (including fear), is compromised.
  13. The submissive shall refrain from using profane language at all times.
  14. The submissive shall always make physical or eye contact with Dominant when Dominant enters a room.
  15. The submissive must let Dominant take care of them.

Daily Routine:

  1. Before leaving  home every day, submissive must be wearing an item of ownership.
  2. Each morning, sub will write Dom’s name somewhere on sub’s body. Condition – If they are together, Dom will write their name on sub’s body each morning.
  3. Each evening, sub must write an e-mail to Dom describing in detail everything that they plan to wear the following day. Or if together, then let them pick out your outfit. Must include: undergarments, outfit, jewelry, perfume.
  4. Every day after work, when female sub changes out of her work clothes, she must insert the Ben Wa balls into her pussy and wear them until bedtime. She must wear the ben wa balls for all social, exercise, yoga or work out activities.
  5. Every night submissive must masturbate.

Grooming/Hygiene/Body care:

  1. Submissive will adhere to any preference Dominant might have regarding whether they shower or take a bath.
  2. Submissive will adhere to any preference Dominant might have regarding whether they bathe or shower at night or in the morning.
  3. Submissive will also adhere to any preference Dominant has to which body lotion or perfume they use after they bathe/shower.
  4. The submissive will attempt to avoid disease. Should any medical issue arise, the submissive will inform Dominant immediately.
  5. The submissive must brush and floss teeth daily.
  6. Hair must be groomed each day.
  7. Submissive must exercise for a minimum of 30 minutes each day.


  1. Submissive must thank Dominant cheerfully
  2. Submissive will never hide their feelings or thoughts from Dominant.
  3. Submissive will apologize whenever they have erred.
  4. Submissive will never hide their tears from Dominant.
  5. Submissive will not borrow trouble and will not worry about things that are out of their control.
  6. Submissive will accept all punishments, knowing they are out of care and/or love.
  7. Submissive will never (or rarely) speak badly of themselves, or there will be consequences.
  8. Submissive will go to therapy, take medicine, or whatever the Dominant says if they have mental issues like anxiety or depression.


  1. Submissive will send a “good morning” text to let Dominant know they are awake and to remind them of plans for the day.
  2. Submissive will let Dominant know whenever they leave the house.
  3. Submissive will not pick up their phone and answer it when Dominant is talking to them, unless Dominant says otherwise.
  4. Submissive will ask permission to speak freely when they believe Dominant is making a wrong choice.
  5. Submissive will always address Dominant as “Sir”, or other name both have agreed on. And keep their eyes respectfully lowered. Unless agreed to not do this.
  6. If submissive is concerned that they will deviate from an expectation they are to inform Dominant at once. Preferably before.
  7. Submissive will ask permission to make purchases that they or Dominant do not “Need”.
  8. Submissive will always come to Dominant with any concerns that they have. Submissive will not be afraid to talk to Dominant.
  9. Submissive will respond to text messages from Dominant in a reasonable amount of time or explain why it took so long to answer.


  1. Submissive will keep the household in presentable order
  2. Submissive will keep dirty laundry to a minimum
  3. Submissive will fold laundry (without complaint)
  4. Submissive will wash dishes everyday (Dishwasher)
  5. Submissive will feed dogs and do their training every morning
  6. Submissive will cook meals at least 3 times a week


  1. Submissive will have sex when Dominant sees fit, unless health prevents them from doing so. Submissive will let Dominant know when they are not feeling well enough for sexual activity.
  2. Submissive will never touch their self in a gratifying way or pleasing way outside of Dominant’s presence or unless they have obtained Dominant’s consent.
  3. Submissive will never touch a toy unless instructed to do so.
  4. Submissive will always thank Dominant after play, or sexual use.
  5. Submissive must also ask permission to orgasm.
  6. If submissive is given instructions regarding masturbation prior to asking, they must follow those instructions to the best of their ability.
  7. If submissive wants to buy a new sex toy they must show Dominant so they can make the decision together.
  8. While in the scene, the submissive will not speak unless to say their safeword or unless the Dominant says they can.
  9. Submissive may ask for a particular sexual act before starting the scene, but not during.
  10. Once the scene has started, the Dominant has full control and expects full cooperation from submissive.






Getting Back on the Horse

i have always heard “if you fall off a horse, get right back on it!”

So, that’s what i hope to do.  i have chronicled my ups and downs searching for a Dom, a play partner…just someone with whom i could relieve this intense pent up need and desire.  Then out of the blue i sent an innocuous ‘smile’ from a hookup site to a Dom.  He responded favorably.  W/we emailed quite a bit. Then i gave Him my cell number so He could text me.  W/we have texted nearly every day for a week.

From O/our conversations W/we believe W/we are each other’s “type” meaning overall looks, likes and dislikes, and similar fetishes and kinks.

However, He is recuperating from a serious illness which has left Him weak and easily fatigued.  The stars aligned next week for U/us to meet socially to size each other up, discuss in more detail our BDSM likes, hard limits, begin negotiations, and if all goes well set up a play date as His health will allow.  Originally W/we were going to hookup Wednesday night, but i reached out to do the social interaction first, then proceed if all goes well.

Y/you never know.  There might be a funny vibe that is felt, or a word or phase that strikes you as concerning or a red Flag warning.  Everything I read says to follow your gut feeling.  If anything seems strange or out of the ordinary end the interaction.  Also, I read not to meet socially and end up at the person’s place the same day.  Too risky.

i am trying not to expect too much, or to begin planning O/our Leather wedding, but i do hope a mutual friendship develops as a D/s relationship of sorts with periodic play that meets both O/our needs.

Early in my Blogging i wrote a post about “Someday He’ll Come Along”, and He was a knight on a white horse. This time my imagery is of myself trying to get back on the horse since my earlier posts about a potential budding relationship between a Master and me told how it went down in flames, and how it made me feel.

What i think i am slowly learning from that experience is that if someone says you are not their type, or they don’t have time to deal with you, or you begin to feel you are being played, ignored or used, or your relationship actually ends…there is someone else out there for you.  Y/you may kiss a lot of frogs along the way but someday He’ll come along.  You just have to be ready to get back on that horse.

Last night W/we spent about six hours texting about life, health, kink, relationships, what each of U/us is looking for, and even some titillating texting.

W/we moved up our meeting to today.

W/we had lunch together.  He liked me and wants to play!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray  

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive – Day 22

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

Yes i believe a submissive can feel submissive even without a Dominant partner.  i always feel and try to portray my submissive nature.  It may be in some small ways, but it is ever present in my mind and actions.  Now that does not mean i am run over by people, taken advantage of, disrespected, or that i am not assertive in some situations.  

i mentioned before that i wear a leather bracelet on my right wrist as a sign that i am a leather oriented bottom boy.  i might have a key clip or have a hunter green bandana in my right back jeans pocket and wearing a Leather themed T shirt to denote my interest and position.   Being a sub means showing respect so i always say “please” “thank you” and i say “Sir” a lot even to younger men.  i now say “may i…” rather than “can i…” because i feel it expresses verbally my submission.    Also, i said in a post just the other day that i stand in a submissive way nearly all the time.  It is a constant reminder of submission.

Other ways of expressing my submission is by writing this blog.  There are so many ideas, thoughts, experiences, questions, doubts, and desires in me that need an outlet and this is a way of expressing my submission through words.  Another example is that a small group of us from the boy’s Leather club meet for coffee every week or two.  we talk openly in the coffee shop about the club, upcoming events, play parties, relationship issues, and about how BDSM and Leather influence our lives, thoughts and actions.

So, yes, i live my life of submission without having a Dominant partner.

Let me hear your thoughts on this as well.  Write me in the comments section to share your opinions.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

30 Days to Define your Kink as a submissive- Day 4

i saw these questions on another blog ( and thought it would interesting to respond to one question a day (probably non-sequential days) until all are covered. Maybe Y/you will consider writing Y/your own responses in a journal so Y/you can periodically review to see how Y/you have grown or changed.  
If You are a Top/Dom/Master it is possible to rework the questions to reflect Your perspective.
Day 1: Do you view your submission as; Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, DD/lg; or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?
13 January 2017 – i view my submission as a Dom/sub. i proudly say i am a sub, bottom, boy! i take great pleasure in calling other Men, SIR…even if they are bottoms. One night i called a boy Sir, and he quickly said, “oh, i’m not a Sir.” But i still think of him as a Sir every time I see him now. i even call young men Sir if i think they could be Dominant. Saying a lot is a verbal way of expressing my submissive nature.

Day 2: Describe who you might submit to and how.
14 January 2017 – The Man i might submit to would be mature and rugged looking, bearded, and extremely self assured. He would live and exude His Dominance. He would be borderline aggressive in His dealings, interactions, and expectations of His submissive. He is kind, compassionate, & passionate sexually and in His lifestyle. Being a service oriented sub my role would be to maintain order in the household, provide assistance with His day to day chores and needs by making calls, answering phones, writing letters, organizing His office and paperwork, running errands, doing his laundry, laying out His clothes, assisting Him with dressing, chauffeuring Him to wherever He needs to go, preparing and serving Him meals, providing foot rubs, massages, and presenting & serving Him a cocktail after His day at work.  
That’s probably a fairly comprehensive list of chores i could do to provide service a Dom

Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom?
Exclusively a submissive, gay, bottom boy in life, love, and sex. No compromises

Day 3: How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive?
15 January 2017 – i am a submissive. i enjoy being a bottom. i enjoying serving and pleasing a man…a Dom. i prefer being called a boy, and i prefer calling Dominant Men, Sir. i like to submit to the sexual needs and inclinations of a Dom. i enjoy being used for the satisfaction of a Sir. That’s how i know i am a submissive…because i am hard wired to be submissive.
Day 4: Do you switch into a dominant role at any time?

16 January 2017 – my career occasionally necessitated a flip into a Dominant, assertive, take charge persona.  Times of medical crisis, staff shortages, and dealing with difficult doctors brought out whatever role was needed in each scenario.  Even in my vanilla relationship i have to become Dominant when it comes to finances and in sometimes just being the adult in the relationship. But my true nature is that of being a submissive in service to a Dom.  

Day 5: Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you?
Have you been in more than one D/s relationship?
How were they the same? How were they different?
Day 6: What do you feel are the roots of your submission?
Do you think it has something to do with childhood?
Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline?
Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
Day 7: Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?
Day 8: Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?
Day 9: Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?
Day 10: Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships?
How do you feel about BDSM?
Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?
Day 11: Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission?
How do you define service?
What does it mean to you?
If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?
Day 12: Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself?
If no, is there a particular reason why?
Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission?
Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?
Day 13: Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission?
Why or why not?
Are there limits to this?
Day 14: Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit?
If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?
Day 15: Has your submission evolved over time?
If so, how has it evolved for you?
If not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?
Day 16: Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships?
If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?
Day 17: What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?
Day 18: Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?
Day 19: How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?
Day 20: Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?
Day 21: Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?
Day 22: Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?
Day 23: Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?
Day 24: What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?
Day 25: Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?
Day 26: What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?
Day 27: Do you have submissive desires or fantasies that you have yet to be able to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?
Day 28: Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticized for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realized you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?
Day 29: Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?
Day 30: Is your need to submit being met?
If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again?
What makes submission special to you?

thanks for reading,

boy stray 

What is sub Headspace?

In several readings about BDSM i saw references to something called the sub headspace.  i didn’t know what it was or if i’d ever experienced it myself, so i did a lot more reading about “sub headspace” or more simply, “subspace” and reflected deeply on my few D/s sessions.

It is hard to intellectually explain something that encompasses thoughts, emotions, physical sensations, and perhaps a bit of an out of body experience.  i didn’t realize until i began reading that i have had two episodes of sub Headspace.  Another opportunity to achieve a sort of subspace, or subspace lite, occurred with a different Master, but was ended abruptly by me.

Master #1 and #2

At first it was the physical Dominance of the Master, the need, the desire to serve/service Him and develop an emotional connection with Him.  Then, the sound of His commanding voice and His actual commands propelled me deeper into the funny, floating feeling.  Then the blindfold blocked out all light and visual cues as to what was happening, and what would follow.  i was shackled, hands and feet, to the bench where i would Remain throughout the session.  i felt the flogger slapping against my butt with increasing intensity…and pain.  As i listened to the Master’s commands, His occasional moans of approval, and His voice low and sensual as He said several times, “Ahhh, that’s it…that’s right!” as i moved and twitched and moaned in pain and approval.

All i could hear was His voice, the swish of the flogger and it’s slap against my ass…over and over.  And of course the clanging of the restraint clips as they pulled against the metal bench to which i was shackled.  i felt the sting of the flogger on my skin.  i could see nothing.  my head swam with confusion at first, then i felt an ever deeper connection with my Dom – as if W/we were in sync with each other.  i lost track of time; i was floating in a kind of out of body experience.  i knew what was happening and where i was but, at times it didn’t feel it was real.  i must admit that as a novice i had two brief mind intrusions with a little voice in my head saying, “what the fuck am i doing?”.  But, they were short lived thoughts and I didn’t need to use a safe word to end the session out of shame or guilt.

All these thoughts, feelings, emotions and sensations culminated in what I now believe was my sub Headspace experience.  i had the same feeling of having reached sub Headspace when I was with that Dom another time.

The other Master

Earlier i mentioned having 1/2 a BDSM session.  i just described the first and eluded to the second.  So where and how does one have a third short or 1/2 session?  I guess you could say using a safe word could end a session prematurely.  In my instance of the half session, i first allowed myself to endure a period of public humiliation outside a coffeehouse that had been ordered by a different Master before ever having met him in person.  RED Flag! – ignored.  i did a couple more things he ordered.  RED FLAGS! – again ignored.  i was really, actually enjoying His Dominance, His German accent and the way He commanded my attention.  My reaching for subspace ended abruptly after i exposed my back in the men’s room and He unexpectedly struck me twice with His belt.  i quickly turned to face Him and said, “not here!” as He was about to swing the belt a third time.  i dressed and left a few seconds after Him keeping my head bowed in case anyone had heard the loud whack coming from the restroom.  If He hadn’t been so nonchalant about wielding His unsafe and illegal commands, and having little to no respect for me by having me nearly caught with my proverbial pants down, I truly think He could have put me in a really light and enjoyable subspace.

subspace – floating, out of body sensation, flying, a high from all the Endorphins being released in the brain, surreal, hypnotic state.

my sessions left me craving more…a longer, more intense session next time as the hour long sessions seemed but a few minutes.

However, what i have described is my experience of subspace.  Everyone who actually experiences it, and many may not, will probably describe it in a different way than i did. And there are some who probably experience it but can’t articulate the sensation at all.

Those who don’t feel anything different except the physical sensations may not be fully present in the session – they may not be emotionally connected or physically attracted to the Dom or Master; they may mentally be thinking of kids, money, errands that need to be done, or even, when will this be over.  They may feel time is moving slow.  This is a bad scene that hopefully only happens with a new, inexperienced play partner, or at a particularly stressful time in the subs life.  

This is my attempt to explain something in words that truly must be experienced!  Hope you find you own subspace soon.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray 
Oh, soon i will tell you about my experiences with RED FLAGS (am I color blind?) 


Safe Words (where is one when you need it)




Finding your Dominant

One of the most frequently asked questions that I see online is “how do i find a Dom?”

In fact, it has been the question ever-present in my mind as well for over two years.  To date, i have not had a real D/s experience other than in classes, through the hiring of a Pro Dom twice, and in a rather unfortunate encounter with a Master who struck me three times on the back with a belt in a semi-public restroom.  No one else was there, but how Very Stupid of me to allow that to happen!!

As a brief aside, we submissives sometimes get so desperate for play, a relationship, or just some affirming attention from a Dominant that we may begin to compromise our safety, our limits, and even consider doing things that are HARD limits, or playing with a Dom that we would never play with under normal circumstances.

When i refreshed my quest to come out in the Leather community i thought it would be somewhat easy to find a hot Dom to submit to.  That thought was quickly squashed when i realized there must be something like 7 submissives for every 1 Dominant (my fuzzy guesstimate).

I was on a couple gay “dating” apps, but those hookups were extremely vanilla when an encounter would actually happen.  Then one day i did a google search and found:

It is a really good gay men’s BDSM/fetish hookup site.  I highly recommend it to potentially meet other men, both Masters/Doms and slaves/subs.  Most men on the site seem to be submissive making it harder to actually meet a Dominant, but i suppose it is possible.  Also by reading the profiles and viewing the pictures you can see what looks and sounds enticing.  Then you can use similar wording and upload the same kind of pictures that show your best assets & that may capture the attention of more men.

The membership fee is very reasonable and i suggest you at least try it for 6 months before deciding to revert to the free version.

Online options for Leather BDSM Gay hookups are hard to find.  You would think with all the general BDSM sites that come up with a Google search more hookup sites would be listed.  The few i do see are primarily heterosexual and pricey.  Some let you sign up but if you are sent a message you have to buy a membership to read the message.

i just found  Looked good but seemed a bit pricey for me.

Although is not really a hookup site, it is a good resource for meeting and discussing your particular fetishes with like-minded people.

If you do actively pursue the online option, here are a few suggestions to hopefully make it a better experience:

  1. Tell the advertiser what attracted you to their ad, and a little bit about yourself
  2. Be open and honest about your personal circumstances, what you are looking for and what you look like
  3. Be polite and avoid crudity
  4. Take your time to get the reply right
  5. Include an anonymous email address (one you have set up on or specifically for the purpose)
  6. Do not include your phone number or anything that might identify you
  7. Do not respond to more that 4 or 5 ads at a time
  8. Do not be crude or rude
  9. Do not overstate your interests or experience
  10. Do not reply to ads that clearly don’t fit your requirements, or where you don’t fit theirs
  11. Do not reply to ads where the advertiser lives way outside your local geographic area unless you are willing to relocate.

Once you start getting replies, it’s important that you reply to every single one of them, even if it’s just to say thanks but no thanks. Remember, by placing an advertisement you’re asking people to respond. Not bothering to reply to them when they have taken the trouble to do as you’ve asked is downright rude.

Back to finding your Dom!  The other options are Munches – a monthly dinner social in a restaurant with other men and women into the lifestyle.  The dress is vanilla casual so as not to out anyone publicly inadvertently.  i have attended a couple but found it to be largely a straight attendance.

The other options, and likely the best ones, are Leather organizations, clubs, and bars.  These will probably be located in larger cities, making it more difficult for those kinksters in smaller cities and in rural areas.

Meeting and networking in gay Leather bars and gay BDSM clubs is probably the best and safer way of finding potential play partners or Doms wanting relationships.  The other members may introduce you to someone or could recommend a Dom they know to be safe to play with.

This is the place i find myself in now.  I belong to a club for submissives and i am seeking membership in an organization for Doms and subs.  Also, i go bar hoping, attend classes and events…all in the hope of meeting a Dom who could become a regular play partner.

Any suggestions or ideas you’d like to share?  Send a comment that may benefit many men in a similar predicament.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray


Mentoring in the Leather BDSM Community

In a previous post i believe i talked about a mentoring relationship that ended sadly for me.  It is the inspiration for my research into mentoring  in the Leather community and for writing of this post as a hopeful mentee.  i hope you enjoy it, feel motivated by it, and work toward developing and implementing an organized mentoring program within Y/your Leather organization and/or community.

Mentor – a Dominant, or boy, who acts as a trusted counselor or guide

Mentee – the boy, or Dominant, who with a mentor works to achieve H/his Leather BDSM goals 

Mentoring in the Leather BDSM/Kink community is a powerful development tool that can enable the M/mentee to achieve or exceed H/his goals and aspirations in becoming a knowledgeable and skilled leatherboy or Dominant.  The role of a M/mentor is multi-faceted, can be either formal or informal, and may change or evolve as the needs or goals of the M/mentee evolve.

What does a mentor do?

Depending upon the M/mentee’s needs, a M/mentor:

Shares knowledge and life experiences, skills, expertise and time
Provides guidance and advice
Offers encouragement
Shows a genuine interest in the M/mentee’s questions, concerns, apprehensions
Is open and honest at all times
Discusses goal setting & assists in developing the M/mentee’s goals                        Advises on personal development within the Leather community
Identifies resources in the Leather BDSM Community
Helps to develop skills and increase experiences
Provides insight into Leather culture
Can provide exposure and visibility within an organization & the community
Advises on networking and networking opportunities
May introduce to important contacts
May serve as a sounding board for the M/mentee                                                                   May serve as P/protector to prevent interaction with unsafe people/situations                     Is accessible
Motivates the M/mentee toward H/his full potential in the Leather community
Assists the M/mentee in avoiding mistakes and learning from good decisions
Guides the M/mentee to self-determination of H/his right course of action
Is a positive role model
Provide constructive feedback honestly and openly
Is a Cheerleader

Edited from

Qualities of a Successful mentee include:

The M/mentee establishes a personal commitment to be involved with another person for an extended time. The M/mentee has to want to be a full partner in the mentoring connection and be invested, over the long haul, to reach H/his goals.

T/they prepare and do the appropriate “homework” for meetings with T/their M/mentor.

T/they work to gain the skills, knowledge, and abilities to grow.

T/they are flexible.   Successful M/mentees recognize that relationships take time to develop and that communication is a two-way street. T/they listen to T/their M/mentor, and consider new options.

T/they take initiative, seeking the M/mentor’s advice when needed.

T/they focus on the goal, not getting lost in the process.

T/they recognize that mentoring is only ONE development tool. M/mentors can save time plus inspire, teach, and encourage the M/mentee. T/they can be excellent role models for what the M/mentee wants to do and become.

T/they realize that T/they can also learn from many other sources.  By recognizing that T/they can benefit from a variety of sources, perspectives and styles – even those quite different from T/their own – T/they open T/themselves up to new ideas, valuable information, and a wide range of viewpoints. T/they may have one or more M/mentors as part of T/their overall personal development strategy.

T/they know and are able to discuss T/their needs and objectives with the M/mentor. This means that T/they must look inside T/themselves to identify areas that may need work and share them with the M/mentor.

T/they have the ability to listen and to accept different points of view. The M/mentee needs to be able to receive feedback and look at the situation from the M/mentor’s perspective to gain a more objective viewpoint. One of the biggest values of the mentoring connection is the ability to have a more experienced person’s viewpoint. The M/mentee has to be willing to try new things, to consider different ways of getting “to there from here.”

Counterproductive Mentee behaviors: Twelve Habits of Toxic Mentee

A light-hearted look at how not to be a mentee:

Bring to the first formal meeting a long shopping list of things you want the M/mentor to do for you
Expect the M/mentor to be available for Y/you, whenever Y/you want T/them
Regard the M/mentor as Y/your prime source of gossip to pass on
Expect the M/mentor always to have the answer
Expect the M/mentor to decide when to meet and what to talk about
Boast about the relationship to your colleagues at every opportunity
Never challenge what the M/mentor says, thinking H/he knows best
Blame the M/mentor whenever advice doesn’t work out thinking H/he should have known better!
Treat mentoring sessions as mobile – the easiest item to reschedule at the last minute
Use the opportunity of the mentoring session to moan or whine about lack of progress
Make it clear to the M/mentor that Y/you want to be just like T/them – adopt T/their style of speaking, dress and posture
Never commit to doing anything as a result of the mentoring session.

Edited from

Successful Goal Setting for the M/mentee

Establishing clear goals is the key to helping Y/you discover what Y/you want to achieve out of Y/your new mentoring relationship. It’s a critical step in defining Y/your work with Y/your new M/mentor and mapping out Y/your efforts moving forward.

To help Y/you get started, here are six suggestions designed to focus Y/your thinking so Y/you’re prepared for Y/your initial goal-setting conversations.

1) Clarify what Y/you want to accomplish.

Ask Y/yourself: what is the one bottleneck that’s stopping Y/you from reaching Y/your goal as it pertains to successful acclimation into the Leather community/lifestyle? The answer to this question will illuminate Y/your core problem, providing a critical piece of information that Y/you and Y/your mentor can use to build Y/your future goals around.

Y/you may start with a simple answer, like “I/i don’t know enough (or anything) about the Leather BDSM/Kink world,” but that only speaks to the broad issue and not the root cause. Push Y/your thinking a little further to arrive at a more specific answer, like “I/i want to be knowledgeable about Leather protocols and experienced in BDSM activities as a submissive.”

A focused answer like this clearly articulates Y/your objectives and makes it easier for Y/you and Y/your mentor to develop the appropriate goals—in this case, learning proper interaction with Leather Dominants and with other submissives in a Leather social situation and in a broader, general society context, and identifying those activities I/i am interested in experiencing and identifying the Dominants or submissives who can help M/me in achieving this goal.

2) Make sure Y/your goals align with reality.

Next, it’s important to assess whether or not Y/your goals are feasible given Y/your circumstances.

Ask Y/yourself the following questions:

Do Y/you have the time and resources available to meet this goal?
Are Y/you fully dedicated to achieving this goal?
Are Y/you aware of the sacrifices this goal will require and are Y/you willing to make them?

Based on these answers, think critically about whether or not Y/your goal is realistic. This is a great conversation for Y/you to have with Y/your M/mentor, as T/their Leather BDSM/Kink experience can provide thoughtful insights to help Y/you gauge the feasibility of Y/your goal.

3) Determine Y/your benchmarks for success.

Now that Y/you’ve set your goals, it’s important to define what success would look like to Y/you. Think about the specific items that would indicate success to Y/you—e.g., successful and comfortable interaction with Sirs and boys at Leather events, and when encountered in public, and having experienced Y/your top 5 BDSM activities within a predetermined period of time.

Consider what achieving these benchmarks has looked like up to now and share this information with Y/your M/mentor. Work together to set numerical targets for each goal, like attending 3 classes on BDSM within 5 months.  That is a specific, realistic and attainable goal that can be measured.

Setting these benchmarks early provides a great way to track Y/your progress, telling you exactly how you’re doing at a glance.

4) Set a realistic timeline.

Now that Y/you’ve worked with Y/your M/mentor to define Y/your goals, key metrics, and targets, it’s time to set a schedule for achieving them. Y/you may already have a deadline in mind, but Y/you should work with Y/your M/mentor to make sure Y/your timeline is realistic.

Start by asking Y/yourself the following questions:

When are Y/you prepared to start?
How much time can Y/you commit to Y/your goals each day, week, and month?
Based on these answers, work with Y/your M/mentor to assign a date to the goals Y/you’ve established—for example, attending one Enforced Dress Code at XYZ Leather bar by January 31, 2017.  Make sure Y/you set a timeline that’s long enough for the goal to be realistic, but short enough for Y/you to stay motivated.

5) Define strategies and map out the path to success.

At this point, Y/you have a target and deadline in place, so now it’s time to work with Y/your M/mentor to define the actionable steps that will help you reach the goal. This is an area where Y/your M/mentor’s advice will be invaluable, as T/they may have ideas Y/you hadn’t even considered.

Work as a team to determine your overall strategy. For example, if your goal is to experience flogging, the steps Y/you might take are:

  1. Discuss Y/your desire to flog or be flogged with Y/your M/mentor
  2. Discuss any prior experience Y/you’ve had, positive & negative
  3. Talk to other Doms and subs about T/their experiences, good and bad
  4. Take a class on flogging
  5. Learn about the different materials that floggers are made of
  6. Identify a Dom or sub in the community who will help Y/you achieve this experience
  7. Develop a rapport with that person to gain insight into how much force can be used during the flogging, whether Y/you are the Dom or the sub
  8. Flog or get flogged, or both

6) Track Y/your progress frequently.

Once Y/you’ve put Y/your plan in place, be sure to track Y/your progress using the benchmarks Y/you established with Y/your mentor. When Y/you can see how close or far way Y/you are from hitting a target, it can be extremely motivating and encouraging. This will keep Y/you on the path toward achieving Y/your goals.

Y/your first goal-setting meeting can seem daunting, but by following these best practices, Y/you’ll ensure a productive, focused meeting with Y/your new M/mentor. Spend time working through these exercises in advance, so Y/you can come to the table prepared and get the greatest benefit from Y/your M/mentor’s time. Y/your mentoring partnership will be unique, so feel free to use our suggestions as a guide for developing a goal-setting process that makes the most sense for Y/you.

Starting a Mentoring Culture in your Organization or Community

Ensure that your mentoring program aligns well with your organization’s values, mission, and goals.
Organizational leadership must support your mentoring program.
Appreciate the importance of your mentoring program and allocate the resources and time required to support it.                                                                                                      Educate interested members in the art of successful mentoring relationships and in methods of developing goals that are specific, measurable and attainable.
Ensure that your mentoring program is highly visible in your organization. Talk about mentoring and its benefits regularly to the members participants.
Create value for your mentoring program. Encourage members to participate in the mentoring program and as a result they will become champions of the program.
Support the confidentiality of the mentor/mentee relationship.


Let’s build a strong, supportive, educated, and experienced Leather BDSM/Kink community in South Florida and throughout the country!

As always Y/your comments, criticism and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

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