Polyamory

i learned a couple weeks ago that a friend has entered a polyamorous Leather BDSM relationship.  i saw Facebook posts of the three of them a few weeks ago, but just thought they had become fast, new friends.  I guess in a way they have.  I met the sub in the primary couple in the summer.  The Dominant i met in about October.  Great guys.  They both are good looking, look good together, and both are sexy, hot, experienced Leathermen.

i saw that my friend was wearing a “training” collar as kind of a commitment to the couple to see if their situation might become a permanent triad relationship. Of course i am happy for all three of them…they do look great together and seem very happy.  Part of me is jealousy….Green!  The friend is new to Leather and BDSM from what he has told me, and he has the audacity to already find himself in a potentially fantastic Leather triad relationship.  Of course i do have to say he is twenty years younger than i, is tall, goodlooking, muscled, and has a great personality.   He is, you might say, the whole package!  And i do wish them much luck, love, pain/pleasure, if that is what they seek together.

i, on the other hand, have been actively searching for a Dom for at least a year and, no luck so far.

Years ago i wanted a triad relationship.  i had a friend back in my home state who was a bear and he was in relationship with two other bears.  It was a hot mix of fur, that i was horn-dogging to be in the middle of at the time…never happened though.  It does seem a great premise, a polyamory relationship.  Three or more incomes, hopefully more men to regularly have sex with, one mortgage or rent payment, and even more friends as each brings their “besties” to the poly’s realm of friendships.  All positives!

Since being on a couple Leather BDSM Facebook groups i have read about a lot of other people being in poly amorous relationships.  Wonder how adding a third person comes up in general conversation between the primary couple?  Were they always sexual explorers, adventurous and communicative about their fantasies and needs?  Did it come up because one couldn’t fulfill the high sexual demands of the other?  Did they discuss it as a way to save or keep their relationship going?

In heterosexual triads why does it always seem to be a male Dom with two submissive females?  I would like to see a Domme with two submissive boys.  That could be hot!

But there can be problems or concerns in these kinds of relationships.  Some people have trouble feeling that anyone could love them, let alone have two or more partners that love him equally.  There may be feelings of anxiety about whether they would have the time and energy for a third person.  Would adding a third person allow ample time and energy for other family members & friends, or for work or school?  There may be fear that a break-up with one person would lead to a break-up with the other.  They may worry about whether the partners would get along, or whether one of them would feel neglected or left out.  Are they all getting their physical, emotional, sexual, financial and spiritual needs met?

Other things to consider before entering into a poly relationship:

How will the triad relationship be structured?  Will the relationship with the third, or fourth person be romantic, platonic, or sexual.  Will all people involved have sex with everyone else in the relationship?  Is it a monogamous or non monogamous triad?  If non monogamous, that would add potentially a lot more sexual contacts and  relationships into the situation.  Is the relationship going to be considered a serious, long-term one, or one that is temporary in which plans for the distant future are not made by all partners.

 How, oh, how do you tell your family of origin that you:

  • are gay
  • are into Leather BDSM/Kink
  • that you and your long term partner have decided to add one or more men to your relationship?

i don’t know about you but coming out gay and then as having HIV/AIDS was way hard enough.  When my husband found out my renewed and intense interest & commitment to Leather and kink he blew a gasket.  If i were to say i want a triad relationship he would probably have a stroke, or run for his life!

Exploring Polyamory

“Having an idea about what you want your relationship to be like allows you to figure out whether it’s something you really want.  Maybe your expectations aren’t very specific.  Maybe you’re not 100% sure about what you do want, but you know for sure what you don’t want.

That’s okay. Take your time to figure it out! It’s not important that you know exactly what you want from the beginning of the relationship. But it’s important that you communicate about your expectations to your partner(s).”

Quoted from:

http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/01/polyamorous-dating-consider/

This is just what i have been thinking about this week.  What is on your mind?  What have you been thinking about?

are you in a Polyamory relationship?  If so i would like to hear from you.  Tell me about it.  Did i cover some good points, or do I miss the mark this time?

thanks for reading,

boy stray

 

 

Invisible me?

Last night i went to the really happening, hot, extremely packed Leather bar in town for a boy’s club toy drive for Christmas. Whether or not this venue is a good choice for the drive is not really the question, but how many nearly naked, beefy muscular Leathermen do you know who carry toys…well, kid appropriate toys anyway, to a Leather bar?

So, I am dressed in my new, well fitting 501 Levi’s jeans, my requisite white tee shirt (a necessity for a leatherboy), my brand new “Bar Vest” with my recently received boy’s club’s emblem/patch freshly stitched on the back, and my clean, black leather combat boots and a standard black leather belt…i had just gotten my hair cut – looked great. And not that it could be seen, but i was also wearing a new, tight, hot little jock. Man, did I really feel great…my self esteem was way up there.

There were several club members there including a new boy wanting to join. i talked with him a lot and enjoyed our interaction. You see, he is new to this whole scene, and to the club, and my full membership in the club was just affirmed by vote in November. We pondered the same questions about who was a Dom & who was a sub, and enjoyed watching the men cruising each other around our donation table area.

When it came time to snap a couple photos i was asked to take the pics… not any of the nonmembers helping us out. Red Flag. I saw a submissive boy I knew from that six week class i just took, standing not 3 feet from me talking to a man, and repeatedly looking my way but never acknowledging my presence or existence. Red Flag! Guys would come up to drop money in the donation bucket, look at the other “boys”at the table and never look at or acknowledge me, even when i said, “thank you.” Red Flag! And, as gay boys are conditioned to do, i admired lots of men quite overtly, but Never saw or felt a returned admiring glance! Red Flag!

Am i fucking invisible? Did i unknowingly put on my secret cloak of invisibility when I got dressed? i checked in with myself. Yep, i still think i look good, I’m smiling, talking to my new friend. Was it me? Was i being too judgmental, or having unreasonable expectations?

So, what the hell?

Today i spent a little time trying to learn about why people feel invisible, or why they are ignored. Everything i read online pointed to low self esteem. But that, at least this time, was not what was going on. i am totally clueless about this.

Also, i employed a couple techniques i learned in PTSD treatment.  Those things/feelings happened.  It’s done.  It’s not me! So, to that i say “Whatever!” “Who Cares”and “So What!”

i believe it was NOT about me last night.  It was about them…those men and boys who were in their own little world, dealing with their own insecurities, and their own expectations and agendas for the night.

So, what is your take on this topic?  i hope some of you men and boys write me and let me know if this has happened to you; have you had similar experiences?  Or, have you consciously ignored someone in a social setting?

Make it a good week,
boy stray

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Mentoring in the Leather BDSM Community

In a previous post i believe i talked about a mentoring relationship that ended sadly for me.  It is the inspiration for my research into mentoring  in the Leather community and for writing of this post as a hopeful mentee.  i hope you enjoy it, feel motivated by it, and work toward developing and implementing an organized mentoring program within Y/your Leather organization and/or community.

Mentor – a Dominant, or boy, who acts as a trusted counselor or guide

Mentee – the boy, or Dominant, who with a mentor works to achieve H/his Leather BDSM goals 

Mentoring in the Leather BDSM/Kink community is a powerful development tool that can enable the M/mentee to achieve or exceed H/his goals and aspirations in becoming a knowledgeable and skilled leatherboy or Dominant.  The role of a M/mentor is multi-faceted, can be either formal or informal, and may change or evolve as the needs or goals of the M/mentee evolve.

What does a mentor do?

Depending upon the M/mentee’s needs, a M/mentor:

Shares knowledge and life experiences, skills, expertise and time
Provides guidance and advice
Listens
Inspires
Offers encouragement
Shows a genuine interest in the M/mentee’s questions, concerns, apprehensions
Is open and honest at all times
Discusses goal setting & assists in developing the M/mentee’s goals                        Advises on personal development within the Leather community
Identifies resources in the Leather BDSM Community
Helps to develop skills and increase experiences
Provides insight into Leather culture
Can provide exposure and visibility within an organization & the community
Advises on networking and networking opportunities
Coaches
Supports
May introduce to important contacts
May serve as a sounding board for the M/mentee                                                                   May serve as P/protector to prevent interaction with unsafe people/situations                     Is accessible
Motivates the M/mentee toward H/his full potential in the Leather community
Assists the M/mentee in avoiding mistakes and learning from good decisions
Guides the M/mentee to self-determination of H/his right course of action
Is a positive role model
Provide constructive feedback honestly and openly
Is a Cheerleader

Edited from http://www.mentorcity.com

Qualities of a Successful mentee include:

The M/mentee establishes a personal commitment to be involved with another person for an extended time. The M/mentee has to want to be a full partner in the mentoring connection and be invested, over the long haul, to reach H/his goals.

T/they prepare and do the appropriate “homework” for meetings with T/their M/mentor.

T/they work to gain the skills, knowledge, and abilities to grow.

T/they are flexible.   Successful M/mentees recognize that relationships take time to develop and that communication is a two-way street. T/they listen to T/their M/mentor, and consider new options.

T/they take initiative, seeking the M/mentor’s advice when needed.

T/they focus on the goal, not getting lost in the process.

T/they recognize that mentoring is only ONE development tool. M/mentors can save time plus inspire, teach, and encourage the M/mentee. T/they can be excellent role models for what the M/mentee wants to do and become.

T/they realize that T/they can also learn from many other sources.  By recognizing that T/they can benefit from a variety of sources, perspectives and styles – even those quite different from T/their own – T/they open T/themselves up to new ideas, valuable information, and a wide range of viewpoints. T/they may have one or more M/mentors as part of T/their overall personal development strategy.

T/they know and are able to discuss T/their needs and objectives with the M/mentor. This means that T/they must look inside T/themselves to identify areas that may need work and share them with the M/mentor.

T/they have the ability to listen and to accept different points of view. The M/mentee needs to be able to receive feedback and look at the situation from the M/mentor’s perspective to gain a more objective viewpoint. One of the biggest values of the mentoring connection is the ability to have a more experienced person’s viewpoint. The M/mentee has to be willing to try new things, to consider different ways of getting “to there from here.”

Counterproductive Mentee behaviors: Twelve Habits of Toxic Mentee

A light-hearted look at how not to be a mentee:

Bring to the first formal meeting a long shopping list of things you want the M/mentor to do for you
Expect the M/mentor to be available for Y/you, whenever Y/you want T/them
Regard the M/mentor as Y/your prime source of gossip to pass on
Expect the M/mentor always to have the answer
Expect the M/mentor to decide when to meet and what to talk about
Boast about the relationship to your colleagues at every opportunity
Never challenge what the M/mentor says, thinking H/he knows best
Blame the M/mentor whenever advice doesn’t work out thinking H/he should have known better!
Treat mentoring sessions as mobile – the easiest item to reschedule at the last minute
Use the opportunity of the mentoring session to moan or whine about lack of progress
Make it clear to the M/mentor that Y/you want to be just like T/them – adopt T/their style of speaking, dress and posture
Never commit to doing anything as a result of the mentoring session.

Edited from http://www.pcaddick.com

Successful Goal Setting for the M/mentee

Establishing clear goals is the key to helping Y/you discover what Y/you want to achieve out of Y/your new mentoring relationship. It’s a critical step in defining Y/your work with Y/your new M/mentor and mapping out Y/your efforts moving forward.

To help Y/you get started, here are six suggestions designed to focus Y/your thinking so Y/you’re prepared for Y/your initial goal-setting conversations.

1) Clarify what Y/you want to accomplish.

Ask Y/yourself: what is the one bottleneck that’s stopping Y/you from reaching Y/your goal as it pertains to successful acclimation into the Leather community/lifestyle? The answer to this question will illuminate Y/your core problem, providing a critical piece of information that Y/you and Y/your mentor can use to build Y/your future goals around.

Y/you may start with a simple answer, like “I/i don’t know enough (or anything) about the Leather BDSM/Kink world,” but that only speaks to the broad issue and not the root cause. Push Y/your thinking a little further to arrive at a more specific answer, like “I/i want to be knowledgeable about Leather protocols and experienced in BDSM activities as a submissive.”

A focused answer like this clearly articulates Y/your objectives and makes it easier for Y/you and Y/your mentor to develop the appropriate goals—in this case, learning proper interaction with Leather Dominants and with other submissives in a Leather social situation and in a broader, general society context, and identifying those activities I/i am interested in experiencing and identifying the Dominants or submissives who can help M/me in achieving this goal.

2) Make sure Y/your goals align with reality.

Next, it’s important to assess whether or not Y/your goals are feasible given Y/your circumstances.

Ask Y/yourself the following questions:

Do Y/you have the time and resources available to meet this goal?
Are Y/you fully dedicated to achieving this goal?
Are Y/you aware of the sacrifices this goal will require and are Y/you willing to make them?

Based on these answers, think critically about whether or not Y/your goal is realistic. This is a great conversation for Y/you to have with Y/your M/mentor, as T/their Leather BDSM/Kink experience can provide thoughtful insights to help Y/you gauge the feasibility of Y/your goal.

3) Determine Y/your benchmarks for success.

Now that Y/you’ve set your goals, it’s important to define what success would look like to Y/you. Think about the specific items that would indicate success to Y/you—e.g., successful and comfortable interaction with Sirs and boys at Leather events, and when encountered in public, and having experienced Y/your top 5 BDSM activities within a predetermined period of time.

Consider what achieving these benchmarks has looked like up to now and share this information with Y/your M/mentor. Work together to set numerical targets for each goal, like attending 3 classes on BDSM within 5 months.  That is a specific, realistic and attainable goal that can be measured.

Setting these benchmarks early provides a great way to track Y/your progress, telling you exactly how you’re doing at a glance.

4) Set a realistic timeline.

Now that Y/you’ve worked with Y/your M/mentor to define Y/your goals, key metrics, and targets, it’s time to set a schedule for achieving them. Y/you may already have a deadline in mind, but Y/you should work with Y/your M/mentor to make sure Y/your timeline is realistic.

Start by asking Y/yourself the following questions:

When are Y/you prepared to start?
How much time can Y/you commit to Y/your goals each day, week, and month?
Based on these answers, work with Y/your M/mentor to assign a date to the goals Y/you’ve established—for example, attending one Enforced Dress Code at XYZ Leather bar by January 31, 2017.  Make sure Y/you set a timeline that’s long enough for the goal to be realistic, but short enough for Y/you to stay motivated.

5) Define strategies and map out the path to success.

At this point, Y/you have a target and deadline in place, so now it’s time to work with Y/your M/mentor to define the actionable steps that will help you reach the goal. This is an area where Y/your M/mentor’s advice will be invaluable, as T/they may have ideas Y/you hadn’t even considered.

Work as a team to determine your overall strategy. For example, if your goal is to experience flogging, the steps Y/you might take are:

  1. Discuss Y/your desire to flog or be flogged with Y/your M/mentor
  2. Discuss any prior experience Y/you’ve had, positive & negative
  3. Talk to other Doms and subs about T/their experiences, good and bad
  4. Take a class on flogging
  5. Learn about the different materials that floggers are made of
  6. Identify a Dom or sub in the community who will help Y/you achieve this experience
  7. Develop a rapport with that person to gain insight into how much force can be used during the flogging, whether Y/you are the Dom or the sub
  8. Flog or get flogged, or both

6) Track Y/your progress frequently.

Once Y/you’ve put Y/your plan in place, be sure to track Y/your progress using the benchmarks Y/you established with Y/your mentor. When Y/you can see how close or far way Y/you are from hitting a target, it can be extremely motivating and encouraging. This will keep Y/you on the path toward achieving Y/your goals.

Y/your first goal-setting meeting can seem daunting, but by following these best practices, Y/you’ll ensure a productive, focused meeting with Y/your new M/mentor. Spend time working through these exercises in advance, so Y/you can come to the table prepared and get the greatest benefit from Y/your M/mentor’s time. Y/your mentoring partnership will be unique, so feel free to use our suggestions as a guide for developing a goal-setting process that makes the most sense for Y/you.

Starting a Mentoring Culture in your Organization or Community

Ensure that your mentoring program aligns well with your organization’s values, mission, and goals.
Organizational leadership must support your mentoring program.
Appreciate the importance of your mentoring program and allocate the resources and time required to support it.                                                                                                      Educate interested members in the art of successful mentoring relationships and in methods of developing goals that are specific, measurable and attainable.
Ensure that your mentoring program is highly visible in your organization. Talk about mentoring and its benefits regularly to the members participants.
Create value for your mentoring program. Encourage members to participate in the mentoring program and as a result they will become champions of the program.
Support the confidentiality of the mentor/mentee relationship.

 

Let’s build a strong, supportive, educated, and experienced Leather BDSM/Kink community in South Florida and throughout the country!

As always Y/your comments, criticism and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

boy stray

Back in the Day (First Steps)

Way back when….San Francisco, 1980…I took my first steps in trying to come out as a leather, BDSM, submissive boy.  I had my tight fitting Levi 501 button fly jeans, tee shirts, black leather combat boots, and my wide black leather belt.  The buckle, which I still have, has the emblem for the old Southern Pacific Railroad.  I “dressed up” and headed out to a bar that I think was called The Balcony in the famous Castro area.  The bar had lots of Leathermen with the musky smell of sweat, cigarette smoke, and booze.  Quite a heady mixture.  The music was thumping in the background and the hot men were gyrating to the beat of the hit music of 1980.

At the time I think it was more of a draw toward the Leather, the attitude, and the hyper masculinity of the men, and not the desire for, experience with, or knowledge of BDSM/Kinky sex.  I was exceedingly shy, and therefore didn’t assert myself enough to hookup and experience the excitement of sex with a real Dominant.

Fast forward a few decades after settling into a vanilla, but quite happy and satisfying long term relationship in a fairly large Midwest city.  My BDSM/kink interest was still burning inside me.  I was drawn to the appearance of very masculine men at our local bar, and to pictures of Leathermen and Bears in magazines.  This WAS pre-Internet!  I hooked up with a hot guy once, well maybe twice…who was a Spanker.  It was an exciting and illuminating night giving me hints of the kinky bottom boy I actually was.

Now I live in South Florida and as an older gay man who survived the AIDS pandemic, I have reached that point in my life where I am NOT having a midlife crisis, but rather what I call “a late midlife reawakening.”  I want it all.  I want to keep my husband and my friends and acquaintances here.  But I also want, maybe need, to embrace my true nature, desires, and the community of Leathermen and boys here in my city in Paradise.

I’ve been sneaking, and covertly insinuating myself into the community.  I’ve been attending classes at the big local Leather and fetish emporium learning about flogging, sounds, catheters, watersports, hot wax, percussion play, and most recently how to be a better, prouder, and more knowledgeable submissive.

Next time: Clubs, Friends, Bars, and getting some actual hands-cuffed experience…