Finding your Dominant

One of the most frequently asked questions that I see online is “how do i find a Dom?”

In fact, it has been the question ever-present in my mind as well for over two years.  To date, i have not had a real D/s experience other than in classes, through the hiring of a Pro Dom twice, and in a rather unfortunate encounter with a Master who struck me three times on the back with a belt in a semi-public restroom.  No one else was there, but how Very Stupid of me to allow that to happen!!

As a brief aside, we submissives sometimes get so desperate for play, a relationship, or just some affirming attention from a Dominant that we may begin to compromise our safety, our limits, and even consider doing things that are HARD limits, or playing with a Dom that we would never play with under normal circumstances.

When i refreshed my quest to come out in the Leather community i thought it would be somewhat easy to find a hot Dom to submit to.  That thought was quickly squashed when i realized there must be something like 7 submissives for every 1 Dominant (my fuzzy guesstimate).

I was on a couple gay “dating” apps, but those hookups were extremely vanilla when an encounter would actually happen.  Then one day i did a google search and found:

It is a really good gay men’s BDSM/fetish hookup site.  I highly recommend it to potentially meet other men, both Masters/Doms and slaves/subs.  Most men on the site seem to be submissive making it harder to actually meet a Dominant, but i suppose it is possible.  Also by reading the profiles and viewing the pictures you can see what looks and sounds enticing.  Then you can use similar wording and upload the same kind of pictures that show your best assets & that may capture the attention of more men.

The membership fee is very reasonable and i suggest you at least try it for 6 months before deciding to revert to the free version.

Online options for Leather BDSM Gay hookups are hard to find.  You would think with all the general BDSM sites that come up with a Google search more hookup sites would be listed.  The few i do see are primarily heterosexual and pricey.  Some let you sign up but if you are sent a message you have to buy a membership to read the message.

i just found  Looked good but seemed a bit pricey for me.

Although is not really a hookup site, it is a good resource for meeting and discussing your particular fetishes with like-minded people.

If you do actively pursue the online option, here are a few suggestions to hopefully make it a better experience:

  1. Tell the advertiser what attracted you to their ad, and a little bit about yourself
  2. Be open and honest about your personal circumstances, what you are looking for and what you look like
  3. Be polite and avoid crudity
  4. Take your time to get the reply right
  5. Include an anonymous email address (one you have set up on or specifically for the purpose)
  6. Do not include your phone number or anything that might identify you
  7. Do not respond to more that 4 or 5 ads at a time
  8. Do not be crude or rude
  9. Do not overstate your interests or experience
  10. Do not reply to ads that clearly don’t fit your requirements, or where you don’t fit theirs
  11. Do not reply to ads where the advertiser lives way outside your local geographic area unless you are willing to relocate.

Once you start getting replies, it’s important that you reply to every single one of them, even if it’s just to say thanks but no thanks. Remember, by placing an advertisement you’re asking people to respond. Not bothering to reply to them when they have taken the trouble to do as you’ve asked is downright rude.

Back to finding your Dom!  The other options are Munches – a monthly dinner social in a restaurant with other men and women into the lifestyle.  The dress is vanilla casual so as not to out anyone publicly inadvertently.  i have attended a couple but found it to be largely a straight attendance.

The other options, and likely the best ones, are Leather organizations, clubs, and bars.  These will probably be located in larger cities, making it more difficult for those kinksters in smaller cities and in rural areas.

Meeting and networking in gay Leather bars and gay BDSM clubs is probably the best and safer way of finding potential play partners or Doms wanting relationships.  The other members may introduce you to someone or could recommend a Dom they know to be safe to play with.

This is the place i find myself in now.  I belong to a club for submissives and i am seeking membership in an organization for Doms and subs.  Also, i go bar hoping, attend classes and events…all in the hope of meeting a Dom who could become a regular play partner.

Any suggestions or ideas you’d like to share?  Send a comment that may benefit many men in a similar predicament.

Thanks for reading,

boy stray


Gathering Information & Learning

My foray into the BDSM world began by doing Internet searches and reading everything I could find on “Gay BDSM” “Gay Leather” “Gay Kink” “BDSM submissive” “Dominant/submissive relationships” and every other combination of words & phrases I thought might yield some Internet gold.  I read everything I could find on these topics, and then concentrated largely on “How to Find a Dom” website links.

Google search became my friend.  But it seemed most sites and blog posts were either directed toward young gay men, or toward heterosexual D/s relationships.  But I felt I could learn something from all of them, even the straight oriented sites.

Then, I heard about a website specifically for gay male BDSM/Kink hookups and relationships.  I’ve had a profile on there for about two years; it’s updated periodically, but I have yet to meet anyone beyond the casual online banter back and forth.  Lots of big talkers, but no action!

I sometimes get down on myself thinking I am too old and believing that they think my stamina could not keep pace with them, and as an HIV+ long term survivor I feel perhaps people are afraid of HIV still.  But there are also the older Doms, say 45 years old and up, who ONLY want to meet, talk to or hookup with slender, hairless submissive boy’s under 35 years old.  Some of the Doms aren’t even necessarily that drop-dead gorgeous themselves or athletic in appearance, but they certainly “exclude” a lot of potentially fun subs that would serve them well.
So, that was the hookup sites.  Then I turned to and found a few books that I’ve enjoyed reading and really learned some things in the process.  I read The Complete Leatherboy Handbook, Leathersex, Leatherfolk, Becoming a Slave, and Mr. Benson.  I recommend them all to anyone interested in gay BDSM life and relationships.  Some books are even on Kindle for those of us who need instant gratification.

I found a site called FetLife.  You won’t believe how many Kinksters there are out the in cyberspace or the array of things they get into.  I joined some groups, made a couple online friends, and even a couple friends with whom I met, socialized with and learned from.  I really valued those friendships till I fucked up the most important one.  He is a Dom or Master, well known in the community, an educator, mentor, and runs a very active Leather family household.  We became acquainted through classes he taught.  I confide in him, and he kept me from making big mistakes regarding hooking up with men who were not connected, friended by or known by some of the leaders in the BDSM Leather.  Safety is Paramount in hooking up.  You (I) could easily be hurt or killed by an uneducated Dom, or even by someone who actually intends to do harm.

Anyway back to my major fuck up…I was texting the Master daily just to check in, ask questions, get feedback, and above all follow orders NOT to hook up randomly.  I had this texting and occasional face to face relationship for about a year to a year and a half.  He had van discussed with me beginning an educational program for submissive boys to help them to learn and grow into the role they’ve chosen.  But, I got anxious and impatient that he couldn’t jump in and start as quickly as I wanted. So, a six week class was offered on Exploring submission at my usual BDSM learning forum and I registered.  I did not tell Master that I was taking the class for whatever reason I thought I had.  On the second night of class in walks Master to speak with the instructor and owner of the Leather store.  We hugged but he was cool and aloof.  The next day I texted an apology, but it wasn’t really accepted.  So, my most important relationship in the BDSM Leather community was FUBAR’d- for those too young to know, it means fucked up beyond all recognition!

I think I’ll text him again now that it’s been six weeks since we saw each other.

From hat whole scenario I learned to FUCKING BE TOTALLY HONEST in dealings with other people.

Next time, connections and friends are made…