As i wrote before last year was the beginning of my transition, or transformation into a more authentic me. my coming out as a Leather BDSM submissive began in earnest around July 2016. When i began to exit that final closet i reached out and made connections, met some people, started attending Leather BDSM functions and made friends…good friends. But, as i bought my leather gear and toys, and updated my recon.com ad, i was faced with a final incongruity. i realized that my age, physical ability and body do not match the Leather boy vision i hold in my mind’s eye. i see me in my mind as younger, healthier, more agile, and having a nice body. Every once in a while i catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or window reflection and i am snapped back to my reality. But, i know that as time keeps rolling along and if i stay on the current trajectory i would probably end up an old obese man unable to walk much at all, and likely reliant on others for my care. What kind of Leather sub would that be?
i am in physical therapy again for the fourth time. This time i have a weak painful left ankle and balance problems. i have been going just a couple weeks so far. But, one thing i am told over and over by doctors and therapists is “you need to join a gym.” i finally heard and internalized that suggestion. i waited until New Years resolution gym ads started appearing in the mail, I toured two facilities and actually joined one yesterday. Today my physical assessment was done, my measurements, weight, and body fat analysis was done, and most humiliating was having the front and side view pictures taken.
For years i have lived with HIV and a metabolic condition called Lipodystrophy. It leeches out the subcutaneous fat from the arms, legs, butt and face redistributing it to the abdomen, chest and back. If you can envision a baking potato with tooth picks for arms and legs you can get a general idea, albeit more, much more pronounced than in reality. Viewing my image frontally in a mirror i look normal. Turned to the side i look nine months pregnant. How i think i look is not true to reality. i absolutely hate seeing myself in mirrors. And you know, gyms have freaking mirrors everywhere.
So, i am an official member of a nice gym. i have lots of work to do. i must remain realistic. i am not going to build up so much that i will resemble Arnold Schwarzenegger. That is NOT my goal. my goal is to lose abdominal fat, add strength and definition to my chest, arms, back, butt, thighs and calves. i need increased strength and flexibility in my joints, especially my left ankle to decrease pain and increase stability and balance.
Why am i telling you this? i need a support network. i need someone to journey with me down this path…to hold me accountable. Will you be my sounding board?
Another thing I did today was to get Botox injections in my forehead, between my eyes, and the outer perimeter of my eyes. Also, i had a few little bumps burned off my face that had become focal points each time i gazed in the mirror.
A new me is going to emerge slowly over the course of this year so that how i think i look in my mind will align finally with reality. Wish me luck.
All this is contingent on that man in the White House not getting us nuked in the next six months!!
Thanks for reading,