Who Moved my Cheese?

This is a delightful little, easy to read book by Ken Blanchard & Spencer Johnson about CHANGE.

The premise is change happens. Expect it. Prepare for it. Don’t be shocked, dismayed or try to fight inevitable CHANGE.

This boy’s life in the last two years has experienced immense change. Cancer…stepping slowing into the Leather BDSM community…severe colitis that very nearly killed me…ups and downs of potential hookups and letdowns…coming out as a proud Leather bottom boy and taking the moniker boy stray…having my throat cut open for a spinal fusion…having my first real BDSM full on experience…… and ultimately, my relationship problems at home.

my husband and i have been together many years, probably more out of habit, companionship, and codependency than anything else. But, what glaringly became obvious after my bout of cancer was that i was not happy. i want more out of life. i don’t mean trips, vacations, cruises, money, houses, etc.

What i am talking about is freedom. i feel like a caged animal. I can’t go places, associate with my Leather friends, go out for a drink, hookup or have sex or get a massage or go to the gym, or god forbid, go to Publix without getting the third degree interrogation.

My friends, the whole Leather BDSM community, and i are denigrated because of how W/we look, O/our affinity for Leather, and O/our kinky sexual interests & activities. He would laughingly ask when i would come home if i had gotten fisted or had been beaten and had bruises…like he thought that was the most disgusting things a person could do.

Since December i’ve been plotting my escape, my leave from this life and relationship. Two weeks ago i paid a deposit to hold an apartment. Last week i bought a new bedroom suite and sofa for the living room. Yesterday i signed a 36 page lease on the apartment. i pick up the keys today, do a walk through approval, and it is mine.

my Cheese has been Moved!

i am anxious, but excited.

i am sad i am leaving my 3 dogs.

i am angry it has taken me this long to do something.

i am happy to begin a new life of freedom.

i am scared that i could fail and run back to a familiar, but unhappy, emotionally abusive situation.

Send me Y/your positive energy and support, please.

And with that, my new life begins….

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Honesty & Lies

Living honestly, openly, and true to myself is not easy. Whilst i have had interest and dalliances into the Leather BDSM/Kink/Fetish world over my many years of adulthood, it has been a short stay each time, only to return reluctantly to my vanilla, mainstream lifestyle after each occurrence.

As you may remember from earlier posts i began coming out as a Leather boy 1 1/2 years ago by joining a club for Leather boys. I’ve attended events, demonstrations, meetings, camping events and recently a formal Leather Masked Ball.

Most of these activities have caused varying degrees of discord within the home & relationship. It started with resistance and snide comments about Leather, Leatherfolk, and kinky activities. It has evolved into a quiet tolerance with only the occasional rumpf response to my going out with Leather minded friends.

This brings me full circle to honesty. i have to admit i am not honest and i am in ways a coward. i want to wear my boots and jeans more. I want to go out more to the Leather bar, events and meetings. i want to live a Leather lifestyle however that manifests in my life. i want to be able to hookup/play or just cruise online without hiding and lying.

And i want to…need to admit to my husband that i am not happy and want to separate. But, through therapy and a sizeable amount of investigation i’ve learned he is a narcissist and i am codependent. As a “narc” he lacks empathy and has little to no clue how bad it is for me in the relationship or how much i want a new start. i deeply dread THE conversation, the anger and tears. So i procrastinate. Surpressing my feelings, wants and desires in deference to his – classic codependence.

i have looked at apartments and rooms for rent. i’ve looked into escape plans, a PO Box, a new separate checking account, i’ve developed a budget, and i’ve made a list of the few things i really want from the house when i leave.

Is this all a dream or fantasy i am building in my mind? Will i have the balls to leave?

Will i finally be honest with myself and my spouse, so we both can begin a new chapter in our lives?

i’ll let you know what happens!

Thanks for reading,

boy stray

Back to “Normal”

i wrote months ago about an awkward situation with my vanilla husband related to my association with the Leather community and a particular Leather Master.

It was a long, long period of estrangement and hurt feelings because of a misunderstanding and jumping to conclusions on his part. Very slowly and with tiny baby steps he worked his way back from near divorce to practically being back to normal  – or at least the way it was before my misdirected text message. He is still trying to understand my attraction to or seemingly sudden affinity for Leather and BDSM.  But, that is something he still has to work through. His passive aggressive comments haven’t had any effect on me, which is different for our relationship. i use to easily bend to his will.

Another almost back to normal relationship is with the Person i called my Mentor, Protector, and Guardian even though He never verbalized that He was taking on any of those roles with me.  W/we too had a misunderstanding months ago. i pleaded and begged Him not to turn His back on me.  i apologized profusely even though i think what i did was not any kind of direct offense to Him or disobeying orders. However, it did involve not telling Him that i was taking a six week class on exploring submission.  And as fate sometimes has it, He visited the instructor the first night of class and saw me waiting for it to begin. He was cold, aloof, and wouldn’t respond to texts after that night.

Anyway, i eventually gave up trying to reestablish a relationship with Him.  Then, after i attempted to start a BDSM mentoring group  – not too successfully  – i reached out to Him for help. W/we talked through text many times with me trying to describe my vision for the group and listening to His suggestions.  W/we then came to an agreement to work together to try to generate interest and build a group. Even with Sir’s guidance the group didn’t take off.  Guess there isn’t as much need for mentoring in the gay BDSM community as i thought or else i just didn’t get the word out enough.

Now when i see Sir out He always asks for a hug.  Recently i attended a class He taught on Hot Wax play.  i had taken the class before but wanted to continue to solidify the relationship between U/us, to support Him in His class, and to meet a newbie guy i had met on FetLife. 

So, if you allow enough time to pass sometimes with love or a strong desire to reestablish a relationship with a lover, spouse, or BDSM M/mentor it can be done.  But, in these to instances i believe my spouse and i had a strong love connection beforehand. With Sir there was deep respect, and an instance where He was critically needed and valued, and i showed perseverance in trying to reestablish O/our previous sense of comfortability. And eventually He responded favorably. 

Wishing Y/you peace, love, and little drama in Y/your relationships. 

Thanks for reading, 

boy stray 

The Master

A few weeks ago i was contacted by a Dominant/Master on recon.com after my initial “cruise”.  i didn’t really think too much of it since hookups for this boy are fairly nonexistent.  But we talked via the website off and on for a while, until one day He wrote that He wanted boy to get Yahoo Messenger, which i did immediately.

On December 4th we began a near daily communication via yahoo.com.  He is considering my loyalty, honesty and mettle to be a slave to Him.

The Master is out of town for a while, but He gives this boy orders and directives – all of which have been done fairly easily so far.

boy stray is really excited to be considered as a slave, and the current distance between The Master and boy affords He and i the opportunity to talk and get to know each other more before actually meeting in person.  it also prevents the rapid jump to dungeon play without knowing each other well.

The Master, who is about my age, is very handsome and well built from what i see in the pictures He has sent.  boy is currently in verbally ordered chastity, is to keep pubic area shaved which is standard for most slaves and boy is to check in with The Master every day without exception.

i do worry about being able to sustain an Internet only communication for 6 more weeks. And i worry about whether The Master will approve of boy when W/we finally meet.

i hope i don’t fuck this up!